Abusive ex

[Gettingbysomehow]

My DS is getting married and I have been told I am expected to sit at the head table with my ex husband his father.
I haven't seen this man for 35 years. I suffered domestic abuse from him including being punched in the face and having to flee to a refuge with DS. He was not allowed any contact with DS while he was growing up, court ordered.
Apparently I should let bygones be bygones. I don't agree. I don't see why I should EVER have to sit next to a man who beat me for 8 years.
He is out of my life and thats it.
Nobody seems to understand this so Ive decided not to go to the wedding and there is all kinds of fuss about it.
Im not afraid of my ex any more but I think its disgusting everyone is expecting me to just forget about the abuse like it never happened.
Im single so no partner to back me up.
What do you think? AIBU?
Please no twatty comments. I feel very strongly that I cant just "forget" about domestic violence.

Knowing all that why does your son even want him at the wedding?

I'd refuse to sit with him too. Stick to your guns OP.

My ex did this to his mum. I felt terrible for her that he expected her to get over it and sit with him at the wedding. Hate to say it but my ex turned out to be abusive just like his father. Looking back it was a massive red flag he doesn’t respect women.

personally I’d attend my children’s wedding so long as I don’t have to sit with their dad. I can’t imagine dd would except me to as they can see themselves in the one raising them while their dad is a piece of shit. But my ds will come out with phrases I know he’s got from his dad and is being tainted. I worry how it will impact his future. If I was expected to sit with him I’d not go either. Stay strong if that’s how you feel OP it’s completely reasonable

Not the OP obviously but is DS feeling the pressure from his Dad to invite him? My son finds it very difficult to tell his Dad what he feeling and unfortunately I can see myself in this situation in the future but I would be livid about being sat next to him or in any photos with him.

You would generally expect weddings where family setups are messy and complicated to forego traditions like family main tables and make provisions for alternatives.

We for example, did not have parents at the main table and parents sat with other respective family and friends to avoid being in close contact with each other. We didn’t even insist on them being in the same photos.

Why is your DS insisting on something that is going to make his own wedding uncomfortable?

That would make him the OP's brother 🤭

YANBU, I think you need to stick to your guns here OP.

Oh, serves me right.

You've edited now 😊

Sorry if this is stating the obvious but does your son know exactly what your ex did to you, the punching and having to flee in the night. If so he is very insensitive, I mean someone could have PTSD from abuse like that and having to face the abuser would be very distressing.He should listen to you and his bride.

Have you posted about this before? A few months ago?