DH overprotective over dd(11)

[steadythere]

DH and I are increasingly disagreeing over how much freedom dd(11) gets.

Examples such as when her friends go out, they normally get the bus home but he insists on picking her up or that he texts her regularly when she’s out for updates . He’s just generally really anxious and cautious over everything. Every-time she doesn’t reply immediately he thinks she’s in trouble, every time she’s slightly quiet he thinks somethings wrong with her.

She has been invited to go away with a friend in the Easter holidays (not abroad ), she really wants to go, I want her to but he’s said no. She’s been friends with this girl for years, we know her parents but he won’t even discuss it and says she too young to be that far away for so long.

He has a now adult dd (my dsd) who had a horrible time as a teenager, several traumatic events which she is still in therapy for. This is obviously a big part of why he is so overprotective and anxious over dd ( he is overprotective of dsd too but that’s a separate issue)

Am I being unreasonable and too relaxed? Or do I need to challenge him more?

I wouldn't let my dad go a bus ride away with friy at 11 and certainly wouldn't let her go on holiday with another family. I don't think that's being overprotective. She is very independent in a lot of ways.

So you expect other parents to trust you but you don't trust them.....?

If I knew the family well I would let my 11 year old go away with them.

My daughter has just started year 7 and I think it’s important to let them grow their independence. I had really strict parents who didn’t let me do what my friends were allowed. Ultimately it just meant that I kept a lot of secrets as I became an older teen and assumed I wasn’t allowed to do what I wanted to do so pretended I was doing other things. I don’t think keeping preteens and teens under lock and key will ultimately keep them safer, they need a gradual introduction to life to be able to manage what life throws at them.

Your DH needs to get help for his anxiety. However understandable his fears are, he has no right to stifle the development of his dd because of them.
I would for sure, want to put a stop to all the texting when she is out with friends etc.
But, having said that, I don't think I'd let my 11 year old go away with a friend's family unless I knew them really, really well myself. Not everyone is what they seem from the outside and even knowing them for years isn't a guarantee but it gives you more opportunity to make a judgement.
And especially as your dd hasn't been allowed much freedom up to now. She may not be a very good judge of people or situations if she is never allowed to make those decisions for herself.
First, I'd work on allowing her more freedom to go out with friends without the overbearing suffocation. Don't let him contact her. Let her get the bus home. Basically. let her grow up in a normal way.

No. We invited as our kids asked. The parents could have said no. Tbh, I was surprised they said yes. One kid was only 7 and then again when 8. The other was 12. But accepting the invite or not was totally up to them.

He was also confused for a long time why I didnt have the confidence to do things as an adult. Like all of a sudden when i was 18 I could do everything

This is absolutely it, I remember going to uni with a few people who had clearly never had any independence or life experience at all, they were utterly out of their depth.

Either too anxious to do anything, unable to cope or went the complete other way and got into dangerous or stupid situations because all of a sudden nobody was watching and controlling their every move.

I know it's a different age category but I remember being 14 and my Mum giving me permission to go to concerts and to get the train to and from the city about an hour away on the proviso I went with a friend.

Every friend I asked their parents wouldn't let them, we had to be driven to the concert - often by my Mum who'd wanted to give me the independence to get the bloody train!!

Of my friends I was definitely the first to be fully independent. I'd go to London alone, went abroad on my own. A couple of friends slowly followed suit, one still hangs back and goes 'oh you know what I'm like, I'm hopeless, I'd get lost getting the train to the next town over!'

His worries don't trump your thoughts on this. I had a friend who's parents were so overprotective they pulled her out of school and she barely left the house until she was in her 20's. I'm not saying it would go to that extreme but he needs to find a middle ground and give her age appropriate independence.

I would discuss his concerns 2ith him and daughter and get an app to find location for peace of mind. He could be on stand by or even go the place they are going if a shopping mall and not let on he/you are going just have lunch and be around.

Don’t do this. It’s encouraging him to stalk his daughter and gives the message it’s ok. It really isn’t.