To be so disappointed with uncaring sibling

[Trinkopl]

At weekend my parent was taking into critical care due to serious infection. Stepparent called to let me know and it sounded quite serious.

I'm the oldest and live four hours away. I came straight down.

Sibling 1 lives two hours away and also came down after call.

Sibling 2 lives abroad very far away so they would not be able to come but I called them on my way down to let them know situation and said I'd text them the latest as soon as I got to hospital.

I texted a long update rather than called due to the time difference, expecting that Sibling 2 would call or reply when they woke up. My update spoke about possible sepsis, kidney failure etc so was clear it was serious, not just a quick stop in a&e.

It's been 48 hours since my updates and had nothing from Sibling 2. No reply, no call. I thought maybe he'd lost phone or something similar but he's updated his Instagram stories with himself at gym. So he must have seen my message.

Not once has he asked how parent is doing.

Sibling 1 is outraged. So am I. This isn't the first example of this sort of behaviour from sibling 2, he is often very self absorbed and doesnt know how to behave in certain situations ie when a relative is seriously ill, you ask how they are.

He is in 30s but sometimes seems a lot younger, like an immature teenager. This lack of awareness of others also once got him sacked from a job, I won't go into specifics but he basically gave his opinions openly in a job setting where he shouldn't have. His honesty and candour was naive, inappropriate and indiscreet and he was sacked.

Some family members have floated neurodivergence to explain this behaviour and he himself proudly declares he's 'on the spectrum'. However, he's never been diagnosed and I wonder if it's just a cop out for him to behave inconsiderately?

I wonder if it's extreme immaturity and being so self absorbed? He was mollycoddled by my other parent (not one that is ill) and I don't think he's ever learnt how to properly 'adult'. He does live abroad now but his life is really all about him and he doesn't seem to show consideration or thought for others.

AIBU to be disgusted with sibling or is this some undiagnosed neurodivergence?

Bumping

If you know their actions or non actions are likely not done so maliciously then I wouldn't be concerned about it tbh, it will be very easy to use them as a scapegoat for your emotions though, that would'nt be helpful or fair either.

I know if feels harsh but maybe he doesn’t care? He could be neurodivergent but maybe he is just cold. Is there a backstory?

I think people might have thought I was cold when my parent was ill but I really didn’t give a shit and had good reason.

You're not being unreasonable, it's upsetting. But sometimes families are like this and there will be siblings or other relatives you don't feel pull their weight or show enough concern. Hard as it is just accept the sibling for being the way they are and get on with focusing on you parents... they're the ones who need you right now.

I may be playing devil’s advocate here but are you absolutely sure your sibling has seen your message? If anything other than two blue ticks on WhatsApp, I’d be tempted to ring just to be absolutely sure they know and understand what’s going on. If they have definitely received it and not responded in any way - that does feel cold. Could be a bit of denial as well (much easier at a distance).

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope your parent is on the mend soon.

We had a bereavement today - my mum lost her sister. I was with her yesterday (both mum and my aunt) and will be going to see mum on Saturday. She texted me and my sister the news tonight at 5:30pm... my sister hasn't texted her back, but did text ME to say: "Will there be a funeral?"

What? That's it? My mum has lost her only sister. Our cousin is now an orphan.

"Will there be a funeral?"

"No selfish bitch sister there won't be, it will be a direct cremation. Would you like me to let you know where so you can send flowers/charity donation?"

"No that's fine, I just don't like funerals so I wouldn't have gone is all."

"Selfish bitch sister - are you going to drop mum a line?"

"Maybe tomorrow."

That's just who she is and always has been. She's not neurodivergent she is just the most selfish bitch, self absorbed... like that. She's 45, she is not going to change. Some people are just who they are. Diagnosis or no diagnosis.

Sending good vibes for your mum, sounds so scary, I hope she is getting the care that she needs.

Unfortunately this was also the case when it came to looking after my late dad. I've two brothers who both lived within a 5 mile radius of my dad. One used to visit every week and would sort out car maintenance etc the other was a complete waste of space despite him being semi retired with no children living at home. He turned up when my dad was taken into hospital (and passed away 6 days later) to basically try to get my dad to sell him his car for £250! Absolutely disgusting behaviour. I then heard from him every week to ask if the sale had gone through on my dad's property and once he got his third I've amazingly never heard from him again! No back story, no ND...I've had to accept that even tho you are related this doesn't mean you are wired the same.

You cant change your sibling. Focus on your mum not what one sibling isn't doing.
Its up to them.

I'm so sorry to hear about your parent OP, and hope that they pull through.

I'm also sorry to hear about your brother's insensitivity. Can I ask, does he keep in touch with your parent regularly under normal circumstances? If not, although it seems terrible to people like you and me, who clearly love our parents, it sounds like since moving abroad, he has disconnected from family life. Sadly some people move abroad simply because they don't like their family for whatever reason, and with people like this there is no reasoning.

In your shoes, I would ring him to reassure myself that he knows how serious it is, regardless of the time difference, and then forget about him, unless he says that he didn't receive your message, and sounds extremely concerned for your parent, in which case you can continue to update him, but otherwise leave him to it, as and when your parent does pass, he will have to deal with his own guilt, or not, depending on what sort of person he is deep down.

Sending you a hug, and the courage to cope if the worst should happen.

I am living 6 hours away from my dad and my sister 5 mins away. My dad is not well and undergoing tests. My sister doesn’t answer or seem to care.

but I know she does. Just doesn’t want to think about dad being ill. When mum died she got angry and upset so didn’t really speak about it.

That's a really good way to put it - not wired the same.

My dad and I had a chat over Christmas about what happens in the event of him dying or mum dying. If mum dies then he is coming to live with me - no ifs or buts. If he goes first then I need to move closer to her. They took care of me and now it's my job to take care of them if I am able.

My sister?

Would undoubtedly text me "Do I have to be there?" and would be present for the reading of the will and little else.

Totally wired differently. I have given up being angry at her. I just think her soul is made of dust. She is self-centred and has been all the time I have known her.

I have a DC exactly like this. Except DC was never like it before, and definitely hasn't been raised to be like that. DC "changed" about 2 years ago. Turns out DC is in an extremely controlling relationship and hindsight is a wonderful thing 😪 Just a thought OP. I hope things improve for you soon

He doesn't get on with parent that well but there isn't a massive back story.

I think he'd have responded if our other parent was ill tbh ( the one that mollycoddled) so maybe he isn't that bothered

He is being himself. He is receiving this news and reacting to it as himself. He feels differently to you.

What is it that you actually want him to do?

People process things at different rates including illness. You just be there for your parent and you have done what’s right for you. Don’t waste your mental space for ya brother. You can’t change him. Even “if” ASD then social ques missing however maybe he feels like he has a new life in a new country and doesn’t need his old life. Only exists in the current environment / lifestyle. Also, he might know that you 2 siblings will give him a hard time and he can’t handle it. I’d just follow up with an email and then you have tried 2 ways to contact him or contact one of his friends to pass the message on.

You do what’s best for you - as the saying goes can’t drag a horse to water. He’s not going to change at his age and if you hassle him it will only be a fake show so don’t.

Hope the family member gets better soon 🤞 - you have done your best / right thing for you and that’s all that matters (can’t control your brother)

When these crises happen, we want people to be with us, to be like us, in their reactions. It’s about solidarity and helps us feel less alone. When someone does not, it feels very personally challenging.

However the sibling is going through a different experience, that of being on the other side of the world and there being no real sensible response. They may feel stuck- trapped-in indecision about what to do, how to react. They may feel so detached because of distance they don’t know how to engage with the news. Time zones and local present responsibilities distract from a situation that’s a world away from them now.

It’s disappointing. But not entirely unexpected. The other side of the world can feel like an alternate reality.

I’m sorry to be blunt but does he definitely understand they are at risk of dying? I lost a close relative and looking back behaved inappropriately for the situation because I,
somehow (I really don’t know how, I didn’t let myself believe it I think) didn’t properly understand they were dying. It was no one’s responsibility to but I wish someone had said to me directly “they’re dying”.

That's awful, I'm sorry about your aunt.

You're right, some people are just like your sister and my brother, not that bothered if it doesn't affect them too much

I hate it when ND is blamed or seen as a possible cause for behaviour like this, ND people aren't inherently uncaring. This is just a shitty person thing, I'm so sorry your sibling is being like this, it just makes an already very difficult situation even worse

Maybe the news is just less important to the sibling than it is to the OP. Not everyone is close to their parents/family. He has the right to respond (or not) as he sees fit.

Wow. I just can't believe some people.

I'm sure my brother won't have any qualms about taking his inheritance when it comes to that, even though he's shown little concern

Out-of-sight, out-of-mind maybe!

@Trinkopl You mentioned stepparent. Is the one in hospital blood related to sibling?

He also probably doesn’t want to just whisk back home if no-one has died; he could be avoiding communication to avoid being guilt tripped into anything.

He barely keeps in touch so maybe I was expecting too much.

I know he'll definitely have seen the messages and I had thought to call again but I'm annoyed to be doing all the chasing and updating while he can't even reply or pick up the phone.

Parent is actually doing better now and hopefully past the worst thank God

My sibling is possibly ND, never diagnosed and is too old for the possibility of autism to have been noticed in his childhood. He is very caring though and would be the first to visit an ailing family member.

Glad to hear your parent has turned a corner, hooe all continues to go well.

Ill parent is blood related to us.

I wasn't expecting sibling to rush back, just show some form of concern or check in maybe?

Luckily parent is doing better now and isn't dying but we didn't think that a few days ago, things were quite serious. That was when I sent my update