to do nothing about a child claiming to be beaten?

[tatt]

She has a lively imagination because she had told me quite involved stories before, without a grain of truth in them. She's stayed overnight and I've taken her swimming and there have never been more bruises than you'd expect on a very active child with no sense of danger (like small bruises around the knees). Father works away a lot and mother has other (older) children and works so is stressed.

I know its terrible if kids are abused, tell an adult and no-one believes them but I don't want to destroy a family for a child who I believe is making it up. I've never seen the mother hit any of the children and I know the usual punishment is to send them to their room. The father is good with the children. So I really don't believe anything much is going on, perhaps exaggerating a slap. But then you see the ads saying listen to the child......?

If it was my child inventing stories I'd be gutted if anyone believed them enough to report it.

YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER TALK DIRECTLY TO A CHILD ABOUT ABUSE - EVER

Please ignore any advice to approach the child again

There are trained professionals who can talk to her .. but if a well-meaning adult talks to children about suspected abuse in order to clarify things then lots of harm can be done to the child ..

there are methods of talking to abused children .. and it is far too easy to say the wrong thing and cause tremendous problems whether or not this child is being abused

Please .. if you want to take it further speak to her headmaster or to someone who has access to the right people

you must never EVER question a child .. even if it's your own child

That is so brave of you to write that down holly

It is so hard to know when to believe children. When i was about 5 I told the teacher my mum had hit me so hard my tooth came out. It was true, but i didnt add that we were in a lift and my mum turned to press the button and her elbow caught my wobbly tooth and gave it the final shove to come out. My mum was approached by the teache about it and was so mortified poor thing.
Am not making light but as we all know for every child that says that and is ignored some really are trying to get help.

As most have said - ring the advice lines, these are trained to help.

echo Twig
don't talk to this child. I was abused and someone questioning me would have been hideous. The way your mind works as a child when this is happening is very difficult to explain but tis really complex.
Phone NSPCC. there was a little girl being maltreated in the flat above me several years ago and they gave me really good advice

Either way this child needs help. As a liar force whatever reason or a child who is being covertly abused.
my best friend from childhood revealed recently how her dad used to lock them in cupboards, beat them with leather strap. Forcefeed them. Wiped my friends face on her urine as she bedwetted due to kidney issues.
I stayed over loads. We were very close friends. My mum clened for friends mum who was a church leader. Dad very highly ranking international banking man.

Never had a bloody clue.
I on the other hand was a pathological liar.
I needed help and got it.
she never told anyone until age 30 and she is very screwed up headwise.

Tis not for you to choose to believe, you simply relay the facts to relevant person. Teacher doctor nspcc whatever.

maybe you should still talk o someone anyway, as imagine further down the line she actualy was and you would feel awful for not believing her. if its not true the parents will pprob not be happy but if the are the child could have sever damages

Please go to someone able to help - just read this awful terrible story on the news if only someone had said something www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article4124189.ece

if you waited a fortnight would she forget and begin another story? If it's real she is clearly not being badly injured since it doesn't show so the urgency is less and you could wait a bit.
If she says it again in a few weeks surely there is a greater chance that it is true.

There should be no downside to reporting suspicions, but sadly that's not the case

Please take this further. It is not your responsibility to decide if she is or is not telling the truth, but somebody who can make these judgements needs to know. Tell her teacher who will have a procedure in place. You need to pass this on. Please do not quiz the child. Whatever the media leads us to believe, SS are not in the habit of taking children out of families when nothing is going on. It happens, but very very rarely. It is far better that a thousand lies are reported than one child tells an adult who ignores their plea for help.

Cupsoftea - that story has had me in tears today. If anyone suspects a child of being mistreated you simply MUST speak with the authorities - as the Times article states, if only one in a thousand calls leads to a childs life being saved, it's worth it.

Hayley2u - I forget which thread you mentioned it on but you had said that one of your friends would hit their 8 month old when drunk. Did you report her yet? It really upsets me to think of this defenceless, innocent baby being beaten.

I have seldom seen a post where I agree with so much conflicting advice at the same time iyswim

On the one hand, there are horrendous examples of children being abused and nobody reacting. We all know that this happens. This may be a genuine, desperate cry for help, in which case this child needs you.

On the other hand, children also tell lies. I knew someone whose sister made up stories about being mugged by older children on the way to school. The Mum got into trouble with the school for pointing out that it couldn't physically have happened and that the child often told lies- it made her look like a dodgy parent, because the school stuck very firmly to the line that the child should always be believed.

Dh had his Mum storm in to his primary school to complain that the children were being taught wrestling- (she still feels embarrassed about it over 40 years later). He just wanted his school day to sound a bit more interesting.

Dd used to bite her arm and then say little brother had done it (you can tell by the angle of the teeth marks).

My nephew was taken to clinic after complaining of unbearable earache; when the doctor failed to find anything, he admitted quite cheerfully that "I was only joking". He was a happy healthy child, just too immature to realise that there was anything wrong with this type of joke.

So both possibilities must be born in mind, both scenarios can and do happen.

On the one hand, the advice not to question this child yourself is wise- you could end up putting ideas into her mind.

On the other hand, trusting that all social workers etc will have the experience to accept that a child may lie also seems a little blue-eyed- as we all know, there have been cases where professionals have believed almost anything. Remember the Cleveland case?

I would do what an earlier poster suggested and ring an advice line anonymously. Explain how it is, that you have not actually seen any abnormal bruises, that you are aware that it may be a lie, but that you are worried by the possibility of it being true and ask where they think you should take it from there.

yes hayley2u, I would really like to know what has happened with that as well. Please please update us.

Hayley2u - as you can tell, I feel very strongly about this. If you don't want to report her yourself, send me her details and I'll do it. The very idea of that baby at somepoint staring forlornly out of a window as that 3 year old girl did in the story today willing someone to help her and to care for her (just to hug her fgs!! - dammit am crying again) simply breaks my heart.

Agree with Cory, she's said it all.

Oh and Hayley yes there's no dilemma about an 8 month old being hit.

Hi theressomehingaboutmarie, try to hang in there and not let it upset you too much because ultimately it is out of your control what happens to that baby and after a certain point if we do not hear, there won't be too much else you can do. I hope we get a response from hayley2u but I can imagine she may not want to post on here about it any more, even if she does take some action about it.

I know how it feels to let these stories worm into your heart and it is particularly bad when you have a small baby yourself (as I think you and I both do, from your other posts on that thread about the 8month old). I had a thread recently about how much various news stories about little ones being hurt were dominating my thoughts, and it was tough to shake off.

just don't want you to drive yourself mad worrying [hugs]

sorry to hijack

You should tell someone.
At the school maybe.
It will be assessed by people who are trained in this area.
Sometimes children lie dramatically because they are unhappy for another reason.

A chat with a child psychologist can often get to the bottom of things.

If you have no other grounds than the child's word with no physical evidence you may feel it is OTT to go to social services, in which case I'd be inclined to talk to the school.

DO NOT QUESTION THE CHILD and do not suggest to them they may be removed from their family as a result of telling you.

It is a REALLY BAD IDEA. If the child is being mistreated they will still love their parents - that is what a child's unconditional love is like.

Tell someone.

Better to speak out and be wrong than stay silent and she is telling the truth.

A child has died because no one listened and that is hard to forget.

Sure he is a good dad in public. Means nothing. I was beaten and abused by a couple who were pillars of the community.

I agree you shouldn't talk to the child again. This needs reporting.

Ok DH has just come in and said to ring social services hotline and tell them what the child has said to you.
If person on the switchboard asks you to speak to the child again, say no,that she needs to speak to a social worker, if you don't get put through, say you are going to inform then police instead.

A social worker will be sent to talk to the child. This will as a rule be done at the school. DO not worry if you think this is OTT- you are not doing anything wrong. If it has concerned you enough to post here, you should act.
Sorry, DH sadly has to do this regularly in his job

Have you thought of having her to stay for a decent period of time? It may be that she is unstable at this particular period in her life but she seems to trust you if she has confided in you. Would you sister agree to a prolonged stay?

i never thought of it like that as she said she slaps her hand when she reaches out to touch things, she says the baby learns. she does not do it wen she drunk she told me when she was drunk.
but my ex sister, now this really does worry me and only have not sad anything as it s my x dps relative.
she often in public sr=creams at her childern smaks them and calls them "you litle, dickhead,prick, twat,bastard. even my friend who hits baby was shocked to see her wacking the children everywhere. the kids are nughty but they dont deserve that do they.

You need to pass this on to someone you can call nspcc, tell the school, or social services.

When talking to social services please give your name but ask them not to disclose it to anyone.

Please do not question this child further. I was abused as a child and was never able to tell anyone (it came out later on as my step sister spoke up), but if I had told someone and they had questioned me or explained the consequences I would have been horrified. I was told all kinds of lies and my head was a mess.

As has already been said, even children of pillars of the community can be abused.

While the conversation with the child is fresh in your mind write it down as the child said it as this will help.

thanks. I think what I'm going to do is follow the advice to wait a short time then speak to the child again. If it's fiction hopefully she will have forgotten it and if she says anything similar I'll speak to the NSPCC, the school, both or perhaps to the father as it was her mother she accused.

It came up because the children were being a pain, I said it would be early bed if it carried on and something about her mother sending her to her room. If she'd ever had unusual bruising or showed other signs like slow movement that might suggest pain or any sign of neglect or if she was normally a truthful child I wouldn't hesitate but I fear social services might disrupt the family for no good reason.