To say that when I am Leader of the World

[Wheelskeepturning]

There will be a special, horrible prison purely for people who...

• park on double yellow lines or across someone's driveway (I don't care if it's just for 5 fucking minutes.)
• drop litter, double sentence if it's in a park/countryside
• don't pick up their dog 's poo
• ha e a dog they can't control or doesn't have an instant recall if off a lead
• Anyone who talks or is on their phone in a cinema or theatre

There are no second chances, straight to prison for a year for a first offence.

I don't care if IABU - don't forget I AM THE RULER OF THE WHOLE
WORLD

I am happy to add other crimes to my list if anyone has any ideas

This is (hopefully) obviously lighthearted and I know there are obviously many, many much worse crimes and those people will continue to go to prison.

I want to live there too please

People who blow their noses at dining tables.

No, sorry. You’re mad!

In the meantime, while we're waiting for @Wheelskeepturning to become leader of the world, posters who start threads and then don't bother to engage any further, should be banned from mumsnet for a month for their impoliteness.

No because more cars have the tank on the driver’s side than the passenger side, that’s why you get more people using the pumps on that side. So those who are willing to stretch the pump around are being helpful in keeping things moving.

Also even if your were right and it was even, it would depend who was at the petrol station that day.

So best if everyone uses the ones that are free in the order they arrived at the petrol station.

Can we add to your prison,

1. drivers who drive the wrong way down one way car parks
2. Teachers who request stupid costume/ingredients/craft construction with less than 1 working week’s notice. I cannot provide Tudor dress and 6 ramekins overnight.

Double sentence for picking up dog shit in a plastic bag then hanging it on a tree/fence post/dumping it on the floor. Filthy fuckers.

Slow walkers, except if you’re a cute old person (not many of those around) or you have a disability.
Blocking the supermarket aisles with your trolley whilst chopsing with someone whose trolley is also in the way.
People who grow enormous bastard conifers and allow them to grow over their fences.
Dog owners who praise their dogs for being twatty nobheds - ditto praising badly behaved children
People who fail to attend NHS appointments
People who are intolerant- obviously not me 😂

But why? What harm does it do anyone else, other than waste about five seconds?

Eating in non eating designated places will result in eviction e.g. theatre, cinema, trains. You do not need to gobble and rustle constantly. Hoola hoops or carrots in an office setting will also require death by lethal injection.

It will be perfectly legal and reasonable to push people over if they stop to chat and block doorways or supermarket aisles.

Driving significantly below the speed limit for no discernable reason - 35 in a 50 on the completely straight lane down to our village in dry daylight conditions will result in a one week driving ban.

People that whisper will have their mouths sellotaped together. I loathe the sound of whispering.

People that whine all day at work can be instantly sacked.

Just planning the building of many more prisons as the list of offences grows,

I'm adding people who get to the top of escalators or stairs and suddenly stop, particularly if they put numerous suitcases down.

i will be holding interviews for my 'Deputy Leaders of the World' soon, keep an eye on your inboxes 😉

Can we add using foglights when there is no fog to the list please??

Misusing the word of in place of have.

Must of / could of

Talking in present tense about past events. " "So I'm driving to work" No, you are standing in the kitchen talking to me.

Toddlers who make unreasonable requests. E.g. for you to not peel the banana, but they are incapable, so now we are screaming because the fruit is still inside the skin.

People who walk slowly taking up the whole pavement with their friends forcing people who are walking towards them step out in the road to walk past.

People who don't use headphones in public spaces to listen to music or who don't provide headphones for children who are playing on noisy devices.

Taking one nut at a time out of a fucking noisy crinkly packet in an enclosed space - tip a few in your hand FFS

@Centipedeswellies you should pop round my house for a glass of wine. I like your thinking.

People who spend 10 minutes hunting in their bag/ pockets at the pump for cards etc or who sit in their car for 5 minutes after filling up are more irritating than those who pull the hose over the car.

Only if you promise to just get quiet snacks out.

Can you please add people who play music or watch videos on public transport without headphones?

This is my kind of thread.

Statutory punishments for:

People who give tablets to toddlers in pushchairs. Even worse, people who actually fix a tablet holder to the pushchair. Children need to see the world around them. All this close focusing is ruining their eyesight.

People who put their great big primary-aged child IN the shopping trolley (with or without tablet). No!! Let the child walk round with you and help. Not sit in the main body of the trolley with their dirty great shoes.

I agree with you but just to point out re: double yellow lines (NOT referring to driveway blocking btw, I agree about that part), blue badge holders can park on double yellow lines for up to 3 hours provided we are not obstructing the carriageway, anyone’s drive or a dropped curb.

Oh there will be no whistling allowed either.
In fact any noises I find annoying will be subject to an instant ban.
People or councils who let their hedges grow so much that they block half the pavement.
All of the crimes listed above except the petrol station one, all drivers should be happy to pull the pump to the other side of the car in order to keep the queue moving.

Did you check for a blue badge before judging? As we can park in parent & child with a bb if disabled is full

People who put used matches back in the matchbox.

Music publishers who don't use spiral bounding for books of music.

People who walk along in a trance staring at their phones while getting in everyone else’s way. Especially if they’re on stairs.

Also people who send messages one sentence at a time, especially on Teams.
“Hi Empress!” (Ping)
”How are you?” (Ping)
”I’ve got a question” (Ping)

By which time I’ve turned the volume down & am ignoring them until I think they’ve finished.