DP, my work & childcare

[LittlePeachh]

I’m off work on Maternity Leave with DC2 and would like to go back to work earlier than when my ML finishes… this would be soon. Mainly, this is for my mental health however also because I’m due down to SMP.

A bit of background - I’m contracted to work part-time but take on extra shifts to double my income.

DP is against me returning to work early. The thing is, he has made plans and doesn’t want me to go back as it interferes them (weekends away etc). He also took on an external commitment (on one of my working days). This generates an extra money p/m, but that wasn’t why he took it on… he just wanted to. I had no involvement in the decision.
We could arrange childcare for DC1 before, now GP’s (both sides) are unwilling for both children, every week - not complaining as I understand why.

I was hoping to ask my work for an alternative work arrangement 1 of my working days. This would mean I would start and finish earlier. We would only need childcare for approximately an hour. This I’m sure we could manage, with external family being included.

Aibu - every time I bring it up, I’m basically told ‘we’d need childcare x, y, z dates (full weekends). Which is not really possible. So I’m pretty much stuck, feeling as though I’m drowning. Have no motivation to do the basics as quite honestly, I’m depressed.

TIA if reading so far.
I guess I just wanted to offload my thoughts, AIBU to be annoyed at this.

You need proper childcare with two children. It’s easy to wing it with one but impossible with two.
Have a look and see if there are any Childminder that offer weekend care some of them prefer that and definitely would accommodate

He wants you NOT to work, so you can be the weekend childcare while he goes on the piss? Is that right?

He’s being an utter arsehole.

This. Sorry op he sounds like an ass hole.

Beyond the fact that your partner sounds like a useless twat, and a shit parent and partner... You probably need to start looking for a new job, or change your shift back to weekdays.

Whether you stay with him or not, arranging childcare on weekends long term is going to be a nightmare. I doubt this guy will ever change so you'll be the one stuck with the problem in any scenario.

Can I just double check something - are these his children too?
it reads as if they’re not, and that you’re the default parent.
if they are, do the two of you even realise that the two of you are equal parents and equal in life. He doesn’t get to decide everything.

absokuteky keep your job op. Keep all the hours you can. You will leave this man at some point, and need to be financially independent to be able to do so.

I agree with this. It’ll end up with family feeling they have to cover your childcare when they clearly (quite rightly) don’t want to. Whether you’re with him or not he’s not going to reliable to cover weekend childcare so unless you can afford a nanny it’s a no go.

This has happened to me twice. They just assume it’s our responsibility don’t they? I have been the breadwinner twice and both times I’ve been left to sort the childcare / work around their shifts (in their shitty, low paid jobs) two different men! Pricks. Sorry OP you’ll have to fall out over this one I think.

you have an abusive controlling partner and getting away from him is the main priority - universal credit will help cover bills until you can and you’ll be able to claim for most of your childcare too. But getting away from this horrible man who isn’t a decent partner or father needs to be the main concern

So he was a dick about childcare with your first child and you stayed and had a second with him?

Cut your losses. You've stayed too long. You need to get out and away from him so he can't drag you down further.

I will say, he doesn’t drink every weekend. It’s just over the next 2 months seems to have a lot on - hindering my return to work. But that being said whenever he’s had plans previously, I’d be expected fo use annual leave to accommodate them. I did start saying No and he would ask GP’s to look after DC1 until I got home.

@Clarehandaust I absolutely underestimated it. I only ask whenever I really need too. So far haven’t managed to get anyone for both for longer than half an hour… no issues with just 1 though.

@arethereanyleftatall yes both his children.
And I will certainly be keeping my job. I’ll be kicking up a fuss if there’s any sort of interference with me returning when I’m supposed too.
Just increasingly annoyed as returning earlier would suit me better. Would maybe help me feel more human again.

This.

I simply don't understand why you wanted 2 children with this selfish teenage boy who hasn't grown up. You will have to be the grown up in this relationship for as long as you stay with him. It's probably best to cut your losses now. He's not really a catch, is he?

The reason you don't feel human is because your partner doesn't treat you like one. In his world you are just there to service his needs. You have supplied him with two children, now it's up to you to make sure they interfere as little as possible with his life. He is truly quite a vile person, if you haven't seen it yet I am sure the realisation will hit you like a ton of bricks quite soon.

This is all wrong. You’ve been had. And are extremely vulnerable.

Although I agree with everyone and he sounds like a selfish wanker. I also think your families working pattern is a problem. Both of you are single parenting separately then working all other days. Will you have any days as a family together or free time? It sounds like previously you were doing weekdays, but want to do weekends to be able to work less for more (which I get) but maybe for the sake of ease of childcare and spending time as a family you could thinking about going back to weekdays? Ensuring you both have equal free time. I wouldn’t want work all week and then have the kids on my own all weekend.

I can't believe what I'm reading tbh.

What would your position be if this vile man left you in a couple of years? I'm hoping the house is joint, but you're spending all of your income and have a much reduced pension because you are raising HIS kids (that is without the impact on your mental health).

You need to be equal, you having the best paying, secure, full time job you can get is paramount. You need savings and a pension and you need free time.

I understand its not as easy as just 'go back to work' because someone must have the DC. And you can't just put them in childcare because you'd need him to agree to pay for it. Do you see how stuck you are and how this has happened?

The easiest way to get back to work is with official paid childcare.

You need a conversation with this man. Check whether he understands that he is equally responsible for the DC, check whether he cares about you having a career, and financial security, and good mental health. If he does he'll work with you to fix this situation. But you know he doesn't.

You will need to leave. With 2 DC you will be better off financially than you think. You can officially split up now, even whilst living together. Talk to women's aid, you are being controlled and financially abused.

How financially secure are you? What about housing?

Does he work mon-fri? If so I can understand why he doesn't want to be solo parenting both days at the weekend as that means he doesn't get a break.

This is about equal access to work and time off and childcare will have to come into the equation How old is your baby?

Read the writing on the wall, OP. He doesn’t give a shit about you or the children.

Something feels very wrong here. He wants you to keep everything running at home so that he can makes his plans with his mates like a single guy. On top of that, it seems that he likes you being strapped for cash as that keeps you in your place. Sorry OP. Not good.

This. I hope you get the UC/child benefit in your account at least.