To move house after my sons finished his GCSE

[CF4]

I’m not sure if I’m posting in the right bit..
we are looking at moving 45 minutes away.

My 16 year old has kicked off and said he would rather live in a tent in the field instead of leaving his friends. My other children 13,12 & 10 are all happy to move.

We currently live in a rural area, which is no good for me and my disability. I need to move back to a town where everywhere is closer than a 20 minute drive. My son is 17 in October and can learn to drive then. Is there anything I can do to make this transition of moving easier. All the children are ASD. So I get change is hard.

I'm happy to pay for the train back for him to see his friends but its out the question I stay in this village. What would you do?

Sounds like you'll have to move, but how on earth did you end up living in an area that was no good for you in the first place? How long have you lived there?

Exactly what you are doing. Move, reassure the kiddo that he can still see his friends and book him some driving lessons.

He didn't choose to live rurally. I suggest you make do until he's 18 and then rethink.

Move now whilst the younger kids are young enough, and are happy to. Also you need to do it now before your 13yo starts GCSEs

My DS is a year older than yours and his independence has rocketed over the last 6 months. He will be fine. You have offered to help the transition. It will do him good to be in the city as well as enjoying the countryside

Why is moving in to the local town moving away from his friends? Surely will make his life easier

@Cadenza12 her second child is 13 so if she waits 2 years till her oldest is 18 that puts them at 15 and mid GCSE and it is very hard to move in year 10/11 due to exam board differences and what order they cover topics in. It would be completely unfair on that child.

I think it is right to move now when he has finished his exams. This is for the benefit of your health. He will make new friends at sixth form/college too. Right now this is all he has ever known which is why it feels overwhelming.

Move this year.

Move. I have AuDHD DD16 we just moved and you have to do plenty of conditioning with them. Reminding them of the upsides and the positives.

This.

he wii have finished his GCSE's, move this year before the timing becomes more complicated with school for the other 3.

he can sulk all he likes, but do what you need to.

Things that will help him keep in touch with his friends (if you can do them):
Moving to somewhere where he'll still be able to go to the same 6th form (or whatever he'll be doing for the next 2 years) as his friends.
Help with paying for driving lessons, practicing until he passes, getting a car and paying for insurance and possibly petrol.
Being somewhere his mates will want to come and visit (even if just staying over when the go on a night out) and enough room he can have them stay over.
Good Internet and mobile contract

But also remember - this is a transition age for a lot of kids. Many move on to bigger colleges, new things, different tastes, etc. His old friends seem hugely important now, but the next two years could be a complete shift for him even if you could stay.

Also this isn't the 1980s where he would ring a landline or write a letter it is 2026 with instant contact, facetime, gaming together online, sharing memes or whatever. Ds is at uni, such a different experience for him than it was for me and Dh when we went to uni.

They would need to stay until last child is 18.

He won’t last long in a tent 😉

Buy him.a tent, move to where you want, let him know he can join you at anytime.

Moving house can be a big change so you can talk through his emotions etc. what are his plans for after GCSEs? Mine has gone to a sixth form in a different town and made new friends. He doesn’t even really contact his secondary friends anymore.

ultimately you are the adult and making a decision that is right for you. The younger children need to be settled for transition to secondary and their own GCSE.

plus there will be more for them to do in town like clubs etc that they can catch the bus for.

don’t be held to ransom by one kid. Ask him what size tent he would like?

change is hard. Particularly for ND children there are additional challenges

I moved house every year as a kid due to MOD moves. Managed fine. Thought it was normal 😂 until I was 18 at uni.

I also wouldn’t give them
choice over the house either. You can show it to them as you don’t want them saying no to a house that is right for your family and price.

I think paying for his train fares, driving lessons and maybe a car is very generous of you and totally reasonable. Otherwise he could move in with a friend or get that tent ordered.

What are his plans after school? Will he be going to college or work or does his current school have sixth form?

His friends are likely to change or to spend more time in town soon anyway.

Given the other circumstances I don't think you have any choice. It's hard trying to balance the needs of so many people.

Ask him what sort of tent he'd like and let him know that you love him so much you'd be mortified if you bought him the wrong one.

I think you should stay where you are much more safer than the city especially for young boys it can be very dangerous too many gangs be very careful you could be putting your son in a danger zone especially at that age.

I think she’s talking about a move to a more connected town rather than a major city?

A teenager doesn’t get to dictate what the whole of the rest of the family does, OP. If the move is best for you, everyone else is on board and you’ve accommodated his exams and generously offered him solutions to the increased distance between him and his friends, he’s going to have to suck it up.

Unfortunately it’s a tricky age - 15-18 was, IME, the time when my kids were at their absolute most self-centred and difficult, entrenched in ridiculous notions of ‘unfairness’ and very invested in fitting in and maintaining their friendship groups at all costs. Also ND involved, which exacerbates everything. But the phase does pass, and neither of mine have kept in close contact with more than 1 or 2 of their year 11 mates. They made new friends in 6th form, at uni and at work, and have mercifully grown out of the self-absorption and moodiness!

You’ll probably have a bit of a rocky time for a while if he doesn’t want to go, but you just need to push on through for your own sake. He’ll get over it.

Key to this are what his plans are after GCSEs. As PPs have said, it’s a transition age. New friendships are formed in sixth form option groups or at college.

If he isn’t going on to FE he will be making new friends at work. But make it possible for him to keep up with his friends until the break occurs naturally.

I wish people on here would read the whole message before commenting..the OP said she needs to move for her Disability..not just because she wants too out of nowhere..people saying stay where you are or don't move for years of until youngest is 18 obviously do not have a Disability of know anyone that has one..
OP you move and your son will be fine..he can still meet up with his friend its not the black ages without technology,trains buses and as you said he will be driving soon..good luck with your move xx

I get that it’s upsetting for him but you don’t have any choice.

He probably doesn't realise that everything changes after GCSE's anyway. His friends will move onto a range of schools, colleges and apprentiships and friendships will change because of the different paths they will take. If you are rural there might even be some who move away to agricultural college etc.

I would continue as you plan. Move, but facilitate him visitng the area to socialise.

I'd suggest seriously listening to his concerns and what he worries he won't be able to do once you've moved. Actually address each concern.

For example, are there particular friends he is worried about not being able to see? Is "paying for the train fare" the full answer? If it means a 2 hour journey and he can only see them until 6pm, for example, then it clearly isn't.

I'd also point out the advantages of being in a well connected town - will he have more Post 16 options? More chance to find a job? Will his friends actually be keen to spend nights out with him, if there is more going on in the place you are moving to?

of course he doesn't want to move, he has ASD and is 16.
But that doens't mean you shouldn't move. It just means he needs a lot of support.
I have an autistic daughter, she needs months of emotional planning for big events like this.
As much information as possible, and as few unknowns as possible, but in the end he will cope.