DH overprotective over dd(11)

[steadythere]

DH and I are increasingly disagreeing over how much freedom dd(11) gets.

Examples such as when her friends go out, they normally get the bus home but he insists on picking her up or that he texts her regularly when she’s out for updates . He’s just generally really anxious and cautious over everything. Every-time she doesn’t reply immediately he thinks she’s in trouble, every time she’s slightly quiet he thinks somethings wrong with her.

She has been invited to go away with a friend in the Easter holidays (not abroad ), she really wants to go, I want her to but he’s said no. She’s been friends with this girl for years, we know her parents but he won’t even discuss it and says she too young to be that far away for so long.

He has a now adult dd (my dsd) who had a horrible time as a teenager, several traumatic events which she is still in therapy for. This is obviously a big part of why he is so overprotective and anxious over dd ( he is overprotective of dsd too but that’s a separate issue)

Am I being unreasonable and too relaxed? Or do I need to challenge him more?

Is she in Y6 or at secondary school? Somewhere around that transition he’s going to have to let her practice being more independent. The risk is she has to become secretive or deceptive to try and have a normal teenage life.

She’s Y7, will be 12 by Easter

I think you can meet in the middle. I wouldn't view it as "challenging" him, just discussing your individual concerns and finding a compromise. Explain your viewpoint and try to nudge him towards allowing her more independence. Maybe she takes the bus home with friends once, but he drops her off. You all sit down and agree that when she's out with friends, DH won't text unless it's urgent. Eleven is still fairly young so I would immediately assume his worrying is solely because of his experience with his other child. I think a lot of parents would give pause before allowing their 12 year old to holiday with another family alone, to be honest.

We’ve had a couple of children come away with us, twice when my children were in Primary and once when in Secondary. We’ve also had a number of their friends sleepover.

However, had it been the other way around and my children were asked to go away with their friend’s family, I would have said no. DD has stayed at others houses, but only when there’s a group of them staying - fortunately she hasn’t been asked yet, just her.

I simply don’t trust anyone enough to risk it.

Days out with friends are fine though, either with friends family or just going shopping together etc… they don’t seem to have a problem being picked up and generally contact us throughout without us asking anyway (usually for a money top-up!)
Now, they go to ‘teenage’ parties 😬, but so far, so good. Dropped off and collected - they ask for this.

Your DH is right to be cautious. Year 7 is young.

Why does he feel like his parenting opinion is more valid than yours?

Sounds like this is very much about more than this one situation, but I’d use this opportunity to discuss with him how you need to make joint decisions on things like this, it’s not in his gift to think he can make big decisions like this and not be open to discussing with you or coming to a compromise.

Well, whatever has happened to his other daughter is clearly steering his mindset. If something terrible and traumatic happened to her then it’s no wonder he wants to be extra vigilant over the other child to prevent something similar happening. It’s hard to know or judge without having the full picture.

The way I see it, it’s a parent’s job to keep their children safe at all costs. Your DH is doing his job.

It’s a parent’s job to raise their children to be functioning adults, to the extent possible.

Wrapping them up in cotton wool isn’t going to achieve this. Children need appropriate independence.

No it isn’t. It is a parents job to start the process of teaching their children how to keep themselves safe - by giving them the tools and confidence to move forward in life in a gradual and mature way. Giving them increasing levels of responsibility at a rate they and you are happy with.

And that will be different for different children based on many different factors and will be different for siblings

Add your DD voice and yours to the mix and move slowly but move.

It’s a balancing act. Give freedom within reason. For me,

• public transport with friends is fine
• going away with friend and adults for 4 days (non-school trip) is not

Each family has a different set of rules that they’re comfortable with.

I wouldn't let an 11 year old girl holiday with another family. He's not unreasonable at all on that one. So you do need to try and meet him in the middle a bit.

We don't let our 12 year old on public transport. Its steered by dH who has a friend who's son was stabbed on a bus and my nephew who was punched in the face on a bus and several local news stories of children being attacked on a bus. My argument is that millions of people get on buses and are fine, DH said any risk is too much when he can just get driven and picked up. So we have a rule that if one of us says no then we don't allow it.
The holiday thing, our child went on residentials at that age, PGL and summer camps. I am not sure about a family holiday, I feel that other people parent differently. But there are one or two people I would allow them to go with as I have known them for so long.
I dont think you are too strict. Better safe than sorry. If one of you says no then really you should back that person unless it is entirely unreasonable.

@steadythere i have an anxious parent who has a tendency to spiral and catastrophise and it is exhausting and awful.

He needs to manage his anxiety not her. He needs to work out a way of coping with it because it is his responsibility not hers.

She wants to go, you are happy for her to go, you know and trust the friend's parents.
She is going and that is final. Keep her passport with you so he can't hide it.
Let him stamp his feet and have a temper tantrum.

You know the parents & family? She will be with a good friend? They will be in the UK so you can go and get her if necessary?
12 is def not too young under these circumstances.
i have promised DD12 that she can bring a friend next time we go camping to a family festival we go to.
as for public transport - how do they get to/from secondary school?
XH is very protective and anxious about DD12 but he needs to learn to slowly give her more freedom as she needs to learn the independence and responsibility.

There may be reasons for his worries, but he's gonna have to let go of the reins, basically. His personal worries shouldn't stifle her life. Simple as that.

Has your husband had any therapy to help with the traumatic events he saw his eldest go through?

He needs to learn to be able to trust her. He can’t keep her wrapped in cotton wool forever. Her age now, is the right time to be allowed a bit more independence.

What will he do if your daughter was offered to chance to go abroad with school? Would he hold similar views?

She's 11. Its young. Its a wicked world out there.

At 11 your not well equipped to deal with situations that might arise either.
Slow down.Theres plenty of time.

Our job as parents is to bring up independent adults. If you trust these parents and it’s a low risk holiday (no rock climbing or surfing) then I’d tell him it’s an opportunity for her. I mean surely she has already done school residency trips?

The holiday is in the UK with adults OP has known for years. Their daughter will be at senior school this year, there’s got to be an appropriate level of freedom given to children to develop their independence.

How will she ever learn how to manage independence if she never has opportunities to?

OP as it’s a UK holiday could you suggest a compromise of her going for a few nights not the full holiday? It’s the fact he won’t discuss it that would be the issue for me.

Being too overprotective causes the child either to become secretive and take dangerous risks, or over anxious. He needs to find the middle ground between protecting and this.

What exactly are his concerns in each scenario.

He might need therapy to address his anxiety, this overprotectiveness could cause issues to your DD or lead her to being secretive which is dangerous.

My dh is an anxious parent, he didn’t allow his dd ( my sd) very much independence at all. What resulted was a young adult that had everything and every decision made for her and no friends because she had no life away from school. She went nc with him over two years ago and one
of the reasons being was that she felt he wouldn’t let her grow up properly. Her bm was even more anxious and as a teenager she did nothing and no autonomy over anything. I remember being asked to collect her once as I was passing and all her friends were off to Macdonalds, she was so sad and there was no reason why at 14 she couldn’t have gone with them.
she became very secretive and hid a lot of stuff that put her in danger, had she been allowed more freedom that may not have happened

There needs to be a balance, the family holiday maybe not but getting the bus to school with peers is what most high school kids are doing and expected to do

He really needs help to manage his anxiety. Whilst it’s understandable given past events, that doesn’t make it normal. He cant stop her growing up.

I have an anxious parent and it’s still exhausting even now. I say this as a mother who has buried on of her children already. As much as I love all my DC and want to keep them safe I made a very conscious decision to ensure that my past experiences didn’t stop the others from experiencing the world. It would have been so easy to keep them close and never let them out of my sight but I don’t want that for them.

My dad was very overprotective of me, i was well behind the friends i did have near home. I became very isolated.

Example - my friends were allowed to the local town centre at the weekend (10 minute walk away). I wasnt and by the time I was allowed a couple of years later they were allowed the next town over.

I wasnt which confused me as I was allowed to take the bus to school which was only a couple of stops before. He got annoyed when i was in the house and not out with friends. But they were somewhere I wasnt allowed 😂

Then expected me to go out and hang out with 10 year olds in the estate when i was around 14. 🫣

He was also confused for a long time why I didnt have the confidence to do things as an adult. Like all of a sudden when i was 18 I could do everything.