To check in on crying neighbour?

[GreeneryGrass]

My neighbour is a lovely girl, she's just recently become a young mam. We message sometimes and I check in on her now and then. I can hear her absolutely crying her heart out right now and I really feel for her. She's mentioned some struggles recently so I know she's quite stressed (as if having a baby wasn't stressful enough!) and I'm wondering if I'd be unreasonable just to pop her a text saying I'm not looking to pry but I just want to check she's ok and if she needs to talk then I'm here. Equally I don't want her to feel I'm listening in and snooping, we just have such thin walls so I can hear her so clearly. Motherhood can be so lonely and I don't want her to feel she's alone and that nobody is there for her.

What do you think?

You could always reach out by saying you are finding it difficult with your baby and would love to have a chat and ask her advice 🙂 x

I think I’d find some excuse to knock on her door tbh. Borrow something or take her some cake or something and try to get chatting. Poor girl hope she’s ok and well done for being a nice neighbor

Offering to walk to the sensory room with her sounds like a great idea OP. When my kids were babies I took them to the (now sadly closed) Sure Start centre nearby regularly, it kept me sane getting out and meeting other mums there.

Oh yes, an invitation to get out of the house sounds perfect.

I think its lovely of you to care and wish there were more people like you around.

It sounds like she's more comfortable with messages so I would maybe send her a message saying I hope you are OK, if you'ld ever like to come round for a cup of tea and cake you are most welcome. And maybe suggest a day. I would not mention the crying but I love your phrase about motherhood can be so lonely and don't want you to feel alone and maybe could add that. Then she knows she doesn't have to pretend to be fine.

I think your approach sounds nice

And appropriate

This is the kind of situation where a white lie is useful tbh. Lots of suggestions about doing stuff together and how to reach out, but id also be tempted to go 'how are you doing, because I remember having a few cries in the shower after my first was born and it was so rubbish, it can be really tough sometimes cant it'. She might not open up right there and then, but it opens the door in future for you to say 'how are you? I had a tough week this week' and for her to say 'me too'.
Hope she's doing okay - its lovely of you to want to reach out.

Just to say go for it and how lovely you are to care...so many people don't have a clue about their neighbours or how to interact with kindness not nosiness...please if you can keep us updated.

Please don’t say anything that implies she could be struggling/ you’ve heard her.

I used to cry all of the time and would have hated knowing people could hear me.
My home was the one place I could let it out.

I would definitely invite her round for a cup of tea then your DH is at work.
The more she comes round, the more she’ll feel like she can open up to you.

Is she a single parent?
Id offer to watch her baby at yours whilst she goes home and has a shower and if the baby wakes up you’ll text her.

Thank you for being so kind.

Aw I'd frame it as did she fancy a change of scenery with the babies.

I've bawled my heart out before in my home and yep my neighbours probably heard me but I'd be mortified if they brought it up and feel I couldn't do it in future when sometimes a massive cry is just the release that's needed.

This!

definitely DO NOT mention the crying

she can mention it if she wants

Thank you all so much. You've all been so kind and helpful, it's massively helped reaching out here. I just remember the trenches with my first and feeling that mat leave would never end and my only friend was a baby that couldn't talk 😅. Things are generally much better this go around but I just don't want her to feel as isolated as I did back then.
I'll reach out to her soon, and I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks again for your lovely comments xx

If she's on her own, then I'd make an excuse to call over (I had some xyz leftover and thought you might like it) or so and so dropped in these biscuits but I don't eat them would you. Or if she's done anything you've appreciated you could use that as an excuse to call round with something small to say thank you. Then I'd just see how she is and gauge it from there. I'd mention nothing about the crying but if she brings it up or if she seems completely wrecked then I would offer to watch baby for an hour or two while she sleeps or showers. I think inviting her out to a joint play date is a fabulous idea, I'd actually frame it as I saw xyz but I was a bit nervous to go on my own would you come with.

Then just mention that she was she was feeling the strain the other day so thought you’d offer to look after the baby whilst she has a cup of tea in peace. You could propose to bring cake/biscuits to with it!

If she says NO, then, just tell her your door is always open if she wants to take up the offer.

That way she has ample opportunity to refuse or take on your offer Deoending on how she feels.
Remember too, you can only offer help. It’s really up to her to take it.

Could you make the pretext a you problem - like ask her to go for a walk because you need a break, you're knackered, you need some adult company, you're struggling...

I agree with this. Maybe a message saying something like, "God, this is relentless, isn't it? I'm desperate for some adult company. Are you free for a walk tomorrow?"

I'd say it could feel a bit embarrassing for her if she knew you could hear her crying and reacted to it, even in a kind way.

But definitely text her a bit later on just to ask how she is and maybe ask her in/out for a coffee?

It's really nice they you're so caring. But also don't get too embroiled in her life as it could be very complicated.

I've no better advice than you've had, just wanted to say what a nice thread.

tell her you love the baby years

Err no. Way to imply she doing it wrong!
Tell her you remember the baby years being really hard at times.
The only thing keeping you going was to hope the next month or stage would be better as baby becomes more responsive.
That taking it hour by hour day by day was the way forward

I’d make an excuse to pop round. The last thing you want is her realising she can be overheard and she’s not even safe in her own home.

As per other replies, I would find some excuse to pop round or message.

Bake some cookies and pop round for a cup of tea or text suggesting to go to the baby sensory place.

I’m not a mother but had a neighbour with 3 young children and another with 2 young children. Me and another single friend and another one all used to invite them for drinks or to the cinema. The mothers were only too happy to get out of the house leaving their little cherubs with their DH’s!

Go round with a cake as PPs have said. Don’t mention having heard her but go, have a chat and see if she will open up. Maybe invite her to a baby group or class.

Knock on the door with cake and ask id she fancies putting on the kettle. It could be the start of a great friendship/support network