Abusive ex

[Gettingbysomehow]

My DS is getting married and I have been told I am expected to sit at the head table with my ex husband his father.
I haven't seen this man for 35 years. I suffered domestic abuse from him including being punched in the face and having to flee to a refuge with DS. He was not allowed any contact with DS while he was growing up, court ordered.
Apparently I should let bygones be bygones. I don't agree. I don't see why I should EVER have to sit next to a man who beat me for 8 years.
He is out of my life and thats it.
Nobody seems to understand this so Ive decided not to go to the wedding and there is all kinds of fuss about it.
Im not afraid of my ex any more but I think its disgusting everyone is expecting me to just forget about the abuse like it never happened.
Im single so no partner to back me up.
What do you think? AIBU?
Please no twatty comments. I feel very strongly that I cant just "forget" about domestic violence.

I think you are absolutely justified OP.

Is your DS one of those trying to insist you let bygones be bygones and expecting you to sit with your ex ?Or is the pressure coming from others and he is just going along with it?

Ask them to follow conventional head table seating protocol, which is that the mother of the groom sits next to the father of the bride and vice versa.

Then completely blank him the rest of the time.

Everyone including DS. My ex hasn't changed at all and contributed zero to DSs life, no money and no other support and he isnt paying anything towards the wedding. Ive no intention of even being in the same building as him.

This would be better.

If my DS follows along conventional lines, I’ll be in the same situation one day. I think your feelings are absolutely valid. I’d feel the same.

(I couldn’t help but sneak a bit of a smile at the thought of you hiring the most gorgeous consort for the day to bring along with you, though…😉)

How bizarre. How thoughtless of your DS.

Surely you just say “son, you know the background, I can’t possibly sit next to him
”

It must be extremely hurtful that your DS can't understand your feelings in this OP.

I think not wanting to be in the same building is a perfectly valid stance to take. Your DS should respect that. Even if, for whatever reason, he has forgiven his father for the past he has no right to expect you to do the same.

Shame on your son. Sorry but this is totally inappropriate to expect you to sit there with him after what he did to you. Contributed nothing to his child’s life but now said child is choosing to have this man at the top table and his own mother unable to face coming. He needs to have a word with himself. Yes it’s his wedding but he cannot expect his mother to just put it in the past.

What is your relationship like with his fiancée?

I think you're absolutely right to say you won't sit next to him, in fact I would find it very hard to be in the same room as him. I feel really sad for you that your son seems to be so uncaring and selfish to expect that of you. If I were the woman your son is marrying, this would definitely give me pause for thought.

I would tell your son you won't be there and that you're massively disappointed in him prioritising his abusive father over the woman that raised him. Shame on him 😔

Your ex is a violent criminal and you’re entirely sensible and justified in avoiding being in his presence. Maintain your boundaries. Anyone who doesn’t respect them whoever they are doesn’t matter and more - is a contributor to the kind of misogyny and tolerance of violence that helps spawn such abuse.

I would be having strong words with my son, all of it truthful. I would then be having a discussion with FDIL saying “this is the man you are marrying” and like fuck would I be in the same room as my assaulter.

And I would be deeply hurt at having to go through it all.

Your DS decided to rebuild a relationship with his dad despite the no contact as a child. That was his choice.

Just like it is your choice not to be anywhere near someone who hut you.

However, this can't be coming as a surprise if he has had a good relationship with his dad. There was always going to be 'what happens when he weds'.

The options were always going to be let bygone be bygone and grind your teeth, or sit as far away as possible and ignore him completely, or not go. That choice is yours entirely.

Very well said.

OP, sorry your son is ignoring the reality of who his father is for the sake of wedding traditions.

I’m so sorry op that’s an awful situation to be in. I have to see my abusive ex from time to time as our dc are adults and so there’s been birthdays, engagements, weddings, grandchildren’s births, events. It’s been horrible for me. Exh was a terrible father and I have no idea why the even tolerate him (tbf one has disowned him after a big falling out). The other two beg for crumbs and bend over backwards to have him in their life.

it’s made me need to step back and reduce contact with my dc. For my own mental health. I’ve told them some of what he put me through but I’m still expected to put them first and turn up, grit my teeth. I feel my fear and hurt has been discarded and ex must be prioritised as he now has no other family (his own doing). He’s even sayd and done things to me at these events and I’ve told them, I’m told I’m being too sensitive , he’s just having a laugh. I don’t find it funny.

I don’t really have any advice. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And how you deal with this will set a precedent to any future events x

OK. She hates him too. She was livid that DS gave him their new address when they moved.

To make matters worse he is a rapist. This is the hill I will die on. If he goes I don't. End of. Ds knows his fiancee loathes his father so I do not know why this is happening. DS and his father don't even have a great relationship.

Completely on your side here
Never should you have to face this man and I feel for you that your DS is doing this

Your DS is coming across as a complete twat.

Ignore his fiancee
and grossly let’s down his mother

Also on your side. It is disgraceful to be told you need to gloss over abuse and your ds really should be ashamed of himself being quite honest. Not the same but I refused to go to my brothers wedding due to some stuff and the shit hit the fan and it really brought me to my knees at how little any of the 'family' respected my boundaries and just wanted me to put up and shut up. I did not go in the end anyway and of course now I am excluded from the family but you know what I would rather be alone than be disrespected like that. I am so sorry you have to make this choice OP.

I don't understand why your DS wants his F there. You could join forces with your DIL and say if he attends, you won't be. No wedding without a bride.

If you end up being pressured to go, take a good looking bodyguard as your plus one. 😊

I think your son is being insanely selfish and insensitive here.

Thanks everyone, I just hope he comes to his senses at some point. I'm sticking to my guns.

I think your son needs a call from a domestic violence advocate so that he understands what he's asking of you and yes I agree with the plus one idea, even if it's just a friend who understands.i wonder if a social worker/domestic violence worker could go with you. I know they can accompany people to court and visitations. If you do have to go with him there, support might be good

If he doesn’t come to his senses and continues to utterly disrespect you and his wife to - then honestly @Gettingbysomehow I would seriously pity your future DIL.