Partner is an alcoholic. I don’t know what to do.

[LostLostLostLost]

We’ve been together six years and have a toddler (and he has three older children). He’s been drinking to excess since I was pregnant, which came to a peak eight months ago. Since then he’s been sporadically doing AA. But he’s still drinking, lying to me, acting unsafely, being horrible when hungover or craving alcohol.

If it wasn’t for our child I’d have left years ago. But I’m terrified he’ll get some custody and she’ll be neglected or worse in his care. I’m absolutely stuck as to what’s best.

Has anyone been in this scenario? What happened?

Why would an alcoholic get custody of the child?

Lets put it this way - do you want your child to grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal? Because you trying to make a normal life in these circumstances looks like you are enabling the behaviour.

Its one thing to be an alcoholic and trying to get better, but if hes lying then there is no trust and without that, you are best leaving him to it until he has been sober for a long while and had therapy.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Alcoholism and addiction is an illness but it’s so hard for those around them.
My partner is an alcoholic - to his absolute credit he’s spent the last year really battling it and ‘seems’ to have things under control. He managed Christmas and New Year with minimal drinking - yes I would have much preferred a tee total approach but compromise seemed to work.
We have a 3yo and he knows what he has to loose. Since pregnancy, we’ve had huge rows/ultimatums and I’ve been weak in moments where I have said to him last chance… it eats me up but I know that I hold onto our relationship and life because of our child. He is showing me commitment and a huge effort to make things better.
I do live in constant worry that he will slip off the wagon, but the gaps between this happening are longer and longer. So things can get better, but the person really has to want it.
Sit down, when he is sober, explain how you feel. Discuss what you want and need. If you can, make an ultimatum and stick to it. There is help out there, our GP wasn’t the best and referred DP to services that when he turned up to, they said he wasn’t ’severe enough’ and sent him away, this was a big mistake as his defence to me was ‘see I’m not that bad’.
Find a friend to talk to - it helps with the isolation. Ultimately, is your relationship worth the battle? Mine has been, I’m hopeful for the future but optimistic. I hope he realises how wonderful you are for caring so much!

Ok OP - I had a mother who was an alcoholic when I was a child. When I once said

“you’re drunk” when I was 10 and we were in the house on a normal evening - my mum responded in a cold voice with no eye contact

“I didn’t like what you said”

Her speciality was the

‘Punishment by surprise” - me coming back home quite innocently as a child and her being drunk and suddenly aggressive towards me.

ok not easy I know OP - in your circs I personally would LTB - I know you’re worried about custody circs but honestly, I’d worry about that when the time comes. Easier said than done I know - but you’ll get through it 💪❤️

Not full custody but every other weekend or something closer to that. Unless something big happens like an accident when he’s drunk, I can’t see that he’d be denied some unsupervised access.

You need to record his behaviour and keep a diary so if you split up you have evidence he must a contact centre

I've had my own problems with addiction in the past (drugs and alcohol), now clean on both counts, but IT IS A FCKING CHOICE! It's only an illness when you have withdrawal symptoms. Taking or drinking whatever is a choice the individual makes. Getting clean is also very much a choice.

He was sober for two months before Christmas and I thought things were getting better.

Yesterday afternoon he took his older children shopping and came home drunk. Which he lied about and we argued and I cried in front of the children. I don’t think this is a healthy environment for them.

But if we separate, a) I’m hours from my support network and b) there’d be no one keeping my toddler safe or monitoring his drinking.

I’m sorry I have been through similar. But I have to be blunt: he is the only one who can change. And even if he wants to, there’s no guarantee he will. Living with an alcoholic is a hard road and you have to prioritise your children. You need to prepare to leave.

Does he want to control his drinking? Does he accept it is an addiction. There are lots of alcoholics (most are reformed) in my family and interestingly an addiction counselor. It's an area that interests me. There is medication that can help addiction - Naltrexone - and there are other approaches e.g. therapy but what is key I think it s they need to want to stop.

You need to walk away from him.
You and DC need do get a healthy life style well being. This will not happen if you continue to stay and he will probably not get sober or seek recovery seriously until he has a rock bottle.
Also there is a program for friends and family’s of Alcoholics, used to
be known as as Al anon . Get out while you can and put healthy boundaries in place for yourself.

No, ultimately he doesn’t want to stop. If he did and he stopped lying to me then maybe we could stay together.

I’ve spoken with al-anon and their view is very much that it’s a disease and all I can control is my own boundaries and responses.

At the moment I feel so stressed by living with him. I’m constantly anxious and scared. But living alone would mean worry and fear when he had her, and financial and work difficulties too.

I was your husband. It is a disease and it is a most terrible one. The addiction takes control of everything and the drinking is no longer a choice, I don't know how to explain that. It sounds ridiculous but willpower cannot overcome this disease. However, I'm not in support of your husband so please don't think that. You can want to stop and you can stop. What he must want is to stop and to battle. It can't be done without a huge struggle, pain and exhaustion. But it can be done. I had many many relapses, but what every time was the same was that I wanted to stop and I tried everything. There was no magic cure, therapy or programme for me, it was an accumulation of everything. I did so much and put so much effort into it. If he can't do that then I would tread carefully and be prepared to separate.
I also came across the "you're not bad enough" and thought that gave me a licence to drink in the early days. There's so much demand for alcohol and addiction services that they can't support enough. However, he is an alcoholic and he's going to have to face that otherwise there's nothing you can do to help him. I'm sorry.
Please know that you are not in control, cannot stop him drinking and whatever you choose to do you must do for you and your family. He has to do the rest, or not and then your course of action is clear. Huge sympathies from me, I wouldn't wish alcoholism on anybody in the world.

And @Slimtoddy is right, there is absolutely no point in medication if he doesn't want to give up. None.

I've been where you are. It's horrendous. Leaving is the only path. But first gather evidence. It's unlikely he'll want any kind of custody as his priority is his addiction. But gather evidence. Don't let him have DC alone. Refuse. He can take you to court (he will say he will, but is unlikely to make it happen). My lawyer advised I gather evidence and be seen as reasonable about him maintaining a relationship with DC. As in make it clear you will spend every Saturday afternoon together plus a quick hour on a Wednesday evening (for example) but this must be supervised by you / people trusted by you both. Make it clear you are not stopping them having a relationship, but whilst he's actively drinking to excess, your DC's safety is number one. Good luck.

I spent years with an addict and regret it. It did not get any better. My advice - which I would give to my younger self if I could- would be to get out as soon as possible.

In order to do this, I would spend 2 months or so recording every drunken incident, in writing and also literally- record him on your phone when he is drunk. Then see a solicitor and say you want supervised contact only.

I would also strongly recommend getting in touch urgently with the mother of his other children to let her know he is drunk when supervising them. This is a safety issue for them- plus if he’s having unsupervised contact with them (which going by what you have said he really should not be) this will make it more difficult for you to argue against this for your DC.

Is he driving while drunk? (How did he get back from shopping after drinking?) If ever you think he is, call the police. Obviously this is relevant to contact, but also to protecting others on the road. Others don’t deserve to die for his self-indulgence.

In my experience living with an addict of any sort is just a waste of your life. Because it really does not get better once the pattern is well-established.

He’s not currently drinking to excess, which is his argument. Over NY there were sober family members present and yesterday they walked back from shopping. His argument is that he’s not drinking excessively. My argument is that he still lied to me about it, and that day drinking when alone with children is the start of the slope back to him drinking daily, drink driving, hiding alcohol, drinking at work and other unsafe behaviours.

You need to put you and your child first. I would leave him and move closer to your support network.

I am not an alcoholic, but I am in a Twelve Step program for another issue. I am an addict. Alcoholism, and other addictions, can be considered a two-part disease.

There is a physical abnormality, which means that once the person consumes the relevant substance or engages in the behaviour, it sets up an intense craving which is extremely difficult to ignore. They tend to keep on drinking/consuming, feel compelled to do so, and will lie and cheat to get what they want. The need for their substance eclipses everything else.

Then there is the mental obsession, which persists even if the person gets sober. The booze (or whatever) is their default mechanism for handling life. Positive emotions or negative ones, boredom, sadness, joy, whatever - the little voice will be there telling them how good it would be to have some…. And they will promise themselves that it will be just one, and they will mean it. They will believe that, this time, they can drink in moderation. But then they have some, and the craving is back.

A true addict needs two things: abstinence from their substance/behaviour, and a way to deal with the mental obsession. It is possible to get out from under, but it is extremely difficult.

It is difficult to stop, even with support. But if he doesn’t want to stop, it’s a non-starter. Nothing you can do or say will make him stop. Only he can decide, and even if he does, he needs help to do it.

Assume he will continue to drink, and the lying and passive aggression will only get worse. Make your decision on the basis that that’s how it will be.

If you do go ahead with the pregnancy as a solo parent, get legal advice about access for him. Maybe if you make the court aware of his drinking and your concern about the safety of the child when in his care, they would make an order for supervised access only.

@DetoxedAlcoholic you say exactly what one of my family members would say. My other family member who is an addiction counselor also says that they focus on the reason behind the addiction I. Their sessions focus on the reasons behind the addiction rather than the addiction itself. It makes sense to me but I suspect it would not work for everyone. Their approach is different I think to AA.

Two of my family had significant alcohol addiction and both are now alcohol free. It was hard work for both of them and I am very impressed with their efforts.

If in Scotland I'd recommend calling this organisation
https://www.sfad.org.uk/

If not, if you contact them they may know of similar support in other UK countries

I have been there, twice, which ruined my life.
The first one, the so called recovered alcoholic began drinking again after a few yrs dry (I met him in the sober period) and turned into a monster, raping me, attacking me, and keeping me prisoner so I lost my job. He eventually drunk himself to death.

The second started drinking heavily in covid and beating me up.
Both these men left me homeless. I did not get help as I am childless.
Please leave, I urge you.
An alcoholic is always one, even if they never touch a drop again. The behaviours are still in place and they are fighting a battle every day.
My one died..he got peace...I havent found it for what he did, and he's been gone ten yrs

Al Anon helped me, ( I ended up going three or four eves a week for a year) but not initially.. as I did not know what to expect
I thought they were there to advise... I went in, 'how do they stop him drinking?'
They said, you can't, we don't care about him, we care about you!
I was gobsmacked. and they did make it about me...but not on a practical level.
However, it saved me, gave me a safe place to rant and cry and not feel so alone.

I’ve been there too… my ex ( because I left him ) got more aggressive and selfish the longer I stayed .
You really just leave for your child’s sake . If you force your child to live and grow up in this environment- they willl hate you for it when they’re grown up .

Regarding custody - he got visitation but only supervised as he was volatile and unpredictable - and that was after he stopped drinking! My son doesn’t see him at all now as he got older and realised his dad was not a good person .

I'm confused, you say he isn't drinking to excess... but he was also drunk in charge of his older kids. That's excessive. Unless you mean he's saying he isn't drinking to excess, in which case, he's in denial.

This won't get any better. You've heard of the three c's? You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Don't be my DH, full of regret for not leaving his former partner earlier so my DSD ended up being exposed to her ahem - mother's appalling drunken behaviour for longer than she might have been. This will damage your child. I agree with those who say wait and collect evidence so you have a strong case for supervised contact only - he won't be safe to look after her alone.

And whatever your relationship with your SC's mother (I don't know if you have one or if it's good/bad) - please warn her, for the sake of your SC. Is that why her relationship with your partner ended, I wonder?

You can't carry on living like this. It is not your responsibility to keep his drinking in check. You can seek counseling in order to leave him or have counseling to help you manage him. Unfortunately you & your child will always be secondary to alcohol. Your life could be so much better without him.
i was married to an alcoholic and left, yes it was difficult, yes he tried to emotionally manipulate me but I managed to stay strong.
In later years my mum was also an alcoholic & she also put alcohol before me; and cost me a lot financially. For the last 20 years of her life she never touched a drop, but please don't put your child through living with and growing up with an alcoholic, it's heartbreaking & damaging. Get out now and build a life that's calmer and less stressful. You cannot change him or fix him