To be so disappointed with uncaring sibling

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At weekend my parent was taking into critical care due to serious infection. Stepparent called to let me know and it sounded quite serious.

I'm the oldest and live four hours away. I came straight down.

Sibling 1 lives two hours away and also came down after call.

Sibling 2 lives abroad very far away so they would not be able to come but I called them on my way down to let them know situation and said I'd text them the latest as soon as I got to hospital.

I texted a long update rather than called due to the time difference, expecting that Sibling 2 would call or reply when they woke up. My update spoke about possible sepsis, kidney failure etc so was clear it was serious, not just a quick stop in a&e.

It's been 48 hours since my updates and had nothing from Sibling 2. No reply, no call. I thought maybe he'd lost phone or something similar but he's updated his Instagram stories with himself at gym. So he must have seen my message.

Not once has he asked how parent is doing.

Sibling 1 is outraged. So am I. This isn't the first example of this sort of behaviour from sibling 2, he is often very self absorbed and doesnt know how to behave in certain situations ie when a relative is seriously ill, you ask how they are.

He is in 30s but sometimes seems a lot younger, like an immature teenager. This lack of awareness of others also once got him sacked from a job, I won't go into specifics but he basically gave his opinions openly in a job setting where he shouldn't have. His honesty and candour was naive, inappropriate and indiscreet and he was sacked.

Some family members have floated neurodivergence to explain this behaviour and he himself proudly declares he's 'on the spectrum'. However, he's never been diagnosed and I wonder if it's just a cop out for him to behave inconsiderately?

I wonder if it's extreme immaturity and being so self absorbed? He was mollycoddled by my other parent (not one that is ill) and I don't think he's ever learnt how to properly 'adult'. He does live abroad now but his life is really all about him and he doesn't seem to show consideration or thought for others.

AIBU to be disgusted with sibling or is this some undiagnosed neurodivergence?

I think I may be running the risk of sounding a bit of a dickhead here but honestly, I wouldn’t be giving this any headspace. You already know who he is and so this must come as no surprise, you must also know he isn’t to be changed. I’m terribly sorry for your troubles, and it seems you’ve enough on your plate without worrying about a selfish knobber of a brother who lives on the other side of the world. Fuck him.

Thank you. I don't think my brother is ND having thought on it more. I think it's extreme emotional immaturity and self absorbedness which becomes more apparent in these more difficult situations

You're right. I need to just let it go. I think it's just really shocked me, even though I've seen him be self absorbed before. This feels next level

They honestly aren't. It doesn't make sense to us because we cannot imagine it. Thanks for your lovely wishes. I would rather not hear from my sister at all to be honest! Just texted my mum because I know she will be having trouble sleeping tonight. My sister... might text her tomorrow. I mean, wtactualf?

I already know how life will be when my parents will go - she'll do naff all - and to be honest, once they are both gone I don't see much reason to stay in touch with her. Sounds like I am the mean one now, right?!

Every family has someone who enrages them in these situations. Save your energy and anger. Concentrate on your parents and do what is right and appropriate for them. Support, love and care. As long as you can look back and say you did your very best for them, that is all that matters.

It just shows siblings don't always see things the same or get along. I can't imagine I'll see much of my brother if he stays abroad.

My DC is an only child. Sometimes I feel guilty about that but I'm not that close to my siblings really

BIL likes to seem like he cares, everything is just a ruse. When FIL passed away last year, he was talking about money no less than 24 hours later. DP was trying to sort out everything, he didn’t offer to help with that, just kept talking about the money in accounts, the will etc. the worst bit is FIL would have probably still been alive for a bit longer if it wasn’t for him. He’d turned up just before Christmas to see him as he was essentially nearing the end, didn’t tell us till after he had a cold flu, FIL caught it, it’s ruined his last Christmas and essentially moved forward his heart failure.
i was more of a daughter than he was a son, I knew more about him. He then got upset because my dc had more of a relationship with FIL than his dc, I mean they are considerably younger. My dc are 18 & 13 and his are 10 & 5. It’s his own fault, the only time he went round was when he needed money. He lives 1.5 hours away where we live 4 hours away and still managed to get there 4 times a year.
he then got annoyed because I’d seen the video footage of the moment FIL died. We had a ring in his room as he had carers in and out. DP had gone down the day before to sort some stuff out and had woken to find him gone. Whilst DP was gathering himself I offered to check when it happened so he could find it quickly to give to the relevant people. I’d rather of not see him take his last breath but unfortunately DP was in no state to try and pinpoint it.
bil posts on anniversary’s and birthdays like he gave a shit. Maybe if he gave more a crap whilst FIL was alive he wouldn’t be an orphan as he keeps telling everyone 🥱

unfortunately there’s always someone in a family that makes things difficult.

You can't say there's no back story then say he doesn't get along with said aren't and if it was the other parent he would care more.

That's back story and you need to adjust your expectations with him giving this is how he has always been. Focus on your parent and I hope he/she fell better soon.

I wouldn't feel guilty about that at all - honestly sometimes (most times if I am honest) I wish I was.

It's weird because we are not bad friends, in that we don't hate one another, but if I met her in a bar or through mutual acquaintances she is the last person I would gravitate towards because she is unrelenting selfish.

So he has just messaged 'Thanks for letting me know, glad to have an update'

But then no further Qs or comments. Bearing in mind update is now 3 days old and situation has changed since then.

I complained to other non-ill parent last night about his lack of response and I reckon they have prompted him to reply and acknowledge.

I think that’s your answer, that he doesn’t really get on with them so why would he be bothered. Stop updating him unless he asks for further information.

As another poster said, that is a backstory.

They don’t really get on, he’s closer to the other parent and probably is less bothered than you.

Maybe he doesn’t really know what to say. His reply to you indicates for me that he’s been polite in his reply but he really doesn’t want to know anything but the basic update.
Surely that’s more honest than him faking deep concern because he feels like he has to.

I think you need to try not to measure his behaviour against your own as it sounds like you have different relationships with the parent.

OP chose your battles. You cannot force anyone to care.

Being related to someone does not always mean that you like and care about that person.

Rather than giving your sibling too much headspace I would focus on your own relationship with your parent.

Everyone is 'neurodiverse' when they act shitty and selfish aren't they?

Hi op unfortunately some siblings just don’t care or are too selfish but now you know his response when it happens for real you just don’t put too much effort in to letting him know he’s shown you his true colours and I’m sure people who are not normal are still bloody thoughtful I don’t know why people use these things as excuses some people are just self centred and will only ever care about themselves don’t lose sleep over this sibling he obviously didn’t over your parent.

Stop updating him. You and your other sibling concentrate on supporting your parent and leave the other one completely out of your thinking.

It's the only way i cope with my sibling who will only show up if they need somethinh.

My DB, who was the golden child, is like this. He's brilliant with his DW & DC. DP's are old & just hard work now. Where we live is not a fun place & no beach. He'll inherit anyway so why bother?

DP's had a wake up call when DF had a serious accident & ended up in ICU for a week. DB called me to ask if DF was going to survive as he was busy & couldn't just visit. I was not surprised.

When my dad was in decline although I lived 10 mins from him I didn't visit any more than I would have previously. We weren't close, he was boarding neglectful when I was growing up, never showed any interest in me, my life or my kids, that was the way he was with me. My siblings had very much a different relationship so yes they put in more effort. I would not do things any differently.
In my opinion you get out what you put in, I put lots of effort into my kids and receive lots back.
I am not saying this is the case in your family but you and you siblings may feel entirely different about the circumstances.

The language you use about other aspects of his life - before this - strikes me as an outsider as being rather vicious & very judgmental. The impression it gives is that you really do not like him at all - that this is a long-standing dislike & contempt on your part - & are resentful of the attention he has received from one parent in the past. Do you think that is right?

I suspect what looks like a family background of resentment & dislike directed at him has likely fed into his (lack of) reaction and I wonder whether you are the right person to be updating him abour this. I would leave it to other sibling or other parent - maybe part of the issue is that he just does not like contacting you. (The fact that your updates suggest he may have been in contact with other parent would be consistent with this.)

I also think it eould be self-indulgent to waste your time bring ‘disgusted’ with him - it rather sounds as though there has been too much disgust already in your family. I would focus on supporting your ill parent - whose life will really not be enhanced by your showing disgust for your sibling, or creating any family dissent at a very distressing time.

I have recently discovered my siblings don't understand medical terms and have no idea of how serious something is. Its very frustrating to have to spell everything out, like they were children, but it had helped.

Some kids grow up and they just ain't close to the parents.
Its not hate its that they dont have them feelings like the other siblings do.

I dont have that any feelings for either of my parents or 3 of my siblings, I dont hate them i just never fitted in.
I was an outsider to them and the older i got the more I saw it with them.

No Hate there just not important to me, as I have never felt I was to them.
Only time siblings and parents wanted to know me was when something went wrong or they wanted something.
So I cut them off.