AIBU to refuse unsupervised playdates due to domestic abuse concerns?

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Me and my husband have known a couple for a long time (long before children). Our children are now primary school age.

The husband in the other couple is abusive to his wife. Controlling, verbally and at times physically. She has confided in us about this and we have offered support but she does not want to leave the relationship.

My issue is that I don’t feel comfortable for my child to go to their house without either me or her Dad.

My husband says he supports my decision but earlier today asked if I still felt the same way (implying it’s me who feels this way but he would be fine with it)

AIBU? It’s getting to the point where we can’t keep putting off offers of play dates without us there. I think at some point I need to explain, but wanted to make sure I’m not being completely unreasonable about this.

unfortunately these are the hidden consequences of people who refuse to leave abusive relationships and protect their children.

I definitely wouldn’t send my child unsupervised, but equally I might turn it into a ‘me’ reason rather than a ‘them’ reason.

So something like “John would love a play date but I’d rather be with one of us there for the moment. I know it sounds stupid when I know you so well, but I always get anxious about leaving him anywhere”.

I would be honest if it comes up. "Sheila given what I know about John, I'm not comfortable leaving Danny here without me in case he witnesses domestic abuse. I'm happy to continue to bring him over and have time with you to chat while the kids play though".

She has to face up the consequences of her poor decisions

What’s more important here? Your child’s safety and wellbeing or your friend potentially being offended?

No way would I send my child to a house where I know physical and verbal DV goes on.

Unfortunately these are the hidden consequences of people who abuse their wives and put their children in danger.

No YANBU. Please don’t worry about coming across as rude or anything like that. This isn’t a time for social niceties your priority is your own DC not this other persons feelings.

Are there times you know he won't be there? Eg straight after school and you pick up at 5:30, I know where we are it's very rare for both parents to be there for an after school playdate

If she has confided in you about her husband’s behaviour then I’d just be completely upfront with her, as @Bombinia has suggested above. In reality she already knows why you don’t want to send him.

I’d tell her the truth. 100%

Yanbu. I'd never leave my child somewhere I knew or even suspected domestic abuse was going on.

Tell her you appreciate her honesty in disclosing her situation but that you're not comfortable having playdates at hers due to dv concerns that now you know you have a duty to your son's wellbeing. You can say they are welcome to come to yours for a playeate or meet up to a third location like a playground..i wouldn't want to be in their home and see DV either so my third wheeling it isnt good enough either. Things can escalate quickly and traumatic to quickly whisk the child away with an angry scary dad.
There was a girl who was at a sleepover and the mum's ex killed the friend along with the daughters so children can come to harm by association. It is sad for the children living with it of course i empathise but your priority is your child. I hope social workers and school are aware.

I’d also tell her the truth. She has already told you that she lives in an abusive household so she shouldn’t be surprised that people don’t want to send their kids there. Maybe it will even be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and it will make her leave him.

I’d absolutely communicate it. It might be something she needs to hear! Bit of a repercussion. She is probably oblivious to the fact other people don’t see their family relationship as safe or positive. She’s holding on for the relationship she wanted to have, not the one she actually has. It might be helpful to know that no one is taken in by the facade.

YANBU but I think you need to be honest with her rather than inventing excuses.

I wouldn't have my children there at all if the husband was there

My DC wouldn't be in the house at all if her DH was there and I'd tell her why as well.

I wouldn’t have my kid there if the husband was there, another option is you have their kid to yours?

When you tell her, emphasize that her children are lovely and their friendship is great ir just unfortunately a ripple effect of the dv and that you hope she and the children are getting support and keeping safe. I think be honest but also kind however not at the price of your child's safety risking witnessing dv also it is awkward for her children and so embarrassing if another kid from school saw their domestic. I wouldnt even go when he isnt there its his house he can pop in anytime.

I really doubt he cares

Its stressful and cannot be guaranteed that he wont be there for sure. Something could happen and it will be the day he comes home early or whatever.

Someone who does this to his wite at any point has some serious issues. At a minimum you dont want to normalise this in front of your child as even his attitude towards her will be even more obvious when youre not there.

Why would you care about the adult's feelings? Your child's safety is all that matters, of course you can't send a child to a home you know to be unsafe

It might be the wake up call when she sees the wider impact

YANBU at all.