To say that when I am Leader of the World

[Wheelskeepturning]

There will be a special, horrible prison purely for people who...

• park on double yellow lines or across someone's driveway (I don't care if it's just for 5 fucking minutes.)
• drop litter, double sentence if it's in a park/countryside
• don't pick up their dog 's poo
• ha e a dog they can't control or doesn't have an instant recall if off a lead
• Anyone who talks or is on their phone in a cinema or theatre

There are no second chances, straight to prison for a year for a first offence.

I don't care if IABU - don't forget I AM THE RULER OF THE WHOLE
WORLD

I am happy to add other crimes to my list if anyone has any ideas

This is (hopefully) obviously lighthearted and I know there are obviously many, many much worse crimes and those people will continue to go to prison.

People who chew gum. Extra penalties for people who chew gum but try to pretend they aren't - that makes it even worse! Instant banishment for people who chew gum and blow bubbles with it.

Anyone who is "too busy/important" to even read OPs updates and saunters along to say what 400 posters have already said, or helpfully suggest xyz when the problem was resolved days ago. Go. Away.

Loud people in quiet places. We've just had a night away in a lovely hotel. We had to move away with our drinks last night as they were fucking braying like wounded sea lions. Unfortunately, we were near them at breakfast and it was relentless. I know the names of their cats, how old the cats are, what colour the cats are, how they prefer to make marmalade (not the cats!). I could tell you where they went for their last 4 holidays. Sadly, although we were a couple of hours from home, it was also apparent that they live quite close to us.

Baseball hats are an abomination so they may only be worn within your own house or garden.

Men without shirts are confined to the beach or THEIR OWN back garden.
Absolutely not pub gardens.

And round here, there are notices saying 'Extra long hoses. Fill up either side'.

An hour in the stocks for people who play music / videos out loud on their phones in public. While being blasted VERY loudly with their least favourite noise.

Can I please add some harsh punishment for people who choose to join a club or attend an event (or send their child to a club/event) but refuse to read the very clear joining instructions and instead constantly badger organisers with questions that were clearly addressed in said instructions. Double the punishment if they hold up the session/event by asking their questions when everyone who bothered to read the instructions is trying to get on. Life for anyone who does the above when the club/event is organised by volunteers.

On a similar note, stern punishment for anyone who sends their child to a club and expects rules to apply to everyone else's child but not theirs (unless for a good reason eg to accommodate special needs). Double the prison time if they ignore the rule not to bring toys etc from home then expect organisers to instigate a full scale investigation/search when they ignore it and said toy is broken/lost.

People who ask “does that make sense?” after they say something utterly basic and easy to comprehend, particularly when they ask it in a patronising tone with an air suggesting they are highly intelligent and have dumbed down this concept as much as they possibly can in the hope you’ll be able to grasp it - when I am leader of the universe these people will be executed on the spot.

Middle lane drivers

people who have fog lights one when it isn’t foggy

People in open plan office who have noise notifications for Teams and Outlook.

People who don’t know how to use the slip road of a motorway and drive at 40mph, not matching the speed of the traffic

Wearing grey joggers.

People who submit shit parking diagrams. They should be beaten with a ruler and poked with felt tip pens.

Shut down any shop for a day that makes staff ask "do you want a bag?". No-one should be asked if they want a bag when shopping because after many years customers should be bringing their own.

Training for people who constantly run out of tablets or don't order in time and expect you to give them a prescription immediately. I'm not talking about a fridge breaking down and insulin being spoilt.

Jail my sister who is always late and and a slap for the usual "I forgot" get out of jail card she's been using for 50 odd years.

Lateness.

Openreach.

Water company executives.

I’ve done the prescription one. Partly because all my tablets (8 different ones) all have to be ordered at different times, as they started at different times and most can’t be given for more than 28 days. I manage most of the time now, by daily checking what is available to order.

There has to be rewards in your world, too. Anybody who has small children in the supermarket with them and who is chatting to the children and making it a pleasant experience for both the children and other shoppers should get 5% off at the till.

Have just been reminded by someone on Traitors of another one: people who say "I’m not going to lie!" when there was no question of anyone thinking they were going to lie.