The adult child parent relationship

[TheGrinchWasHere]

For those of you who don’t have toxic parents and are still in contact:

• how far away from your parents do you live
• how old are they and are they in good health
• how often do you see your parents
• what is the nature of the visit eg is it a quick pop in or do you do ‘stuff’ with them
• do you consider your parents as your ‘friends’
• do you feel any guilt or pressure to do ‘more’ with them or for them?

Three out of four of me and dhs parents are now dead. Only my dad alive who lives with my stepmum -

How far away from your parents do you live - 10 min drive

How old are they and are they in good health - Dad's 71, stepmum 65 this year, he's got some health issues that are under control.

How often do you see your parents - varies, sometimes could go a couple months depending how busy we are, holidays etc. Can be more regular.

What is the nature of the visit eg is it a quick pop in or do you do ‘stuff’ with them - pop in, family celebrations etc. Don't really do anything like lunches, dinners etc other than to celebrate. They have a really busy social life.

Do you consider your parents as your ‘friends’ No

Do you feel any guilt or pressure to do ‘more’ with them or for them? No

Not my friends no. I don't like my step.dad much. I live close enough to see my mum once a week usually he is out, sometimes i help her with making appointments or whatever. Which i don't mind i don't feel any pressure because she struggles with some things i don't mind helping her out,

They are mid 70s their health is ok Sd does have an illness his Dc deal with his appointments.

They both live 2 miles away (they're divorced). I see my mum maybe twice a month, we usually go for lunch and do some shopping in the city centre. Occasionally she'll come to my house.

I see my dad 2-3 times per week. He'll come and walk the dog twice a week and then we'll have a quick cuppa. I usually go to his one or two Saturdays a month for lunch, the (adult) kids will come with me if they're not working or don't have plans.

Both my parents are in their late 60s. I don't feel pressure to see them (well maybe a little from my mum, but I ignore it), but I do worry about not seeing them enough now they're older and their health is not as good as it was.

Do I see them as "friends"? I guess, they're my parents but we also talk like friends would and do things together like friends would, so I suppose I do.

why do you see your dad so much more than your mum

my parents are still married so not relevant to my situation but interested because 2 to 3 times a week seems a lot more than most people

Both my DP are alive. They live 2 hours drive away.

Mid 60s. Reasonable health. Usual ailments like high blood pressure, DM has some kidney stones at the moment. But nothing that stops them getting about.

We see them monthly or thereabouts. Because of the distance, it's usually a weekend/few days, and we'll do something as part of that.

No, they aren't my friends. We're close and very open, but it's a different relationship.

I feel bad that DM especially has a lot of family burdens to carry, and the distance means I can't help as much as I'd like to. However, there's no guilt or pressure from her - and she'd be cross if she thought I'd changed plans or was putting my life on hold to help out.

How far - 5 minute walk
Age - Dad is 55 and Stepmum is 51, good health
How often do I see them - Every other day on average
Nature of the visit - sometimes just to pop in, they provide some childcare, we do stuff together all of the time (meals and days out etc, both with my DC and without)
I wouldn’t consider them ‘friends’, they’re my parents, but I am very close to them
No guilt or pressure

(For clarity my stepmum has been in my life for over twenty years and I have no contact with my biological mum)

My mum lived 2 mins walk away. I see her quite a lot and she looks after my DS3 on a Monday. We pop into each other for coffee, sometimes cook for each other. I love my Mum dearly she is a good person but we are fundamentally very different, she get stressed easily and can be quite passive aggressive / difficult with it, she cant cope with much. My DS in particu

He's easier to be around. Doesn't put emotional demands on me like my mum does. (Although, she's not as bad now as she used to be). He's also always been the constant in mine and my sister's lives. It was my mum who left (I was 17, sister was 13). She was flaky and emotionally demanding after she left.

She's still with the man she left my dad for. And although I get on with him, I really don't like him. So I tend to not visit her house very often. My dad still lives in our childhood home, so it's like going home when I go to see him.

There's also the factor of my dad living alone. Although he's very active and relatively fit, I worry about him on his own.

I live ten minutes up the road from them. See them once or twice a week on average, usually just a quick call in to say hi, sometimes go for tea, sometimes go out to the shops or pub. They're 65 and 70, very good health. I think of them as my parents, it's a different relationship to a friendship. I do plenty with them and they don't need me to do anything for them except occasionally pet sit.

Mid 60s, good health, live 3 hours away. See them every school holiday and occasional weekends in between. Love them, they're the best.

Can l do it the other way around? Im 67 . Two daughters age 41 and 33.. live a 15 min walk from me. See each other about 3 times a week. Got shopping together.. they come with me to appointments etc. I go for meals. Very close family.

Thanks for all the replies. Keep them coming.

It’s useful for me to hear the different dynamics. I’ll give more info when I can read some more. There is no drama and I suspect a lot of my situation is in my head and pressure I put on myself.

Opposite side here.
We are approaching 80 in good health
yes we are friends
see DD about once every two weeks, stays a whole day, lives 25 miles but does not drive
Sons live 40 miles see them in school holidays and sometimes more. The come without DiLs. Though we see the divorced DiL separately.
They willingly help us with things we struggle with.
We have never put any pressure on them to visit, unlike our own parents used to.

A few villages, approx 12 mins drive.

They moved here from the other side of the country to be near me when I had kids, and my mum had them when I was working.

See them once or twice a week currently.
Almost always share a Sunday evening roast with them, alternating at theirs or mine.
Plus I'll often pop over for a couple of hours once a week.

Not a caring relationship atm, but they are nearly 80 and I can see that coming.

I live a 10 minute drive from my parents. I speak to them every day and see them a few times a week. Sometimes just nip round for a brew other times do stuff with them. No guilt but they’re great they help with the dog, kids etc.

DF passed away almost 5 years ago.
DM lives about a mile and a half from me.
We speak in the phone a few times a week and I spend every Saturday with her. I pick her up, take her food shopping, then she likes a wander round the shops. We end the day with lunch out then back to hers for a cuppa and a chat.
I work full time so my house is suffering but DM won’t be around forever.

How far away from your parents do you live

20 min drive

How old are they and are they in good health

59, some medical issues but generally fine

How often do you see your parents

Average once a week, it does vary though

What is the nature of the visit eg is it a quick pop in or do you do ‘stuff’ with them

I don't go to her house (traumatic childhood) so she always comes to me or we meet out. She will come for meals, just for a brew, sometimes stays over. We also do weekends away, holidays etc occasionally.

Do you consider your parents as your ‘friends’

Well no, she's my mum. I don't talk to her about the same things I talk about with my friends, and I don't ask her advice or seek support from her (childhood related I guess). I enjoy her company though.

Do you feel any guilt or pressure to do ‘more’ with them or for them?

Not really. If she wants more from me she can ask? I do a fair bit for her.

• how far away from your parents do you live: An hour and my mum cried for a week when I left home (very close and I'm the eldest and first to leave)
• how old are they and are they in good health: 60 and 62 very active and in good health.
• how often do you see your parents: weekly as they provide childcare once a week but then often a day at the weekend too
• what is the nature of the visit eg is it a quick pop in or do you do ‘stuff’ with them: day trips out, days spent at either home
• do you consider your parents as your ‘friends’ my mum definitely we speak at least once a day my dad is definitely also a great dad and grandad but we aren't as close I would say.
• do you feel any guilt or pressure to do ‘more’ with them or for them? No as we have good boundaries and are open enough to say when we've had enough of each other 🤣

• how far away from your parents do you live

about 5 min drive

• how old are they and are they in good health

mid 70s, very active and in good health

• how often do you see your parents

they travel several months of the year but when home I see them anywhere between once a week to daily

• what is the nature of the visit eg is it a quick pop in or do you do ‘stuff’ with them

combination of quick pop in, usually dinner in together or going out, they pop in to my place as well, mum and I might go for a walk or coffee, we usually do a weekend trip or two a year,

• do you consider your parents as your ‘friends’

no, I love and respect them but they aren’t my friends. We have a great relationship but they are my parents and are treated as such.

• do you feel any guilt or pressure to do ‘more’ with them or for them?

On the whole no, very rarely I will be asked to do something for them that is inconvenient for me and I really would rather say no but it’s a give and take relationship and they do things for me too that help me (meeting a trade while I’m at work, collecting a parcel) so I do it anyway. it’s a healthy respectful relationship, so guilt and pressure doesn’t play a part.

I live about 5 minutes drive from my parents.

My parents are late 60's and in generally good health. My Mum has some issues with Mortons syndrome and a liver cyst (thankfully the latter isn't too serious). My Dad was diagnosed with angina over 20 years ago but manages this as he has kept active.

I usually see my parents at least once or twice a week.

My parents look after my 2 daughters on a Tuesday evening so I can do a hobby and also visit us on a Sunday, sometimes we go to their house. We see them on birthdays and at Christmas.

Depends, sometimes I can talk to them as an equal and other times I still feel a "parent-child" relationship.

Not now, but I worry for the future as they get older and could be relying on me more to do things.

Well, I see my adult kids regularly, and my adult grandkids a lot. I don’t want them to do anything practical for me.

But, I don’t mind disrupting my life fitting them in to visit me. All good. 👍

My Dad passed some years ago. My mum is hard work. She lives 15m drive in the next town. I see her maybe twice a month, she comes to my house. She does not like to do the same things as me and would see going for lunch or a coffee together as a waste of money. She will call on weekends we don't see each other and will talk about herself for an hour or more. She is mid 60s, still working and in good physical health. I don't see her as a friend, but she's OK in short bursts.

My dh's parents are great. They are a bit older than mine, in their early 70s and retired. They live 5 minutes drive. We see them maybe three or four times a month. Sometimes we go for Sunday lunch, or meet in the pub on an afternoon for a drink. They may come over for dinner and a game of cards and listen to old vinyls. My dh helps them out with jobs in their house and garden, and fil helps him with any work in his car. We have done a few holidays together and are planning another this year with our adult dcs. Yes, I would say we are friends

You are all so lucky living so close to your parents. Mine are an 8 hour drive or 5.5 hour train journey away. See them 3-4 times a year in person as they are in 70s/80s, aren’t well enough to travel to us and I have a very young DC, so it’s a big trip for us. Speak at least twice a week on FaceTime for a good 30 mins each time though.

My mum is 89 ….live 90 minutes away….see her for 3 nights every 2 weeks minimum…,love spending time with her…do her big shop…all her gardening …take her on days out ….got 3 AC ..,..see my DD 4 to 5 times a week ( lives 20 min walk from me)….see DS2 once a week ( lives 20 mins drive from me) …see DS1 around 4 times a year ( lives in Canada)
take my DM away for a couple of nights twice a year.
we have a big family holiday once a year with all AC and 3 GC
im 60

My mum and dad live a 10 min drive away, I'm close with my mum and we probably see each other 2-3 times a month, we tend to cook/play board games in the evening or go for a hike. We've got a pottery making class booked for the end of this month. We also go on holiday together once a year doing active stuff, we did Italy last year and planning Skye for this year. Then she might pop in occasionally to drop something off or I might pop to theirs to borrow the printer 🤣 I see my dad probably once a month, we are a lot less close. They are mid 70s and pretty healthy overall, they don't need much doing for them. Just occasional help with online stuff like setting up a new banking app or booking flights. They aren't my friends, they are my parents! I am expecting to need to do more for them as time goes on, which is absolutely fine. They have been good parents to me and very supportive. My mum however is one of the mostly fiercely independent people I know, so getting her to accept any help is going to be bloody difficult.... For example she had a lump on her breast and didn't tell anyone, just went to appointments on her own and then told us after the fact when she knew it wasn't cancer. When I would have happily taken her and supported her at appointments.