To check in on crying neighbour?

[GreeneryGrass]

My neighbour is a lovely girl, she's just recently become a young mam. We message sometimes and I check in on her now and then. I can hear her absolutely crying her heart out right now and I really feel for her. She's mentioned some struggles recently so I know she's quite stressed (as if having a baby wasn't stressful enough!) and I'm wondering if I'd be unreasonable just to pop her a text saying I'm not looking to pry but I just want to check she's ok and if she needs to talk then I'm here. Equally I don't want her to feel I'm listening in and snooping, we just have such thin walls so I can hear her so clearly. Motherhood can be so lonely and I don't want her to feel she's alone and that nobody is there for her.

What do you think?

I would knock on the door ('did you take in a parcel for me?' or something) and take it from there.

Another one here that wouldn’t want it ever acknowledged if someone heard or saw me cry. Just pretend it never happened please.

BUT you have babies almost the same age, it wouldn’t be nice and completely normal to try and arrange walks and coffees together. Sometimes just another adult to talk to means such a lot.

Living next door to someone with an identical aged child would be such a dream, especially if they grew up to be friends.

I think more of a random text or pop round, ask how she is, give her the opportunity to talk if she wants to. Xx

A good plan.

I would OP. I once seen my next door neighbour sitting on his back step crying, I was putting the washing out, I felt awkward so didn’t say anything. He died that night leaving a young wife and two children behind, I often wonder if there was anything at all I could have done, probably not but I didn’t even try and I’ll always feel guilt for that.

I wouldn't mention the crying.
If the walls are that thin, it means she can hear all kinds of everything.
In one home, I could hear the couple next door have sex on a regular basis - not nice. I moved as soon as I could.

I’d say that you’ve been thinking of her since she mentioned some struggles and want to help. Ask her what she needs, ideally giving her some specifics you’d be happy doing so she doesn’t have to worry about asking for too much.

I messaged my neighbour (who I know pretty well) during postpartum saying: I’ve been thinking of you this week and want you to know that I’m here if you need help or just someone to chat to as having a baby can be really hard. Please let me know if any of these would help this week:
a) I can pop round for some company/a hug - I can bring cake!
b) drop off some frozen dinner options so you don’t have to worry about cooking. I can even leave them on the step if you’re not up for visitors.
c) pop over and hold baby whilst you shower/rest/eat
d) do a food shop - just give me a list and you can pay me back once I’ve got it all
e) join you for a walk around the block

Some of this may feel like too much as I’m not sure how well you know each other! But I think listing some specific options will enable her to know what you’re happy to do and makes it easier for her to ask for help. I also found out my neighbour’s favourite choc and would post bars of it through the letterbox occasionally and would say I’m heading to the supermarket and does she need any supplies. Post partum women are really vulnerable so a kind neighbour like you could be an absolute life saver.

I would knock on the door with two cups of tea one in each hand. But I was overwhelmed with my youngest - any kindness from anyone would have been appreciated and so I think of myself in that moment

You sound lovely, it is so good to read such caring posts

Such an amazing soul to be so caring for your neighbour. Please do reach out to them. Wish more people were like this in the world!

Wow, thank you all so much, these comments are really making me feel like I've done the right thing! And the more personal comments to me are so sweet, thank you so so much.
Just to update as promised, I messaged her saying I'm trying to face going to more baby friendly places but I'm a bit nervous about formal baby groups so would she like to go to the sensory room with me instead? She said she'd love to go and thank you for inviting them.
Very glad I chose this way to reach out! Hopefully all goes well tomorrow and she feels a bit better x

Id cook or bake something and take it round. Then get chatting and say something like ‘don’t you find the walls really thin in these houses’ so she knows you’ve heard her without telling her you’ve heard her.

Perfect suggestion. Well done.

I'd not mention that you heard her crying but yes I'd check in on her, see if she'd like to come round for a cup of tea or something. Motherhood can definitely be incredibly lonely, she might not open up first time but after a while of getting to know you she might want to open up.

If i was crying my heart out like that, I’d really want someone to come in and chat to me.
I know everyone’s different though, but it sounds like you know her semi well. I’d just knock on and say ‘oh love, I can hear you crying, do you want me to sit with you, or come round mine for a brew and chat?’ You can make it clear to her that you don’t mind her crying in her own home and not to feel like she can’t.
opportunities to really help people are lost when we’re not bold. Try not to second guess yourself. She’s a crying friend and I’m sure she’ll be glad for your warmth and care.

I had two neighbours who got me through the dark days of newborn with DD1. My next door neighbour used to leave home made soup or casseroles on my doorstep, or would pop round with some nice biscuits in the afternoon. I’m pretty sure she heard me howling. Another elderly neighbour, who used to be a nanny, used to pop over in the afternoon, tell me she would entertain the baby while I had a sleep or a shower. As DD1 got older, the elderly neighbour would take her out for a couple of hours, and next door would bring wine and two glasses in the evening. Such a contrast from my mother and her sister who sat on the sofa, demanded tea, coffee and full meals, and told me I was a slut for living in “such a filthy tip.” It really wasn’t that bad, but I was getting no sleep, had mastitis and they were no help at all.

You sound lovely 🥰