Yes lots of lovely posts. They make me feel like I am the problem 😳
I haven’t lived near my parents for 20 years (immigration). I was pretty much independent from the age of 18. We managed a visit every year or 18 months for a week or two. I feel like this distance has meant we don’t really know each other very well.
I don’t have kids but am married to my DH whose parents died many years ago.
My parents have recently moved within a reasonable distance of me (and much further away from my siblings who were previously close). My DF is 72 and my DM is 70. My DF has had some health issues over the last year but is on the mend. My DM is healthy.
Im feeling under pressure to spend time with them and whilst they haven’t said anything directly I can hear the hints and sarcasm. I drop in a few times a week and we go out to dinner every other week. My DH and I had very busy lives (intentionally created so because we’ve been on our own for so long). We have filled our lives with our business, our friends, a lot of hobbies, time alone together and then time alone alone. I don’t feel particularly close to my parents and I wonder if this is why I have always been quite comfortable to forge a path on my own.
My DF is the most serious person I have ever met. He is monotone and can barely smile and while I appreciate he has been unwell recently if I think back to my childhood I have always dreaded being alone in his company simply because it would be an opportunity for him to lecture me about the seriousness of life and I would get lectured about finances and university etc etc. He also often puts my DM down and clearly has some issue about her lack of ambition and responsibility when it’s come to their joint finances and retirement. So I still avoid being alone in his company, it’s simply a very dreary place to be. If he is not lecturing me about life or discussing his finances or moaning about my DM then he would gladly just be in my company for the sake of being in my company because we should be spending time together. As an example, he hates shopping but will happily stand at the door of a shop just so we can spend time together which is very uncomfortable and a bit strange. I don’t remember my dad ever cracking a joke or smiling. He is not depressed, he is just a bit bland, boring and serious (and I say this with love and in contrast to my own life and my DH).
My DM is fine, she has more zest to life and I only go to visit if she is there. She is a bit ditsy and will interrupt and not listen and go off on tangents so conversation is haphazard. I do think she has much higher expectations of me than I am able to deliver. She thinks mothers and daughters should be besties and I just don’t feel that comfortable letting her in that way so I think she is disappointed in that. I’ve never opened up to her about anything really even as a child and I just figured stuff out on my own (and I fully acknowledge that this is due to me and my personality). So we struggle to connect.
I just cannot see myself and my DM playing a board game together (picked up in a previous post). This just seems completely strange to me if I try and insert myself into that picture.
So I end up visiting them two or three times a week. I usually pop in and leave feeling very down. We have a meal together at least every second week and thankfully my DH fills up the conversation because my DF doesn’t have much to say unless the conversation drifts to a serious topic like politics. I get upset with myself that I feel obligated rather than keen to spend time with them.
All of these posts have made me feel worse.