To think that if dh doesn’t want to go, I should go without him?

[whytonight]

Not sure I worded the title brilliantly but hopefully I explain it well.

I was not taken on holiday as a child and never had the time or funds before to go travelling or on holiday. Dh has been to so many places, some of which I want to go to but when discussing holidays or trips, he vetos them as he’s been there and done that. It’s slightly complicated that I’m currently a SAHM although that won’t be forever. But ultimately, we’re married so his income is our income. Let’s say for argument sake that when I get a job again, Aibu to go to the places I want to go to with or without him? I’d be happy to take Dc on my own but I do feel very selfish for considering it as it’s not necessarily something we will ALL benefit from. I feel like some of the things I want to do are important for me religiously (I want to see the Vatican etc) and also things I think are important to see ie Auschwitz. DH has done both of those things and doesn’t want to do them again. There’s honestly 15-20 countries I could name off the top of my head that he never wants to go to again as he’s done it but some of them are places I want to go to. AIBU to go at some point even if he doesn’t? Should I wait until I have my own income? I wouldn’t be taking small children to Auschwitz, that was just an example of somewhere I feel is important for me to go to.

FWIW, DH hasn’t done trips without me and the Dc since we’ve been married, but did (when we were in a relationship) with his family. But we’ve also only had two holidays in that time, one was a weekend that I had 0 say in as it was a surprise and the other was one I organised.

Absolutely go for it! You dont have to do everything together just because you are married!

Does that mean your kids have never been on any any holidays either?

Ideally, you need to have a discussion about a holiday budget for the year, I would say that's the most normal way for people to plan holidays, work out how much is a sensible budget and then decide what kind of holiday/holidays you want to go on with the budget, obviously the cheaper the holidays the more you can have.

I can understand certain things he may not want to do again, but it's selfish to not want to share those places with you and the kids IMO, if he really doesn't want to go to on holiday at all then go on your own or with the kids, or find a like minded friend/relative who will go with you instead!

of course you should be able to go to places without him but sounds like you need some trips together as a family first

Lots of people take huge pleasure in taking their loved ones to places they've enjoyed themselves. I find his attitude rigid and revealing.

Yes, of course you can go! I've been on lots of trips with my cousin because DH doesn't want to go away.

But it seems a shame that he won't compromise. You could go to a country he's been to before but go to a different place. But with somewhere like Rome, there's so much to see, it's unlikely he's seen it all. If you went together, you could go into the Vatican without him while he did something else.

Where does he want to go?

I can kind of see his point. There are hundreds of places to see in this world. Surely you can find places that you both want to go to?

I do get the Vatican/Auschwitz examples though. I think it would be a bit much to spend his cash on your holiday without him but once you're earning again, I'd absolutely be finding time to go for a weekend break or whatever without him.

Agree with pp. have your children never had a family holiday abroad? Surely for a man who's well travelled, he would want the same for his family? Very unreasonable on his part

Start going places together first.

Make a list of places you want to visit. There must be some places you are both interested in.

Once you are earning again, start taking trips with just yourself and DC, or even short trips on your own or with a friend. Much easier to do when contributing to household income.

I did several trips with my DC when they were early-mid Primary school years. DH wasn’t interested in where we went so stayed at home. We had a ball and have lovely memories of those trips.

You may need to wait a few years to visit Auschwitz, until your DV at old enough to appreciate it. If you travel with small children the trip needs to revolve around their interests unless they are particularly placid and patient.

It's absolutely not "his cash" unless he wants to work out what he owes the OP for her domestic duties and pay her what he'd be paying a childminder and cleaner.
Is he even coming up with suggestions of other places he would like to go?

It’s not ‘his cash’ if she’s the full time carer to their joint kids.

Does he want to travel at all? If not that’s a whole other discussion.

I’d sit down together and plan places you’d both like then come up with a list of places you’d like and compromise that he either sucks it up and comes with you, I agree with pp I don’t get his Rome attitude there’s plenty to see and you could split off for a day when you get there, or you go alone.

Once you are earning again definitely book and go if you want to! You don’t have to do everything together, my husband loves to ski, I went with him the first time and realised it was not for me so now he goes with friends, I’ve had holidays with my friends, I took our daughter away with just me last year and taking both kids away in May, no issues or drama

Unless your DHs income is huge, I don’t think you should do this until you have your own money. Talking the dc away on holiday without your DH is fine if he doesn’t want to go, but it doesn’t seem right to
do Something so self indulgent and expensive when you aren’t earning and family holidays should be the priority.

She is "earning". Her contribution would cost him £££ if he was outsourcing it and it's what allows him to go out and earn.

I don't think there is anything wrong with separate trips as long as there is also funds and opportunity for a family trip that year, that takes priority.

So one family holiday that both of you input and choose

Then if you want a solo trip (or he does) then allocate a pot of money that you can each use

I can see why he doesn't want to return to certain places...part of the excitement for me is going to new places on holiday

If you’re a SAHM then his income is your money as much as his!

If you can afford it I’d start by booking some long weekends with the DC and go from there, then they can see a bit of the world and you can enjoy exploring with them. There are often cheap Eurostar deals to Paris, you could start there?

Do you currently go on holiday within the UK at least, or do you never go on holiday at all? If you don’t go anywhere then time to book some weekends in Cornwall / Edinburgh / London / York / Lake District / wherever you fancy!

I too was never taken on holiday as a child. First time on a plane was when I was 20. Until then, nothing.

I absolutely take holidays without my partner, and same for him - and then we take one together every year - two if we get a good deal. I went to the US with just my son a couple of years ago, and my partner has been to Europe just with a friend as they wanted to watch the football. However in 2025 we had one beach holiday and one city break together.

It's all about balance, and I suppose it also helps that we don't (couldn't) have children.

His cash?
Is he paying her for the childcare? No...
It's both their money.

It would cost her if she was outsourcing it too.

I would revisit places for the sake of my partner, he sounds v stubborn. The sahm part is irrelevant

Yes, go! His experiences shouldn't veto your desired experiences.

Of course you should go!

Once you are back working, if your kids are in school you will likely need to split much of your holidays anyway, to cover.

So you could be travelling with your Dc to the places you would love to see.

Meanwhile, a city break. If ££ is tight say that you would like a contribution as your birthday present.

I think maybe getting ahead of yourself. When you’re in the position to do it, sure go, take tje kids, it’s 2026 not 1956 we don’t need a man ro escort us.

I think it’s a shame that one person vetos on a ‘been there, done that’ basis particularly world-famous destinations.

edited to add: for a family holiday, I mean

Well if a man decided they would do whatever they want whenever they want they would be called selfish, I have places i have been i would prefer not to go again till I have done other places, but we compromise