DP, my work & childcare

[LittlePeachh]

I’m off work on Maternity Leave with DC2 and would like to go back to work earlier than when my ML finishes… this would be soon. Mainly, this is for my mental health however also because I’m due down to SMP.

A bit of background - I’m contracted to work part-time but take on extra shifts to double my income.

DP is against me returning to work early. The thing is, he has made plans and doesn’t want me to go back as it interferes them (weekends away etc). He also took on an external commitment (on one of my working days). This generates an extra money p/m, but that wasn’t why he took it on… he just wanted to. I had no involvement in the decision.
We could arrange childcare for DC1 before, now GP’s (both sides) are unwilling for both children, every week - not complaining as I understand why.

I was hoping to ask my work for an alternative work arrangement 1 of my working days. This would mean I would start and finish earlier. We would only need childcare for approximately an hour. This I’m sure we could manage, with external family being included.

Aibu - every time I bring it up, I’m basically told ‘we’d need childcare x, y, z dates (full weekends). Which is not really possible. So I’m pretty much stuck, feeling as though I’m drowning. Have no motivation to do the basics as quite honestly, I’m depressed.

TIA if reading so far.
I guess I just wanted to offload my thoughts, AIBU to be annoyed at this.

Is he paying into your pension, covering your half of the bills?
Even if you go back normal time is he expecting you to not work one of your standard days because during maternity he decided to take that extra day on without consulting you?

Tell him for your mental health you need to go back to work and he needs to decide whether to cancel his arrangements or arrange alternative childcare.

I'm annoyed on your behalf. The way he is treating you is so disrespectful.

Are you married?

Looks like that extra money he's booked himself for will be needed to pay for childcare. Plus when are you getting weekends away?

So he can take on commitments without consulting you but you have to consult and he can veto.

Does he think this is fair?

Also, does his money go into a communal pot?

We are not married.
When I go down to SMP he will pretty much be covering majority of household bills, groceries etc.
I have bills that I’ll just be able to cover from my own account…
As far as I was aware his other commitment would be stopping when my maternity was finished. I’ve been informed that this was never the case. I was told it would be, was never consulted in any other decision regarding it. I think he’s pretty much expecting GP’s to say it’s fine and they’ll do it - when they really don’t want too for various reasons…

You are not married.
You need to go back to work asap.
You both pay for childcare.
What is the weekends away? Work or hobby
How does he suggest that works?

How much lead in time have you given him? He might be unreasonable to book weekends away when you’re on mat leave if you’re not getting the same, but if you’ve given him 2 weeks notice to make a drastic change to plans/work that’s unreasonable too.

We don’t have a shared bank account. He pays the majority or larger household bills from his account.
I then pay him a specific amount p/m & we then pay for our own individual bills - phones etc.
And I pay 1 larger household bill. Without extra shifts I just earn enough to cover all of this… no extra shifts and I don’t have £1 spare. He has said when SMP starts, I don’t need to pay him the usual p/m. But I won’t hear the end of it.

How much would it cost to put both DC into paid childcare (nursery or child minder)? Tell your DP he will have to pay half and see what he says…..

Would the GP’s be willing to take one child each, they could alternate, one to one time with each GP might be nice for both parties?

I have been asking to go back or contact my work since October / November. I’ve always said the start of Feb (was around this time I returned from ML after DC1).
He has responded the same way everytime I’ve brought it up

Could you take the leave you have accrued on ML on the dates he is away?
I agree with the pp , its quite short notice
The other date that he now works, he will have to arrange CC.
Do not give up your job!

Who are you asking?
Him?
Seriously ?
He's not the boss of you
Are there other issues ?

what is the child care plan for the regular end of your maternity leave? Surely by now you have researched providers and have something lined up.

"every time I bring it up, I’m basically told ‘we’d need childcare x, y, z dates (full weekends). Which is not really possible."

Then he cancels his plans or he arranges the childcare. He made these plans so he sorts the arrangements.

You want to return to work so he shouldn't have arranged things without making sure about arrangements first.

What are the things he's arranged? Can he take the children with him if you're working?

'I won't hear the end of it'. I think this line worried me the most.
He decides when you return to work.
He decided that you don't have to transfer money when you go down to statutory.
His social life/hobbies/ weekends away are more important than your mental health, and also your finances.
I'm concerned about the power imbalance, the lack of control over finances, the lack of teamwork, the almost boss/employee situation.
Honestly, it isn't acceptable that he makes all the decisions and your mental health is not important in his eyes.
Couples counselling, immediately, non negotiable. Or get out and enjoy life with your two kids where you get to have a voice and to control how you manage your day to day.

You could use a nursery, paid childcare? Xx

You are not married, go back to work full time to protect yourself financially. Honestly blows my mind anyone has kids when not married, it’s always the mum who loses out financially and they will have zero entitlement if they split. Use childcare like most people have to, your partner must split this cost with you. And seriously consider the future of your relationship, make sure you are financially secure

The plan was him. I work out with childcare providers hours. One GP agreed to cover 1 day temporarily until he finished up with his other commitment, and won’t agree now they know he has no intentions of not doing this.

Go back to work. You are not married. You must protect your career, your pension, your self respect, the power dynamic in your relationship and your mental health. You need to work for money earlier than planned because your partner isn’t your husband, because he doesn’t respect you enough to help you cover your own bills with anything to spare, because he doesn’t respect your career, he doesn’t respect your time, and all of the above amounts to him not respecting your role as a mother. You are not housemates. You should be a team, but it’s all about him. The thing is, if he’s refusing to commit to the time needed for you to return to work now, why would it be any different later down the line? Be careful that he isn’t setting you up for failure. He can spend “his” extra money on childcare.

I am gobsmacked every time I hear about a woman on maternity leave still expected to either cover her own “equal share” of bills or a woman who has been made to feel that her husband is so generous by not financially abusing her quite to that extent.

Sorry, for those who are suggesting paid childcare. I changed jobs and I’m contracte to work weekends, means I work less hours but same pay. I would take extra hours before and after my shift. Before ML l, I worked weekday shifts (not contracted to work weekdays) whenever I could & depending on childcare. DC1 was in paid childcare 2 days, now has funded hours. And GP’s would help out if needed then.

He clearly doesn't run things past you. Time you did the same. The relationship sounds awful tbh.

No it’s more or less boozy weekends & nights out. When I was at work all my Annual leave was used to accommodate this. So nothings changed there except I don’t have AL to use, if I was to go back early!

This relationship is very unlikely to last, you’ve had children with a boy, not a man. If you can, get a job where you work Mon-Fri, get your children into childcare. You need to future-proof your life and working weekends is just not going to work if you have no reliable childcare those days. He’s not going to step up, he’s faaar too selfish for that.

The way he's treating you isn't right.