Ds no playdates

[DandyDenimScroller]

Ds 4 started reception in September. I hate school drop off and pickups as its loud, too many people and I end up incredibly anxious then stressed. Also I had a bit of a meltdown due to my dad dying last year and my humour was misinterpreted by 1 mum who has now ostracised me from a group that ds is friends with. I apologised and avoid them so as not to spoil their friendship.

I notice that some of the other children have playdates,not just the group my ds is in but others. Im now worried its my fault ds isnt having playdates and will end up like me with no friends and fearful of talking to people.
Obviously I know I'm a prat and have anxiety and borderline personality disorder along with autism and depression so im only good in small doses and then I overshare so I know im better without but I still worry that ds is/will miss out because of his idiot of a mum. I do try to facilitate playdates but most of the parents are full time working or have nannies pickup or the child is in wraparound care.

Depends entirely on what she’s said

I’ve had some utterly bonkers/offensive stuff said to me
by some parents. It was ‘a joke’ on all occasions but the unhinged and lack of boundaries has made me think twice!!

What was the joke?

Is that Diabetes?

We have a similar issue. DD2, aged 6 (year2) used to get invited to lots of parties and playdates. Since she was diagnosed as coeliac 9 months ago she hasn't been invited to a single one, I think people are just too worried about doing the wrong thing, and parents dont tend to go on playdates after reception. It's tough isn't it.
So I host lots of playdates, and I don't mind, it's nice to get to know their friends.

It was more of a winding people up who i know and we tag each other in stuff such as who's the idiot letting off fireworks and then tagging the person I knew saying it was them. They then tag me in something where someone posts why are there police near the buffet and they tag me saying its because I ate all the food and refused to leave. I dont know why but someone then messaged this mum and she wouldn't say who as they didnt want to get involved, saying i need to be careful how i speak to people. Im still confused about all of it but I explained to the other friend who is still ok with me. It didnt really clock with me at the time that I was having a breakdown until I just broke down crying. I was then advised by my mum to get therapy which I have done.

I did to another mum. She has said she doesn't trust me now,without going into it i know the mum has ongoing trauma so I guess is just protecting herself.

Our ds is such a happy confident little boy, he will play with anyone.

4 is a bit young for play-dates unless the mothers are friends.
Organise a play date. I wouldn’t put so much thought into the school pick ups as you’ll come across extra anxious, remember no one really cares what you say/think, keep it light, smile say hello, there is no magic club to break into.
It has only been one term. Try to chill.

Yeah this is why I just stay away from people. I always think this time it will be different but usually im just used for what I can give or as a back up. I dont know how to navigate friendships as I haven't had any since I was 14. Then the depression and everything got worse. But its not a bunch of kids fault they couldn't understand me back then.

I guess it doesn't help I haven't had a shower since Monday evening but im just low at the moment.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, school people are not really friends. I met a few mam’s over the years but was never part of a group or a clique. I’d talk to anyone as long as they said hi.
Stop over thinking it and thinking that people are out to use you or you will feel extra defensive.
Just let it flow.

As others have said 4 is young, so you're right to think it's probably about your relationship with other parents. This is a good thing. It means your child is OK. My youngest is constantly identified as the most popular kid in school, gets 50 kids show up for birthday parties etc - but never ever has playdates. I think because he's friends with everyone he doesn't have a 'best' friend. It's fine.

As for you.

I'm gonna say I think you sound awesome. And lovely. I love people who overshare. And try and be funny. And are open about their feelings. You are not the problem.

Only when my eldest started school did I realize how small minded and petty and dreadful school mums can be. Honestly it made me really dislike all neurotypicals for a while. I find them basic and dull and judgy.

Your solution (mine was) could be to find your people? I joined a bunch of communities for autistic women and autistic mums and neurodivergent people etc and made a crew of amazing friends who get my humor, and let me overshare, and hold my hand if I cry, and the best thing is a bunch of them have kids. And those kids have become my kids' friends. And those are the kids we do playdates with (for eldest who is SEN and ironically has a more active social life than neurotypical mr popular youngest).

I want you to look in the mirror and repeat: I. Am. Not. A. Problem.

xx

You’re only a few months in. It’ll all get easier, try not to overthink interactions, everyone is awkward at the school gates, it’s a short amount of time to get into proper conversation x

Thank you so much. Today's pickup was ok I try to time it now so most have left and there's only a few left. I just played tree of savior neo whilst waiting.

I can't really make head nor tail of your joking/meltdown but I will say your paranoia about it probably isn't helping.

You might be seeing lack of playdates as directly related to your behaviour back then when it might have nothing at all to do with that.

Four is quite young still. As the kids get older they grow more in charge of who they want to play with, rather than it being a mum clique thing so I don't think it's a huge cause for concern just yet.

If you really want playdates to start, maybe invite someone over? Or see if you can connect with other parents?

Next time your DS has a birthday, throw a party (soft play or whatever), ask the teacher to hand out the invitations for you to all the kids, then when all the mums rsvp you will have their phone numbers. Anyone your DS would like a play date with you can then txt the mum. (No awkward playground conversations needed).

My son is 9 and in year 5 now and never had a play date. He is a sociable boy always been invited to birthday parties and played with other kids he just met at the park and soft plays etc and has his hobbies like Swimming and boxing he goes to classes for so ive never been bothered , im quite introverted myself don't have any school run mum friends and ive notice the other mums do stand together talking and alot have become friends over the years ive over heard things like that they meet up with the kids outside of school so I think could be my fault abit but like I say he still got social interaction,now hes older he plays online on the PlayStation with his classmates too, I am making more of an effort with my second child tho I now have a 9 month old and im.doing all the mother and baby groups that i didn't do with my firstborn and trying to get to know the other mums asking about them selves etc its hard tho don't always have things in common just because both have a baby,I say don't let it stress you out too much if you apologised to the mum you say you offended not much more you can do she doesn't sound the nicest anyway some.grown women are still in there mean girl high school mindset unfortunately

My son is 9 and in year 5 now and never had a play date. He is a sociable boy always been invited to birthday parties and played with other kids he just met at the park and soft plays etc and has his hobbies like Swimming and boxing he goes to classes for so ive never been bothered , im quite introverted myself don't have any school run mum friends and ive notice the other mums do stand together talking and alot have become friends over the years ive over heard things like that they meet up with the kids outside of school so I think could be my fault abit but like I say he still got social interaction,now hes older he plays online on the PlayStation with his classmates too, I am making more of an effort with my second child tho I now have a 9 month old and im.doing all the mother and baby groups that i didn't do with my firstborn and trying to get to know the other mums asking about them selves etc its hard tho don't always have things in common just because both have a baby,I say don't let it stress you out too much if you apologised to the mum you say you offended not much more you can do she doesn't sound the nicest anyway some.grown women are still in there mean girl high school mindset unfortunately