Ds no playdates

[DandyDenimScroller]

Ds 4 started reception in September. I hate school drop off and pickups as its loud, too many people and I end up incredibly anxious then stressed. Also I had a bit of a meltdown due to my dad dying last year and my humour was misinterpreted by 1 mum who has now ostracised me from a group that ds is friends with. I apologised and avoid them so as not to spoil their friendship.

I notice that some of the other children have playdates,not just the group my ds is in but others. Im now worried its my fault ds isnt having playdates and will end up like me with no friends and fearful of talking to people.
Obviously I know I'm a prat and have anxiety and borderline personality disorder along with autism and depression so im only good in small doses and then I overshare so I know im better without but I still worry that ds is/will miss out because of his idiot of a mum. I do try to facilitate playdates but most of the parents are full time working or have nannies pickup or the child is in wraparound care.

Ds is 11 and never had any.. He is still an extremely popular boy.. Find outside hobbies for your dc to broaden his friendship groups.

You do have to make the effort if you want child to have playdates. Parents wont arrange playdates with other parents they dont know, simple fact.

Can your other half not take some of this on if its too much for you with drop offs etc

Has your son been to many birthday parties yet with kids in class? Found this was the best way to get to know other parents, and build up to play dates.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

DS is still very, very young and playdates are not a necessity at the moment. If he is happy at school and you do activities outside school then that's fine.
As he gets older he will find his friends and playdates and friendships will occur naturally.

Dying to know what happened when your humour was misinterpreted …

But look, what I would say is the parents (mums, let’s be honest) who get all worked up about it are the ones who do end up ostracised; fairly or otherwise. Try to relax, let friendships develop organically, try not to think of mums who are friendly with other mums as a clique and the rest will come.

Thank you so much for your replies. This makes me feel better for him. No parties yet.

If you volunteer at school working bees, cake stalls or whatever it can be a good way to meet other parents without having too much social pressure because there is a task to do. Do you have time to do anything like that? Can help break the ice.

It’s still quite early days for play dates at school. My ds wasn’t quite ready for play dates with new friends - also you may have a sibling at home, or friends from preschool you are keeping up with.

Having other kids in the house adds complication - if they are older the focus may be on their friendships where playing outside a ch ion does get a bit more important. Or if younger, it may be too tricky to manage a playdate (as mum or dad would need to stay and might not feel comfortable inviting themselves to stay with the baby!)

If mums are working, it’s very hard to fit in playdates alongside rest of life.

Why not try and set up a playdate at a weekend? and don’t worry if there is no reciprocated invitation. Do you have a class WhatsApp you can grab people’s names from?

You need to smile, be thick skinned, and just go for it!

What do you mean about having a meltdown?

Clubs like Beavers can be good for friendships. Not necessarily play dates but a regular weekly time to play with others, make friends and enjoy organised activities.

Brilliant advise.

Don't feel bad, OP! Join him up to after school clubs, Beavers, activity clubs etc..

Also invite children to yours for playdates.

So sorry about your dad, OP. I lost both my mum and dad when my dc were very young so know how tough it can be.

The meltdown i guess was me having a dizzying high of thinking im funny when im not and then crashing back down to a low.

My DD is in reception and hasn't had any yet, I think they are a little too young unless you know the family/stay. I think they started in Yr1 for my older DS. DD has been to a fair few parties already, you may just have a class with lots of birthdays later in the year.

Why not? Just curious as I don't know anyone whose child hasn't been on a playdate.

Playdates would be with mums at this age. When he's older (7-8) it's drop off and I have invited kids my ds liked at that age even though I wasn't a fan of the parents. Doesn't matter as I don't have to entertain the mother.

It's probably not you, OP, it could well be the others.

You may have too sophisticated a sense of humour for them!

I promise you I am not sophisticated. It was just me being too much. The mum now keeps her son away from my ds and I personally dont think that's right as its not my sons fault his mum is socially backwards. I'd never ostracise a child.

Honestly, and in a nice way, just chill out.

Not many people have play dates in reception and year 1 - people are busy and kids are tired - and those that do often know each other already so a chance for them to catch up with other mums rather than a play date.

The only playdates my son has are with my friend’s kids.
he goes to wraparound care so I don’t see any other parents.

honestly- don’t worry about it. Friendships don’t have to be outside of school too.

Take a deep breath. You aren't an idiot or stupid. You're someone who suffers with anxiety and my guess is you find social gatherings tough. Your son is only 4 and started Reception in September, there is plenty of time for him to have play dates. Children at this age are really only just learning about friendships. Up to this point, they play along side other children, and don't always do so with the same children. Is your child joining in at break and lunch time? He's mixing well with the children in class? Have a chat with his class teacher. If the school thinks he's doing all these things, then don't worry. If he's not, and is spending time on his own during these times, then that's more of an issue.

As for playdates, don't force it. If your son likes a particular child, ask the Mum if he (and his Mum) would like to join you after school at the park for half an hour. Play dates can be outside the home! My son has never been interested in having friends to our house, but he's happy to meet outside it. As others have suggested, is there any clubs that you can sign him up for, so he can expand his friendship group?

You do seem a bit much with all you’ve described and unfortunately at this age, play dates are very much organised through the mums. If you also keep to yourself then you make yourself unapproachable. As play dates at 4 require a parent around, maybe they feel awkward if you don’t interact with anyone. Maybe start again with one friend of ds. Speak to the mum and invite her for coffee and then a play date. Sometimes the groups one are overwhelming at this age anyway.

Sounds very extreme and ridiculous of her.

My children get play dates because I instigate them. They hardly ever get an invite but nobody except me seems to notice. We live in a very ‘local’ area of the city, current children can be the second or third generation who went to that school. I wouldn’t usually get any conversation from those mums, but I made some great friends among the other incomers.
You might find knocking back a Propranolol before hitting the playground helps.

I’m 40, and never had friends round to play for various home related reasons. I also don’t remember going to anyone else’s house outside of a birthday party (so what we would call an “play date”now) until I was about 8 or so. I’ve always had friends though, it honestly didn’t affect my ability to make friends/speak to people at all. I do want DD (who is an only child) to be able to bring friends home as much as she wants - within reason! - as I never had that growing up, but I’m not so bothered about “play dates” as it seems more for the parents when they’re little. DD is approaching 4, has never had any play dates but it seems birthday parties at nursery are kicking off 🙂 and she seems happy enough. Try not to worry OP ❤️

My dad died last year as well. It’s really shit.

dont worry too much about what happened. Did you explain to the other mum that you’re having a hard time?

My youngest never got playdates as the parents cant care for his disability. (Type one).
that said I just invite his friends over to ours, never had a problem and we’ve then been invited to go swimming, soft play etc by the friends parents. (I go along too.)

invite your sons friends to yours, their parents then might invite your child to theirs? Its a bit of give & take with playdates.