Post partum rage or am I just a dick?

[Motherduck102731]

Please be gentle with me, I need a bit of a hand hold as I feel horrendous already.

Ever since having my baby, I’ve developed an uncontrollable rage. My partner describes it as me going from zero to one hundred in seconds.

This rage usually stems from unmet needs for more help around the house and with the baby. I also struggle to recognise my own exhaustion. My partner does a lot, but there’s still much more he could be doing. Honestly, I don’t recognise myself anymore. His reactions, comments and defensiveness, or lack of understanding why I’m annoyed, tend to make things worse. I’m so embarrassed to admit it, but I end up swearing at him or telling him to leave.

Anyway, my blood actually feels like it’s boiling when I’m angry. I’m hot, my head is on fire and I get headaches afterwards. The end result is usually me bursting into tears. If there are things around me, I feel like I want to scream and throw them. I feel like I’m going crazy.

I personally feel my anger is justified, but these massive explosions are not.

He has started making little comments about me having anger issues and I’ve tried to explain I think I’ve got post partum rage as I’m normally able to control myself but am I being unreasonable and just making excuses?

How old is your baby? Are you screaming abuse at other people or just your partner? The way you’re behaving is completely unacceptable so urgently seek help, you clearly have got major anger issues and it’s not an excuse or justification for the way you’re going on. Talk to your GP asap but even if they say it’s postpartum rage as you call it you can’t abuse your partner with impunity.

I feel for you OP. I am the same atm but currently pregnant. I described myself like a monster. I went from 0-100 so quick and snapped so fast. I felt awful. I still do.

I've spoke to midwife for talking therapies but now, i just remove myself. E.g. if I feel even a little anger I go for a walk. Go upstairs etc. And communicated this to my partner and said do not even make little comments as im very sensitive right now. That's the best advice I can offer at present. But I am worried how I will be when baby gets here. I hope the anger goes. I am vile and thing is I think same as you its justified. But because how horrid I felt after I just couldnt justify my anger so just walk away now.

Postpartum rage is a real thing, it's not "as you call it".

I agree that a GP appointment is needed though.

Whatever the cause, it sounds like you're not getting the support you need. Can anyone else besides your partner help out? Can you outsource anything to save either of you having to do any housework for a bit (ready meals or takeaways, ask family or neighbours to bring you food, get a cleaner?). Ideally, the first few weeks postpartum you should be able to focus entirely on yourself and the baby and your partner needs to step up and take care of the rest, either himself or with external help. You should definitely talk to your GP, but you also sound like you're feeling unsupported and need more practical help too

How old is your baby?

This is going to be a huge drip feed but in two minds about putting my public affairs out in the open.

whilst pregnant it unfolded my partner was having an inappropriate relationship with a female “friend” after asking it to go no contact, I found out this had not been respected. Also around 20 weeks I found out he has a gambling addiction. All of which is now no longer happening.

I’ve tried CBT but I haven’t found this very useful. I’m wondering whether talking therapy would be more beneficial. I don’t know what to do, I feel like at the moments of rage I absolutely hate him. But I also don’t want to not be with him.

7 months sorry

I had the same. DH was helpful in the beginning but got bored by month 3. I was boiling with rage with the unfairness of it all. It's so hard and overwhelming and to see DH live his old life was awful. I probably lost some hormones that made me want men at all costs as i was so focused on baby so I just could not forgive him.

That feeling has not gotten better. I'm less rage-y as my son is a toddler so I am getting more sleep and life is easier. But i have not forgiven DH and I still stand by all my outbursts of rage. They were totally justified. Life is unfair for women.

I don’t remember it being here at the very beginning, but it’s progressively gotten worse more recently I’d say at 5 months because we’ve gone back to not really sleeping much following 4 month regression and teething

Given your update, i think the lack of sleep is just making you less inclined to forgive absolutely unforgivable things he has done. You don't have the energy to play the cool wife.

Agree with this, you definitely need to speak with someone. It’s good you are recognising you need help, but it’s not acceptable to say “oh hormones so it’s not your fault” we can’t say this without then also saying “oh hormones” for other peoples unacceptable behaviour!

So he has cheated on you, has a gambling problem, continues to deceive you, doesn't "help out" 😬in his home or with his child, and has convinced you that you are the problem.

Nothing to be angry about there! Clearly therapy for you is the answer 😤

At 7 months this is unlikely to be just hormones.

There is very obviously something else going on behind the scenes but you’ve still got to do something about it for your own good (all of this is going to be terrible for your own health) but also your child’s- kids pick up on much more than you think and it can be quite damaging to witness rows, or explosive arguments at a young age. Not saying this to make you feel bad but to give you more motivation to get it under control. Whatever has happened in the past you can’t continue behaving like this for everyone’s sake.

I think you need to go and see your GP and also sign up for either some couple’s therapy or individual counselling. If you’ve decided to give the relationship a chance I think you have to really try to let go of what’s happened in the past and not use it to justify your own anger and behaviour. Equally though it may be that you’re not ready to do this in which case you may need more help, to do a trial separation or consider splitting up. But you need to work through the options and also find techniques to manage your own anger better.

not cheated as such but had a strange relationship with a female friend I was uncomfortable with, and asked for contact to be reduced which is was not and just hidden instead.

I think there’s two separate issues.

You’ve said you don’t recognise yourself anymore, so this really doesn’t sound like it’s a reasonable response to your husband, and for your own sake if nothing else, it needs dealing with.

Separate to that is your husband’s behaviour (the friendship, the gambling). These are legitimate issues in your marriage that need to be dealt with in some way (working through it, or divorce).

Well, that's a bunch of huge issues. Get rid 👍

Thank you and anyone who has given advice so far.
I’m usually very good with doing the right thing and knowing how to deal with things. But at the moment my head is just constantly scrambled. I will get in contact with my GP today to see if I can get a different form of therapy to see if this helps.

@Motherduck102731 you don’t have post partum rage. You have your partner is an absolute cock womble rage and it’s totally justified. I bet if the two of you split, your rage would abate… this is not on you at all. You don’t have anger issues, as he says, you have totally understandable fury. Don’t let him gaslight you.

It's not good behaviour from him but I think what your asking is not that but more what is going on with your temper/self control?
I noticed similar in myself, not quite as bad but v similar over the last year and it was disturbing me because I am normally very in control of my reactions. After months of worsening symptoms I got a GP appointment and asked for HRT (I also had some period changes, though nothing drastic, so thought it might be perimenopause).
I'm nearly at the end of my first 3 months and due for review so have been reflecting on whether it's helped and now I think of it, my out of control rage is gone!
That's exactly how I described it to the doctor too - rage.

All that to say, I definitely think hormones could be causing this. Are you breastfeeding? Or recently stopped? Periods returned? Maybe the pill or other hormonal contraception could help to stabilise you.

Not to be devil's advocate, but OP has said he had an inappropriate relationship with a female and asked for ties to be cut. The relationship may have been genuine and OPs mental health suffering therefore making her anxious and paranoid. Similar about the gambling. Did he have an actual genuine gambling issue or was it a one off disagreement. Addiction is hard to just put a stop to if it was genuine.

Compassion for OP. But also we've only heard OPs side and it's possible that her relationship with DP is breaking down due to her anxiety, paranoia and anger. Just offering a flip side.

I voted that op IBU, because what ever the reason she needs to get some help and support to process everything.

Because you haven't described any examples of the actual situations with your husband, it's hard to tell whether you were unreasonable or not.

But from experience, the tiredness and resentment that builds up during the first few months post-natal can definitely lead to some explosive reactions by the 6-7 months mark!
For my first child, I stopped my mat leave early and went back to work around that time for that reason.

It could unreasonable in terms of the intensity of your anger and how you react to it, but the reasons behind it could be absolutely valid.
And with sleep deprivation and general tiredness of caring for a new baby nights and days, it can be difficult to control.

What is certain is that it is not helpful. For you or you husband, or your child. So I would recommend trying to make time for yourself, to better understand your feelings, where they are (really) coming from, and how your husband/network can support you.

even without the hormones, lack of sleep , the 2 things you mention would send a Saint into a rage ….. you sound perfectly normal.
having a baby puts an incredible amount of stress on a woman, while the man’s life changes very little ( in comparison)
my dh was a complete hands on fabulous dad, my ex just swanned off to work.
your dh should be full of remorse and kissing your feet… there is a lot of anger for you to process …and your anger should be the least of his worries….. he has a lot of grovelling to do ,.. (and I am a very forgiving person)

It's not you, it's him. Don't gaslight yourself into thinking there's something wrong with you when he's being a dick.

Don’t blame yourself, by any measure you’ve been through a difficult time and you’ve recognised that you need help. That’s the main thing.

It’s unlikely to be baby hormones alone but there could be other medical reasons. For example could you be in peri-menopause? Or could you have something like an under-active thyroid, or glandular fever. All
of these could be contributing.

Or it could be that you need to make a plan to leave your partner. But you can do this with support.

I’m wondering if this is suppressed anger over what he’s done (or not done).

I’d be annoyed if I had hitched my wagon to a guy like you describe. You have a child so there’s always a connection to him now.

Perhaps counselling for you would help. Do you see your future with him? I would struggle to get past inappropriate friendships and gambling issues.