My birthday

[BingIsABrat]

Every single year I make a fuss out of my dhs birthday without fail. We’ve been together for 12 years, out of those 12 years I’d say he’s bothered with my birthday about 4 times and one of the times were because I made a point.

It’s my birthday next week and I already know it’s going to be the same. He has no money (I know this cos he showed me his bank account earlier) and he’s point blank said, don’t expect a surprise cos he hasn’t got me anything not even a card. He then went on to say the car we both bought for both of us (in July) was my birthday present, and the gifts he got me for Christmas (which I must say he only got me gifts for Christmas because again, I made a point) were for my birthday too🤣

Apperently I’m an adult so I don’t need a card or anything. Except this doesn’t ring true when it’s his mum or work mates etc.

AIBU to be annoyed yet again? I’m not being entitled or spoilt but I’d be happy with a card or a cheap bunch of flowers and I don’t even get that. He knows it comes around each year so not sure why it takes him as a surprise?

My best friend knows what hes like so she’s come through and ordered me stuff from the kids cos she knows he won’t and how upset I was last year.

For context , last year he bought me nothing , I was upset so he went round his mums and he gave him
some of her perfume to give to me . I only found this out because I saw the messages from her a few months later. My own family don’t bother with me in like the black sheep of the family so I’m lucky to even get a call from my mum or dad on my birthday let alone a card so I don’t know maybe it feels worse 😔

I don't know why you've accepted such low effort from him all these years. Might help to talk with a therapist and start to raise your self esteem because this isn't good enough. Do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't make any effort?

Well it is up to you what you are annoyed by personally it doesn't bother me but seems odd to be with someone of it did bother you i dont need anyone else to do anything fpr my birthday to me o decide what I do and organise something and do that with other people if I chose too

So you will be disappointed this year and it seems every year but do nothing about it and just wait?

You can’t speak for everyone if that suits you then fine no need for your unhelpful input but obviously the OP is upset that her DH can’t even make an effort for her. It’s more than just having a present it’s about being appreciated and thought of for one day in her life.

Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Christmas..,, can’t be happy affairs. Dad bent his usual thoughtless fool aimed squarely at mum (whereas he’s thoughtful to colleagues and his mum), and mum moping around crying.

Not a helpful comment. Her lazy, selfish H, does understand when it comes to his own mum, but doesn't bother for his own wife & the mother of his children.

So his mum would tell you off about not getting him any gifts? That's ridiculous. He sounds like a mummy's boy with a mum who thinks that he can do no wrong and that everything is your fault. That would really piss me off.

PIL always wanted to be at our home on all our birthdays. DCs' and DH's were all about them. Mine was all about them and everyone else, i.e. I was to make food, serve them all and clear up!. One birthday (mine) I told PILs that my DM and SF were coming for Christmas: All hell broke loose and I was told "You are not allowed to have your Mum and Stepfather here as it is our place to be here and we do not want to see them".

Lovely wasn't it.

And? Presumably you or your husband told your in-laws to not darken your doorway again @Wsiw71

If he is rubbish at gifts can you get him to do something else and just stop getting him gifts.
Then use the money you would have spent on him on yourself going forward.

For example on my birthday/ Mother’s Day I get my 16 year old to make me a cup of tea and then later he will make me a hot chocolate from his hot chocolate machine. We will also have a nice meal together. Eg something from M and S. Neither of my boys will get me a card/ present. This is pre agreed and I have reasons for this (I am overwhelmed with things as my house is overcrowded and my mum has recently passed away so I also need to sort out her house and all her things.)

we do this non gift buying as I don’t want to waste money as ultimately my sons money is from me and his part time job and he needs it for uni so it seems pointless (to me) him buying me things I probably won’t want.

So could you say to your partner forget gifts then if you haven’t got any money but you can cook me a nice meal/ clear up/ bring me drinks/ give me a massage.

Why do you buy him gifts? He's made it clear he doesn't think it's important

Does he spend his money on your children?

Even if it’s only you he doesn’t value, I’m not sure I could be with someone like this. Massive ick. Your best friend is very sweet to order things because he won’t but god, that’s sad and embarrassing isn’t it. You deserve better but deep down I suspect you don’t think you are worth more to others. And he preys on that and uses it to his advantage.You lol at lot in this post, but it obviously hurts you. He’s grinding away at your self worth.

Do it this year, no card, present, cake, do nothing.

Why not though, we only get one life, why not have as many fun and special days as possible?

He sounds like a complete cocklodging arsehole. It’s not about the presents, so it’s no good saying “he’s alright other than this present issue”. His friends and family are good enough for presents, why aren’t you? His friends and family’s feelings matter, why don’t yours? His friends and family’s happiness is worth saving up for, why aren’t you? And paying for your own presents at Christmas is just shit. Sorry. This is not just a presents issue- he has no respect for you and doesn’t care about your feelings. No doubt if you get upset he’d eye roll and sulk and blame you somehow.

Treat yourself to something you’ve wanted for ages…bugger the cost…treat yourself, you deserve it!

Happy birthday for next week.

What pisses me off regarding birthdays and other celebrations and people saying you're an adult, why celebrate, why bother, why whatever, this is an important day for you, you celebrate, you want a card and gift and that's normal. Why shouldn't you celebrate it doesn't just all stop when you reach 18.

This is why there's so many people in this world who don't mark celebrations because that's how they were raised, parents who didn't show their kids when young that you mark the special days in their lives. Why should you have to buy your own present? Why should you book those awful spa days and buy your own clothes, just to sit there on your own feeling crap that you had to buy and organise it yourself, or sit watching TV in your new clothes, or maybe if you're feeling confident you can go to a restaurant or pub in your newly bought clothes that you bought on your own.

I don't believe when people think this is normal !

He knows the date of your birthday, he should put by whatever amount to get something, it doesn't have to be much money wise.

A divorce lawyer!

Aw YADNBU! Have you explained that it upsets you (as it would anyone!) and asked if he can just get a cheap but pretty bunch of flowers, a box of Milk tray (or equivalent small food treat) and a card?