My birthday

[BingIsABrat]

Every single year I make a fuss out of my dhs birthday without fail. We’ve been together for 12 years, out of those 12 years I’d say he’s bothered with my birthday about 4 times and one of the times were because I made a point.

It’s my birthday next week and I already know it’s going to be the same. He has no money (I know this cos he showed me his bank account earlier) and he’s point blank said, don’t expect a surprise cos he hasn’t got me anything not even a card. He then went on to say the car we both bought for both of us (in July) was my birthday present, and the gifts he got me for Christmas (which I must say he only got me gifts for Christmas because again, I made a point) were for my birthday too🤣

Apperently I’m an adult so I don’t need a card or anything. Except this doesn’t ring true when it’s his mum or work mates etc.

AIBU to be annoyed yet again? I’m not being entitled or spoilt but I’d be happy with a card or a cheap bunch of flowers and I don’t even get that. He knows it comes around each year so not sure why it takes him as a surprise?

My best friend knows what hes like so she’s come through and ordered me stuff from the kids cos she knows he won’t and how upset I was last year.

For context , last year he bought me nothing , I was upset so he went round his mums and he gave him
some of her perfume to give to me . I only found this out because I saw the messages from her a few months later. My own family don’t bother with me in like the black sheep of the family so I’m lucky to even get a call from my mum or dad on my birthday let alone a card so I don’t know maybe it feels worse 😔

Buy yourself a nice gift, from you to you, and open it at breakfast.
Ignore any negative bullshit from him.
Then have a lovely day with your kids, make sure you all have birthday cake.

And don’t forget how he made you feel when it’s his birthday.

What is he teaching your children about how to treat their partner? Won’t the kids be confused when you open the presents from them that they have no knowledge of?

Raise the bar. For all your sakes.

Honestly, he doesn't sound like a nice person. This is pretty selfish behaviour. I suggest that you take the money you'd have spent on his next birthday and spend it on something for yourself. When his rolls round, you can get him a bar of chocolate and a card or similar.

Seriously though, if someone is refusing to listen to your perfectly normal feelings and dismissing them in this way I would be questioning very strongly if I wanted to be in a relationship with that person.

DH is bad at gift-choosing and I am the previous recipient of a number of things I didn't want and wouldn't have chosen - however they were genuinely gifts eg a horrible jumper that I had to take back and swap, not a household appliance that we needed anyway. But what he does is ask me for a list (I always have lots of things I'd like to have but wouldn't necessarily spend the money on myself) so I get a present which isn't a total surprise but is something I genuinely want. Christmas it was expensive perfume, my birthday was getting some pictures framed for me which was also expensive plus a bit of a faff so it was really nice for me that he put the effort in. And he takes me out for a lovely meal on my birthday etc.

Your husband doesn't care what you want and isn't prepared to put any effort or any money into it. It doesn't have to be loads of money - when we were younger and poorer we didn't spend a lot on each other but we did try to get things that each other would like and enjoy. Nobody is going to enjoy an ironing board. Honestly, a takeaway and a bunch of flowers from the supermarket requires almost zero effort and would be a kinder thought than what he has done.

No my friend got in touch with my daughter and asked her to pick stuff for my birthday and then whatever she picked from her and her brothers she paid for to get it delivered to my house

How old are your kids?

They are 9 13 and 4

Your gift to yourself should be ending it for your sake and your kids. It’s the fact that he is thoughtful to work colleagues and his mum, but not you that’s particularly crap!

So they will see he’s a thoughtless twat who makes their mum unhappy. Year after year.

No one can do a thread about their birthday without someone coming along and commenting that adults shouldn’t want to celebrate their birthday 😴

I love celebrating mine! OP you deserve better.

I get why others are saying you should match his energy and not bother on his birthday. I agree. But it doesn’t make your birthday being ignored any better. It’s lovely that you have such a thoughtful friend- bless her. As someone else has suggested, don’t rely on your husband and just treat yourself on your birthday. A lovely spa day or meal out.

Well I hope they get their caring ways that I have! I go all out for everyone’s birthday.. more fool me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve never been spoiled so to speak. As a child I’d get one present which was better than nothing. Then I’d see my sister get about 6 , so this is why I’m so precious about my birthday. He knows this 😔

im not even thinking about him on my birthday anymore, or his for that matter.

Yes but they see how unhappy and taken advantage you are too

You dont sound happy op.
Or you would have laughed it off 10 years ago accepted it and just organized your own special days the past 10+ years. Not been in tears.

Are you sure he'd sulk though? Because tbh carrying on buying him birthday presents every year when he says he didn't want them and doesn't buy you one sounds a bit like martyrdom tbh. I get it - you want to be in a relationship where you give presents to the person you love on their birthday. I would too. But he is clearly not that man. Either leave him or accept that you don't give each other birthday presents.

I really dispair that there are so many posts like this. How do you allow this to go on for 12 years and still be annoyed. Year 1, you either set boundaries or go separately. He clearly does not appreciate you or want to recognise you at all. Bare flipping minimum.

Sadly I think it’s the “any man is better than no man” mentality

I would -
stop getting him anything , if he moans to his mum say you have both agreed not to get each other anything.
save the money you would have spent on him and do something nice or treat yourself on your birthday. On Mother’s Day do a nice breakfast for you and kids book yourself a massage or similar..
Make those days about you and don’t waste your energy on him

Well that's because his birthday isn't another ordinary day! And his partner does everything to make "his day" special. He is just another special man?

because it's fun and people are allowed to want a mild fuss to be made of them once a year? 🙄

Great contribution to the thread 👏 We've solved it, people!

This happened to me one year on my birthday. I didn’t get a cake or a present. No balloons or
anything and obviously no singing as I hadn’t got a cake. Up until that point I had made sure he had all of those things. When I pointed it out to him (whilst crying) he said that he never asked for any of those things - I was pretty sure he had but waited it out. Low and behold the following year he put in a request for a cake (I am a good baker but I do buy shop cakes and am happy to receive shop bought cakes) and he had a birthday list. Don’t end up like me, I now buy the absolute minimum I can get away with buying for him (ironically he now is very generous, I think he knows I don’t care anymore and tries to fix it - he can’t, I’m emotionally checked out). I did write a post in here and got a lot of people telling me an adult shouldn’t need anything and how they don’t even acknowledge their birthdays blah blah….as far as I’m concerned if you’re doing it for him and he’s accepting it and he can do it for others then the only reason he isn’t doing it for you is because he doesn’t want to. Just like mine didn’t want to. I wasn’t worth the time, effort or money. That’s fine but now I hate him and will not have sex with him or listen to him talk about anything he wants to, I’m dismissive because I have no feelings for him so he’s stuck in a loveless relationship, I hope it was worth it to him.

@Lamentingalways

so he’s stuck in a loveless relationship,

but so are you. You say you “hate him”

What a way to live

Thanks for that. Really helpful.

And the cycle will continue. Your sons will think this is how you treat women and your daughters will think its ok to be treat like shit by there partners as this is the norm they have grown up with.

Christ on a bike @BingIsABrat your bar is low. You have a shit husband because your parents treated you like shit (still do) and you never learned that you deserve better. Much better. You do. Please use this birthday to re-evaluate your life, what you want out of it and make a plan to get it. Please. 🩷