AIBU to think it's weirdly hard to make friends as an adult?

[Neurodiversemom]

I honestly don’t remember it being this difficult when I was younger, but now it feels almost impossible.
Everyone seems to already have their “people” – school friends, uni friends, long-standing work mates – and there’s no space for anyone new. You can chat at school gates / work / park, get on perfectly well… and then nothing. It never turns into an actual friendship.
I don’t think I’m unfriendly or odd. I make the effort, suggest coffee, keep in touch. But everyone seems permanently busy, exhausted, or just not that interested in adding anyone new to their life.
AIBU to think this is an adult-life thing rather than a me thing? Or is everyone else quietly lonely too and just pretending they’re not?

I too feel quietly lonely and a bit paranoid that no one likes me.

I have a couple of good friends, but even then a couple of them are quite selfish and only do what they want to do. I do tend to think that everyone has loads of mates except me 😢

That said, I have a lovely DH who is literally my best friend, lovely DC who we go out with quite a lot, our parents to socialise with and I have really nice friends I have a good laugh with at work - so perhaps I’m overthinking it.

What I don’t have is the regular girls night out, lunch with a friend etc. thing going on in the week.

Is this normal?

I’m 40 and finding it hard to meet anyone new now. Partly this is because my children are young teeens and have a super time consuming hobby that doesn’t leave much room for my own plus I changed jobs a year ago and haven’t made anything beyond acquaintances there.
I am lucky I have some nice friends from previous times but busyness means we don’t see each other too often and I do feel a bit lonely at times.

Friendship takes time. I'm 47 and have a large circle of friends but it comes from years of investment of organising things snd keeping in touch. WhatsApp groups really help

The other thing with this is how do you define friend?

For example person A might refer to Susan their friend from book club and person B might refer to Susan who they see most weeks at book club but probably wouldn't see again if they left book club. They could be describing exactly the same relationship.

I’ve been doing my weekly hobby with the same group of 5 people for 8 years @Neurodiversemom and I’d say we are only just crossing over into ‘friends’ territory now - it takes ages IMO. My only other friend I’ve made since I turned 30 that has stuck is the mum of one of DD’s close friends. Fortunately I do have friends from school who I am still close to but we are scattered so don’t see each other that often

My gut reaction to your title was YABU until I read your post and thought about it.

I'm one of those people. I make friendly acquaintances and have always had work friends that I do stuff with during work hours. We message outside work but don't actually do things outside work. I have mums I talk to at the school gates if I see them, but wouldn't organise anything more.

From my persepctive, I work FT in a busy role with a commute. I have long estalished friends, family time, ferrying DD to various activities and events, housework etc. to factor in - I just don't have time for anything more than that. It's absolutely nothing personal - I really like some of the people I have those acquaintance/friendships with and enjoy spending that time with them, I just don't have time for more.

I notice some of the other mums have made firmer friendships, but they tend to not work or work PT. Some of the women at work are also good friends outside work, but they don't have children. Quite a few of my established friends are friends I made at work pre-children.

It’s a good point. I think that’s my difference between acquaintances and friends. I have people who I know quite well but only in a specific setting, and I’d call them acquaintances.

But that’s your decision about being maxed out on time. Plenty of people have established friends, jobs, children, busy households, hobbies and other commitments, but are still open to new friends, though.

It's not like I can create more hours in a day...

If you want a meaningful friendship you need the capacity to invest in it.

Ah OP, it's hard going isn't it. I struggled for years, finding exactly the same experiences and wondering if it was a reflection on me. I was lucky enough to meet a really close friend at work a few years ago now, we trained for something together which I think cemented the friendship. I also started going to a hobby class but it was maybe two years before I met anyone there who wanted to transition to an outside friendship too. I share those stories just to say persevere. If you take up a hobby and otherwise enjoy it, don't automatically dismiss it if it doesn't lead to new friends straight away.

I have also lowered my expectations in that a couple of my friends I enjoy doing activities with, and their company generally, but we aren't super close emotionally. I guess that is easier to be ok with in light of having a bestie though.

It's not as easy but it is possible. I have lots of friends I've made as an adult. Most through work but one through an evening class and recently one that looks like it could develop through attending the same gym classes. We live close to each other and close to the gym so we walk home together and found we have a lot in common. I found it harder at the school gate - more friendly acquaintances than true friends, especially as the kids get older and you don't see them as often or the kids stop being friends with each other, but there are a few my DH and I still socialise with occasionally - I wouldn't describe them as my friends exactly but my DH is closer to a couple of them.

I'm not particularly outgoing and not good at making the first move but I aim to be friendly and see where that goes. I've never felt life has no room for more friends though these days I only see mine every few months usually as most don't live that close by.

It’s one reason along with cost of being single that I think many people often rush into relationships far too soon rather than taking their time, a lack of new adult connections generally that are more than just work -

I agree. A romantic relationship can be a very quick fix for a lonely person.

One of my old uni friends went through a prolonged period of being very isolated apart from distance friends visits. They got into a relationship and very quickly there was someone to eat out with or come over to watch a film and stay over. I think it would take years at best to get to that point by trying to make new friends.

I have a group of friends I met when my children were you g, and we meet up at a craft group now we are all retired.
As for new friends, I joined a yoga class at the local leisure centre, a d over the last couple of years I have been lucky enough to make a new group of friends. We do classes, have coffee afterwards and have regular social events. I am very lucky to have made new friends in my 70s.
A shared hobby/interest seems to be the best way to make friends.

What does the crossover point look like for you? It seems to be different for everyone.

Some on here go to groups and refer to the people they have fun with there as friends. So they would say they have “loads of friends and make them easily.”

Then others say they chat to people and have a laugh but don’t yet classify them as friends and don’t know what they’re doing wrong.

Some say “you need to put the effort in!”

Some say they’ve put in loads of effort and their work friend has backed off, to be told that they’re being suffocating and need to back off too, it’s just a colleague.

I find it all very confusing!

I agree but I would say as an older adult. At uni it was easy.

Strangely enough I have found it much easier to make friends as an adult. I was a painfully shy and self conscious child and teenager and wouldn't approach anyone. Now I don't worry about what people think and am happy to talk to anyone and I have a lot more friends as a result.

Good question and I think it is different for different people but for me it is the point where I would contact them/they would contact me for a chat/social arrangements outside of the weekly group. To me friends are people you have a deeper level of connection with, otherwise they are just acquaintances

I really relate to this. When work or routine changes, friendships can drift even if the care is still there. It’s so hard when you’re already having a tough year and your world feels like it’s getting smaller. You’re not alone in feeling this way.

It’s is really hard but I encourage everyone to keep on trying. I had a lot of nice acquaintances for a long time and it has taken years to turn them into friends. The key is to be willing to make yourself vulnerable. After 8 years in an area I have finally achieved some decent friendships. You have to be the one willing to invite others and organise get togethers. If not successful at first you have to be ok with trying again.

I’m 48. My DD is an adult and I have two close friends who are the mums of her friends. I have one old workmate I keep in touch with very regularly, one I keep in touch with sporadically and a very close friend from when I was a teenager. Other than that, it’s Facebook and WhatsApp friendship really.

I mean, I have ‘friends’ at work but if I left we wouldn’t see each other anymore they’d just join the Facebook list.