To expect DH to put toddler to bed/wake up for her beyond two days?

[Artmumcreative]

I'm utterly exhausted. My DH is supposed to be sleep training our toddler because I'm pregnant with our second baby. After two days of being quite successful he told me that I need to get used to settling her myself because he's working (more than) full-time, including late evenings in a job that he isn't even happy in. I breastfeed our toddler twice a day, maybe three times, and when I try to settle her in her room she just wants milk (mornings, evenings, and for naps unless she falls asleep in the pushchair).
AIBU to think that sleep training is the job of the parent that isn't breastfeeding/attempting to wean their toddler off breastmilk?

Any tips/advice?

Pregnancy fatigue trumps the working tiredness I reckon, milk provider issues aside

You'll have to put her to bed at some point though and she's going to want milk whether that's after 2 days or 2 weeks so I think this is one of those situations where it would be best just to bite the bullet.

If he's at work then what's the alternative?

Ok, so how do I do it? My expectation was that she'd get into a routine of going to bed and then I could step in

YABU to say its not your job, he’s unreasonable if he’s saying it is solely your job. It’s BOTH of your jobs- alternate.

In my opinion, he needs to do it for a lot longer than 2 days. Clearly just cba and wants you to do it again.

You need to just stick to what ever routine she's been doing so far. If she's used to you nursing her to sleep then that's always going to be an issue when you eventually put her to bed alone.

I agree with this. You are both parents equal time on this.

I doubt she will after 2 weeks. Both of mine appeared to never think about breastmilk again after a couple of days' break, having previously fed every bedtime.

He's right, your DC needs to be able to be put down by both parents successfully. If DC wants milk, say no! DC can obviously be put down without it otherwise your DH wouldnt have been successful.

This is specifically for the weaning off bf stage. It’s very very reasonable to ask the dad to do a week or two for that.

It doesn't sound like the OP is stopping breastfeeding all together though? She says she still feeds several times a day.

I do not agree with this and yes I breastfed through this period.

To me once dad was home we were on equal parenting time for everything. This included my breastfeeding and pregnant trying to ensure our ds would get a bed routine.

Really?

My husband had to do bed time for a week or two with both of our older kids to break the feeding to sleep cycle and I intend to ask him to do the same for baby 3 very soon. He did bed time I did mornings. Seemed to even out fair.

For anyone saying just say no, I'd like to know if that has ever worked for a exclusively breastfed toddler because mine would literally have their face down my top like some hysterical gremlin given half a chance.

I smell like milk, DH doesn't. One of my friends sleep trained before she returned to work months ago and her DH still does the night-time routine/waking because my friend also smells like milk. Our toddlers want our milk. It's not an excuse to get one up on our husbands, the men doing the sleep training just means that it's less upsetting for our children because they're not even tempted to ask for milk. I'm the one that gets up with our toddler in the morning, he doesn't bother.

Work out a routine and both if you stick to it.
If your feeding around bedtime perhaps do her feed, then take to brush and pop into bed and read a story. Make.sure boob's are undercover and not accessible and just keep reply no if they demand another feed. I sleep trained mine as dh worked away, a week or so they realise your not going to feed at bedtime or in their room.

I think both of you are sort of right. You do need a bedtime routine that both parents can do for when one of using is working late, unwell, exhausted, away for the evening etc. Default overnight parent is trap neither of you want to get lured into. I also agree that the back of the sleep training is best done by Dad when you’re breastfeeding. But at some point you also need to step back in. If you’re doing a controlled crying the general consensus is it usually takes 3 nights so you step back in on night 4 would be reasonable enough I think if it’s gone to plan. If it’s a gentle method that takes longer he’ll probably need to do it for longer. Talk about it and agree a plan! Then going forwards I’d expect a rough 50:50 split but be kind to another and be flexible when one is unwell, really tired, busy work week etc.

Sleep training isn’t anyone’s job. Ditch it. It won’t last anyway, I don’t know anyone who didn’t have to retrain constantly, and especially around a new sibling.

Weaning is a personal call, I think. I still did bedtimes when I was weaning off. I did it very gently, I started latching him off just before he was asleep, and then a little bit earlier, and then feeding before reading, and then just reading.

To be honest; though, combining night weaning with sleep training sounds brutal for everyone and I can’t blame your husband for not wanting to do it all.

My DH is away during the week every week so I had to night wean myself. It was fine, took 2 nights of her being upset and then she would just cuddle to sleep instead (we cosleep). I did this when she was maybe 20 months ish. She’s 2 now and still breastfeeds but just during the day. She’s rarely asks for it during the night or at bedtime but if she does I just say no.

You said he was working though? It's not like he's just deciding not to support the new routine and can't be arsed. If he's working then yes you do need to also help with bedtimes unless you're planning on letting the toddler stay up until he's finished work?

Yep. I was co-sleeping with DD. The reason we need to sleep train and wean her now is that I'm going to have another baby in a few months' time and I need DD to be able to sleep on her own.

She generally sleeps through. She woke up at half seven this morning and because DH refused to get up I thought it must be four or five and spent ages rocking her and trying to put her down until I went back into our room and checked my phone. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some help after 7am, is it?

I know she generally sleeps through but did she last night? If he was up in the night due to the sleep training and if DD normally has a breastfeed first thing then seems fair enough you’d get up with her. I don’t really understand the point about help? We would normally split it based on who did the nights wake(s), who got up yesterday and then factor in who needs to rush off to get to work and somehow muddle through the morning!

I don’t think you need to sleep train. I think you need to gently say goodbye to breastfeeding. And I say this as someone who’s loved breastfeeding!
Sleep training is not kind. If you wean her she will naturally look for soothe in other ways - teddy or lullaby worked for my children

I weaned my toddler off the night time feed by getting ex dp to do bedtime for a couple of weeks. We coslept and he slept with her in the spare room for that time and it worked a treat. In the day I would wear plasters over my nipples and if she yanked my top down idsay 'Oh no, milks finished!'.

Dd was an absolute boob monster and just saying no would have led to epic tantrums.