Post partum rage or am I just a dick?

[Motherduck102731]

Please be gentle with me, I need a bit of a hand hold as I feel horrendous already.

Ever since having my baby, I’ve developed an uncontrollable rage. My partner describes it as me going from zero to one hundred in seconds.

This rage usually stems from unmet needs for more help around the house and with the baby. I also struggle to recognise my own exhaustion. My partner does a lot, but there’s still much more he could be doing. Honestly, I don’t recognise myself anymore. His reactions, comments and defensiveness, or lack of understanding why I’m annoyed, tend to make things worse. I’m so embarrassed to admit it, but I end up swearing at him or telling him to leave.

Anyway, my blood actually feels like it’s boiling when I’m angry. I’m hot, my head is on fire and I get headaches afterwards. The end result is usually me bursting into tears. If there are things around me, I feel like I want to scream and throw them. I feel like I’m going crazy.

I personally feel my anger is justified, but these massive explosions are not.

He has started making little comments about me having anger issues and I’ve tried to explain I think I’ve got post partum rage as I’m normally able to control myself but am I being unreasonable and just making excuses?

I think your anger is entirely justified and don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. Post partum is horrific, and some men get away with murder.

@Motherduck102731, by all means seek therapy for your own sake but do bear in mind that you were let down by your partner at a very vulnerable time in your life. Love and money are probably the two biggest issues for humankind, and he has failed at both. I'm not surprised that the anger you were no doubt forced to suppress during pregnancy etc. is now finding an outlet.

What is your partner doing to sort out the crisis he has created in your shared life? How does the everyday look in your family, in terms of housework, childcare, money, socialising, laughter, connection?

Do you have this rage with anyone else or just your partner? Tbh given your updates I think you just hate your partner and he’s annoying you with everything he is (or isn’t doing).

I’ve had the same reaction during pregnancy and in menopause. Without citalopram I’d probably be like this again. However my DH has always been supportive. You sound confused whether you have a mental health problem or a relationship problem. Suggest start with GP.

I don't think it's PP rage. I think it's a massive build up of him betraying you during pregnancy.

I'd have the rage with someone who did that to me too.

Just my partner I’m pretty chilled and level headed around everyone else, I don’t experience any rage towards my baby at all. I find myself calm and patient with baby no matter how stressed I feel.

No one tells you how exhausting and emotionally overwhelming having a good baby is. 💐 You need a rest.
Speak to your GP.
I struggle with inner rage sometimes when I am due my period, it’s a horrible feeling.

unmet needs for more help around the house and with the baby.

whilst pregnant it unfolded my partner was having an inappropriate relationship with a female “friend” after asking it to go no contact, I found out this had not been respected. Also around 20 weeks I found out he has a gambling addiction.

You are not a dick and this is not PP rage.

Imo Your anger is a COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE to be completely blindsided, let down and betrayed by a man you thought you were building a life with.

And AFTER doing all that he has the fucking audacity to sit staring at sport on tv and let out a sigh when you ask him to pass you a nappy to change his child whose dirty nappy he ignored for 15 mins before you came.into the room or watch you struggle to x y and z or whatever the thing it is that make you scream at him.

I'd want to scream at him too!!!!

Def see a GP and access some support for yourself and start thinking about your future and what it could look like if he wasnt in it....
(My granny used to say she had never met a gambler.who brought good fortune to his door ie. They only bring misery)

sound like you are having a really tough time. Look after yourself...

💐💐💐

I think he’s been able to move on and get on with things now that he’s in a much better financial position. It’s almost as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. I, on the other hand, am finding my emotions impossible to control. To put this into context, in my previous relationship (there were no children involved, which understandably made things far less stressful), we never argued. I never felt rage or anger. We communicated openly and worked through issues together.

Now, I don’t feel heard at all, no matter how simply or calmly I try to express my views or frustrations. He is coming up to a year completely gamble-free. While our household responsibilities are technically shared, they are far from balanced. He cleans one room out of six, and the rest seems to fall solely on me, regardless of how often I explain that I need help or at least don’t want to be picking up after him. We share baby responsibilities, he cooks as much as I do, and in many other areas things are fine.

Financially, he currently covers the majority of expenses because I get SMP, I saved as much as I physically could after finding out about the gambling but it was too late to cover as much as I’d need given he is paying a lot of debts back, and it makes more sense for me to take as much maternity leave as possible, as nursery fees would cost us more. Socially, he has withdrawn somewhat but still tries to go out at least once a month. I make an effort to see my friends as often as I can, even if that means bringing the baby along. We do a lot together at weekends—walking the dog and similar things—but we spend very little meaningful time together as a couple. When we do, it’s usually organised by me.

Overall, I feel like I’m carrying the majority of the emotional and practical load.

The lazy gambling cheat is a poor excuse for a father and he honestly makes ME want to SCREAM!!!

Then there’s nothing wrong with you - it’s rage AT him not rage in general…..

In many ways, I think you've just arrived at possibly the most exhausting stage. The early months and the passive newborn stage are well and truly over, the excitement and the adrenaline are spent, and life is becoming more and more complicated. Plus there are these shocks caused by your husband. You have my entire sympathies.

My kids are in their teens now and family life is unbelievably easy by comparison (they cook, they clean, they're funny and great company and very independent). So there is that to look forward to.

But the truth is that, if it's any consolation, my husband and I also had huge conflicts along the way, some also money related, and went through some very dark and distant periods. I actually wonder if it's possible to avoid that? Life is just... a lot. We faltered and argued and had therapy and really, really hated each other at times, but are now in a place of genuine mutual appreciation and adoration. At 50ish! I'm not trying to say that we're somehow brilliant, we've both let each other down in fairly major ways, and we've arrived where we are now through a blend of sheer bloody minded endurance and angry confrontation. Plus luck? But somehow it's worked. Imperfection and resentment and anger can turn to something very different with time.

Could you find some space and time to talk together? Maybe facilitated by a therapist? I suspect it's really important that you get to tell him how his actions and choices are making you feel even now. Even if you've already told him in the past, because it doesn't seem that any of this is resolved.

Weirdly, I found Couples Therapy, on the BBC, unbelievably useful. Worth watching, if you manage to find the time!

But: "I also struggle to recognise my own exhaustion." I think that's a really important insight. The tiredness of a mother... It is so grim. Especially as you are basically expected to just ignore it and keep going. It will be making all of this so much harder. On a practical note, have you seen a GP yourself? Had your iron levels checked etc. Always worth doing!

This is very long, so I will stop here... Best of luck, OP.

I experienced rage after having my twins. Never suffered with it before and it completely consumes you. You are not being a dick. This is not simple anger it is totally different. I was actually given a low dose antidepressant and had some counselling, which did mute it slightly. At around 10-11 months it vanished and I finally felt like myself again.

A lot of it may stem from unmet needs and your nervous system being overstimulated so please try and make time for yourself.

What your partner has done is completely unacceptable. You need to make the choice on whether you want to forgive him before you can start working on yourself.

Please don't feel like you are choosing to feel and react this way because it is not a choice.
Sending hugs

Then I’d say your feelings towards your partner are the problem (well no he’s the problem). You probably haven’t forgiven him for hurting you and the fact he’s not doing a great deal is making you resent him even more. Did you stay with him for the baby or do you genuinely want to be with him?

This
OP, it sounds like what they called Postpartum Psychosis (in 1993 it definitely was called this) It was explained to Me, as I had it, its the severe form of Post Natal Depression . I realised I also had Pre Natal Depression as well at one point
Please see the Doctor as it sounds you are at least aware of your issues and if they are out of the normal range for You, these anger issues, I would definitely say PND
It will get better, OP, but it will take time .
Best of Luck love.

Oh I have read updates
I am not surprised you rage at Him