AIBU to think it's weirdly hard to make friends as an adult?

[Neurodiversemom]

I honestly don’t remember it being this difficult when I was younger, but now it feels almost impossible.
Everyone seems to already have their “people” – school friends, uni friends, long-standing work mates – and there’s no space for anyone new. You can chat at school gates / work / park, get on perfectly well… and then nothing. It never turns into an actual friendship.
I don’t think I’m unfriendly or odd. I make the effort, suggest coffee, keep in touch. But everyone seems permanently busy, exhausted, or just not that interested in adding anyone new to their life.
AIBU to think this is an adult-life thing rather than a me thing? Or is everyone else quietly lonely too and just pretending they’re not?

Totally agree OP. I seem to have lots of close acquaintances but find turning them in to friends to be virtually impossible. I think I’ve made one close(ish) friend since turning 30.

It's totally normal to feel this way as an adult. Making friends gets harder once life gets busier. People often already have their close circles, and it’s tough to break into them. You're not unfriendly many others feel the same but are too busy or don’t make the effort either. It's more about timing and finding the right people. Keep being open, and the right friendships will come in time.

I’m completely in the same boat and it’s hard to keep the friends you have got. I feel like I have no friends anymore. My best friend we used to work together and I was made redundant at the beginning of 2025 and now I feel like we’ve drifted apart. I’m not working as I’ve had a year of rubbish really and my mental health isn’t the best right now and now I feel we have nothing in common . She’s took on more and more hours at work and we used to talk for hours and hours most days , meet up and go for coffee or go shopping and now she doesn’t have time for any of it . I miss having someone to bounce off. I feel like everyone’s really flaky and no one has time for anyone anymore to be able to sustain close friendships and it’s really sad.
im also single and I feel like my world gets smaller every day not having people in my life.

I was suddenly adopted by someone last year which is really nice. I've been living in the village for 18 years. Had 2 mother groups, active in guides/scouts. 18 years.

Find a social hobby to go to and hang out with people there. Something like salsa dancing - you get a weekly class and then there will more than likely be other social events you can also get involved with. Or volunteer somewhere maybe.

You’re unlikely to make a new best friend as an adult but that doesn’t mean you have to be lonely it just means you’ve got to deliberately go to places where people are being social and join in there. Friendships will form more naturally with shared interests than they will trying to make friends with people where the only thing you’ve got in common is that you’ve got kids, or you work in the same place.

I don't know, I had my daughter at 32 and this has opened up a whole new group of friends with children of a similar age.

I also joined a running group at 29 and have been on holiday with running friends I've made!

I do pottery with a friend from work, we're also going to a music concert together in 2026.

It’s easy when you have have smaller children I found. But after that it’s tricky. I’ve just moved to an area where I know no one at all. I’ve joined a social group for women new to the area and been on a few walks and coffees and such which has been fine and nice-but it’s hard to translate that into actual friendship. I will keep showing up and hope for the best. Meanwhile all my old close friends are drifting as they are far away and we don’t have geography in common anymore, which makes me sad.

After going through several phases and trying different things I think that you either come across the right people who are also open to friendship with you or you don't. I don't think it's possible to force an equivalent relationship with people that aren't open or who aren't compatible.

The tricky thing is knowing how long to keep trying.

I've always found making friends really hard! I had no friends in primary school, and very few in secondary. Uni was pretty lonely, I did make some superficial friendships which got me through but none lasted past graduation.

I also really struggle with the conversion of acquaintance to friend.

I've joined all sorts of things over the years. Last year I joined a running club - I go along, I run, I chat to people at my pace, I go home. How on earth do i make them become my friends 😂

I dont know anything about running - do you always run in the same place? Could you organise a run somewhere new with a coffee after? Is that a thing people do?

Yes agreed. I remember always feeling this way at uni as well to be honest. I wasn’t a classic student living in Halls, I had kids young so had responsibilities and couldn’t just drop everything for a society or party which didn’t help. That said, I tried hard to strike up conversations and I’d have some really nice ones sometimes but it never went any further and the nature of it meant I’d often never see them again.

I don’t know what to say, other than this is completely normal. My mum seems to make friends all of the time, I don’t know what she does so differently.

Hi op I think you just have to keep trying and suggest meeting up outside wherever you are. Others may want to meet up too but it’s hard to ask when you are older.

Dont have any advice but feel the same way re it feels impossible to make friends.

In the town i grew up in, everyone had moved there from miles away, as young families. No one had grown up there so my mum wasn't competing with old school friends. Mums took at least a decade off work with kids and so people were around, my mum made a big group of friends with all the neighbours. My mum wasn't regularly in touch with school friends beyond a christmas card here and there or an odd letter/phone call, they were spread far and wide.

I do find now a lot of people seem cling onto their school & uni friends longer now. I didn't have that many friends at my school & left the area and its taken me a long time to build friendships where i live. Like 10 years.

You have to be flexible, and lower expectations. A friend is in the here and now, people change and move on, thats fine.

I don’t agree. I’ve moved around a lot as an adult, and I’ve had to be very proactive in making friends — it’s a muscle that gets stronger with use. My most recent move was international, and only two months before the first Covid lockdown, and I was 49.

However, that said, I think you can be unlucky in your environment. One place I lived for eight years, and nothing worked. It was an insular environment where everyone had known one another since primary, and it wasn’t even that they were actively unfriendly, it just didn’t occur to anyone that he new person might be worth befriending. Because friends were people you’d known forever, not something you made. I made friends at work in the nearest city, but it was pretty lonely. If I’d only ever lived in that place, I’d have concluded I was bad at friendships.

I also really struggle with the conversion of acquaintance to friend.
I've joined all sorts of things over the years. Last year I joined a running club - I go along, I run, I chat to people at my pace, I go home. How on earth do i make them become my friends 😂

Its totally normal. Friendship takes years of interaction and shared experiences. At an hour or so a twice weekly running club that will take a lot longer than school where you were with the same people 30 hours a week. You have to suggest extra things - a group outing, christmas drinks. I actually think sports is bad for this because people need to shower & change etc. What about a book group? Or think about what you enjoy doing and do it in a more social way. Love singing, join a choir. Love art, take a painting class. Volunteer.

I have made new friends but some are in different stages of life to me and honestly catching up in any reasonable way is hard! Especially as family responsibilities take up a lot of my time. Miss the 20s days of just spending hours in people’s company cementing friendships!

One place I lived for eight years, and nothing worked. It was an insular environment where everyone had known one another since primary, and it wasn’t even that they were actively unfriendly, it just didn’t occur to anyone that he new person might be worth befriending. Because friends were people you’d known forever, not something you made.

A lot of places and people are like this, believe it or not

It is hard! I made a new friend last year, my reflection is that it’s really not easy and also it takes a lot of time and input (which comes back to your point about everyone being busy and tired). We made friends because we had to spend a lot of time together (won’t go into the details), that created the opportunity to get to know each other on that deeper level real friendship needs, but if we didn’t also have lots in common that wouldn’t have happened.

I joined a club for a new activity last year and something I realised was that it’s really easy to miss/dismiss cues that are other people’s attempts to make friends with you - so I’m looking out for it now!

Yes, I found the same thing. I made acquaintances on the school run, lots of people to say hi and chat briefly too. Never made any actual friends. Went for a few coffees with other mums but nothing since the kids grew up. People already have their friends and family, they not bothered about picking up extra friends. Perhaps I’m too boring, I don’t know! Now I’m not looking for friendship at all.

I make friends with people I work with and some people I have networked with.

My issue is I am terrible at maintaining friendships.

All my friends that I see regularly have been made as an adult. I'm still making them now.

Yes I get this. I made friends in my last 2 jobs. I had friends of 2 and 8 years. We would go out and do stuff together. Since I left both jobs, I never heard from them again! I’d send messages and invite them over, only to receive a polite message that they’re busy. I think a lot of the time it’s people using each other in situations, so people use colleagues to make work/uni/school feel better. Then they move onto new colleagues. They don’t want the outside stuff happening as they’re saving that for close friends and family.

I’m 52 & most of the friends I’ve made over the past 15 years or so have been through feminist campaign groups - getting chatting to someone, finding shared interests, suggesting doing something else together.

Also through MN - I’m off out tomorrow with a couple of women I met years ago through the FWR board

What are you passionate about? Start from there.

I’ve also met a potential new friend at my gym.

Well, I haven’t found it so, and in adulthood, I’ve lived in nine different places across five countries. Yes, the insular place was a village, but I grew up in one that had lots of fully-integrated foreign blow-ins, and I’ve lived happily in others as a foreigner.