Partner is an alcoholic. I don’t know what to do.

[LostLostLostLost]

We’ve been together six years and have a toddler (and he has three older children). He’s been drinking to excess since I was pregnant, which came to a peak eight months ago. Since then he’s been sporadically doing AA. But he’s still drinking, lying to me, acting unsafely, being horrible when hungover or craving alcohol.

If it wasn’t for our child I’d have left years ago. But I’m terrified he’ll get some custody and she’ll be neglected or worse in his care. I’m absolutely stuck as to what’s best.

Has anyone been in this scenario? What happened?

You leave him before he 1. damages your child irreparably and 2. drags you down with him.

You then move near your support networks and make a new life for yourselves.

How often does he look after your children on his own now?

BTW I voted that you were being unreasonable because your child is a toddler and you've chosen to subject her to this man for so long already.

They will always bargain with you on these sort of technicalities.

My ex used to drink 4 or 5 cans of lager every night (and a lot more at weekends) but he managed to have every Monday off booze (probably because he was usually still hanging from Saturday night). Because he had this one night a week when he wasn't drinking he convinced himself he couldn't be an alcoholic. Even though he could happily consume 30 units in a sitting on a weekend evening. So we would refuse to moderate his drinking on any of the other nights.

This is the sort of bullshit logic of an alcoholic. They will find one thing to cling to which buttresses their denial and then use that as an excuse not to confront the problem.

As long as he's in this "bargaining" phase it won't get better. As a PP said alcohol will always be the thing he reaches for to deal with mental stress. As long as that mental connection is there he can't change.

It really is all or nothing. He either stops completely or you leave. Sorry.

You need to look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - it will show you the damage an alcoholic parent does to the child - i understand your worry re the contact if you separate - he would likely not see the child - whats the relationship like now?

There is a thread in the Alcohol support page for those who are living with someone addicted to alcohol. There are many there with learned advice and who are currently going through life with an alcoholic. I found it very helpful and supportive.

Start making a daily diary. Start it tomorrow. Record:
. how you feel - scared/worried
. anything you did to hide/keep you or toddler out of his way/not aggravate him
. how he behaved/what he drank

Do this every day for a week. Keep on for a month. A couple of months. Then take advice about leaving. You must leave him OP. Decide that you will do it and be calm and at peace with it today.

He won't get custody my lovely. He won't want sole care of the child because it will interfere with the drinking.

Get in touch with your support network and let them know you have a plan to leave him and return to them. Play the long game. You're looking at 2/3 months to create a diary, and a couple of weeks to leave.

It will be the single most important and best thing you'll ever do for your child OP and you must be brave now for them 💐

Re: the diary - You'll get used to making quick simple notes. You might struggle with it at first thinking there's nothing to say every day, but you'll get better at it and you'll see a clear pattern after a while.

Oh - and quietly back away from trying to change him. Stop challenging him on the drinking, let him be. You won't stop him.

You do you now, and quietly get away.

PPs advice about recording him is very good. I was in the same position as you and I had two small children. It is a very difficult position to be in/ I completely get it. I did not leave my partner when they were small for exactly the reason you mention; but I think now that videoing people is easier that would be good evidence.

What I would do is make a plan….. save as much money as you can. Tell people about his drinking. Don’t keep it as your own shameful secret; you have nothing to
be ashamed of and you will start to feel
better as you share this with people you trust. If you have supportive family tell them and ask for help. All of this will stand you in good stead when/ if you leave. Keep going to AlAnon; it is all about you having that support and that understanding.’nYou absolutely cannot change him, don’t even think that you can- however much you persuade/ get angry/ talk it through etc etc.

Put yourself and your child first. It is a really difficult situation to be in; but however much you want it to be different , and for him to always be the person he is when he’s not drinking, it won’t happen unless he chooses it. Ultimately if he keeps drinking you will have to get out for your sanity and that of your child. But for now start making your plans, getting support and building your own attitude. Good luck xx

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I have read all the responses and I really appreciate people sharing their honest experiences.

He currently looks after BD one or two days a week when I commute into the office. I stay overnight perhaps once a month. If we split I know he would delight in letting me down so it affected my career.

He's already saying he refuses to let us leave our town (my support network is 2hrs away). Realistically I think he’d want her every other weekend and half the holidays like he has the older ones, but he’d push for more to spite me.

It sounds like despite the drinking he's awful. All this talk of spite and enjoying letting you down.

Get rid.

He is. In the past 2-3 years his personality has changed entirely. He is unpredictable and, I fear, dangerous as an enemy. I don’t think he’s a good person or parent and I want to minimise his influence on our daughter.

For this time I’ve been the main “parent” to SC when they’re in our home - the one cooking vegetables, making them brush their teeth and hair, doing homework, turning off the TV. He’s bitter and vitriolic about their mum to them.

He refuses to let you leave your town…. meaning you and the DC, if you split?

He can’t stop you. He’s trying to control you. Don’t let him do it.

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent who made all our lives a misery, leave him, leave him, LEAVE HIM. You are not doing your child any favours at all by keeping her in that environment. My dad eventually stopped drinking when I was a teenager but the damage to me and my siblings had already been done. I have a good relationship with both parents now but still have deep resentment towards my dad for the damage he caused and my mum for not prioritising her and our wellbeing and removing us all from that environment.