To think that if dh doesn’t want to go, I should go without him?

[whytonight]

Not sure I worded the title brilliantly but hopefully I explain it well.

I was not taken on holiday as a child and never had the time or funds before to go travelling or on holiday. Dh has been to so many places, some of which I want to go to but when discussing holidays or trips, he vetos them as he’s been there and done that. It’s slightly complicated that I’m currently a SAHM although that won’t be forever. But ultimately, we’re married so his income is our income. Let’s say for argument sake that when I get a job again, Aibu to go to the places I want to go to with or without him? I’d be happy to take Dc on my own but I do feel very selfish for considering it as it’s not necessarily something we will ALL benefit from. I feel like some of the things I want to do are important for me religiously (I want to see the Vatican etc) and also things I think are important to see ie Auschwitz. DH has done both of those things and doesn’t want to do them again. There’s honestly 15-20 countries I could name off the top of my head that he never wants to go to again as he’s done it but some of them are places I want to go to. AIBU to go at some point even if he doesn’t? Should I wait until I have my own income? I wouldn’t be taking small children to Auschwitz, that was just an example of somewhere I feel is important for me to go to.

FWIW, DH hasn’t done trips without me and the Dc since we’ve been married, but did (when we were in a relationship) with his family. But we’ve also only had two holidays in that time, one was a weekend that I had 0 say in as it was a surprise and the other was one I organised.

Go for it. Just because your dh has been somewhere is no reason for you or dc to miss out.

Just do it. It's a free country, you can do what you want. I know there's the issue of money, but you have earned at least the equivalent of whatever you'd have to pay in nursery fees.

I've gone on holiday without DH loads of times - sometimes with a different relative, sometimes me and the kids, and I've done a group hiking holiday, which I signed up to it on my own, but did the hike with a group of people I didn't know.

My DH is less into holidays than me, and finds long-hauls very anxiety-inducing, whereas I'm more adventurous. He also doesn't like hiking. He's just more of a stay at home type. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer him to come with me because I enjoy his company, and he'd come if I begged him, but I want him to be happy, and I know he spends most holidays just feeling anxious and wanting to get back home (although he tries to hide it for my sake)

Does he not want to return because he has a list of new places he really wants to see? Or just is being a bit disinterested in any holiday at all?
I’d return to places to share them with a partner, were I to have or even want one!
The only place I would never return to though is Auschwitz- I witnessed it, as the guide said, and wouldn’t want to sort of tourist it (though I know I sort of did in the first place). However, I’d definitely return to Krakow and some other places we went to there, but try to ensure I saw bits I missed. If the other person wanted to visit Auschwitz then they obviously could, no issue, just I’d do something else that day.
But this is all personal- you need to assess and discuss what is your joint budget (whoever input on wages it is equal outtake) and compromise on a family holiday but if you have places he simply won’t go then ensure you have those as well - with friends, daughter or solo - and husband gets equivalent time to do his preferences. It would be selfish of him to take away your plans/hopes of nearly anything, and definitely affordable travel.
Don’t just abandon these travel ideas - you get one life that runs away with itself.

By any chance, did he never organise any of those trips he went on himself and probably wouldnt have gone if it wasnt for it being family and someone else paying for it? My hunch based on other men i know (im sure there are women who are the same but in my experience its been men) is that they cant be bothered to organise anything, cant be bothered to wrangle kids on holiday as they know they cant escape to 'work' or 'house jobs' dont see the point in actively making time for travel as they cant be bothered and wont see how it benefits the other person/their kids and the relationships.
My friends ex husband constantly said he didnt want to go places he'd been, and then blocked alternative suggestions subtley throughout the duration of the relationship, so she ended up taking the kids away herself on cheap uk breaks (back when this was cheap) as he would moan about money if she tried to book her and the kids to go away, even though they could afford it. A couple of years ago after they divorced, pne of the kids said it was a pity they didnt all go away together, as he had led the kids to believe it was down to money, and he laughingly told his adult kids that it was because 'who wants to go on holiday with your kids, cant enjoy yourself properly can you' and thought he'd been really clever!!

Yes, and?

Once you're working, and assume it's within your overall family budget, of course it's fine for to go away without him. But it shouldn't be at the expense of a family holiday somewhere you all want to go - that should be a priority. And of course DH is then entitled to a separate trip if he wants. Whilst you're not working - absolutely not.

This puts my feelings very succinctly. I took my dh and dc to Greece this summer (spent lots of summers there as a child) dh only went to Cornwall growing up and I wanted to share my love of Greece because I knew he’d love it to.

In your position I would just wait until I was earning again, then go to the Vatican/Auschwitz on my own, and/or with the DCs when they are of an age to appreciate it.

Your DH is weird though in his fixation with not going anywhere more than once, it does sound a bit of a drag, but I know at least three women whose husbands were a PITA about holidays, so they always holidayed with friends or alone.

I went away a lot without DH and either with or without DC when I was a SAHM. DH wasn't bothered on going anywhere so it was go without him or not go at all. What he earnt was our money though, not his money.

Recently he's become more interested in travel and there are a few places he'd like to go that I don't want to go back to, mainly because there are so many places I still haven't seen. He's free to go on his own but prefers to come where I want to go because I do all the organising.

I'd just talk to DH and see what he thinks.