Was this unacceptable behaviour with my DD?

[AliceAbsolum]

Went outside with DD, 3, for a bit, playing imaginary bear hunt. She was appropriately dressed for the weather. Moaned, winged and shouted. So I took her to soft play, she wouldn't play, kept saying she was bored, yet screamed the place down when we left. Refused to walk to the car, etc etc.
When we got home she continued to shout at me because I put her snack on a plate and not in a bag!
I then said "right I've had enough" and under my breath I said "you are not nice to be around", she would not have heard this due to her screaming. I walked away from her, closed the door to the bedroom and breathed deeply. Que more screaming. She followed me up stairs and then I felt guilty and we repaired.

I can't be this saint who manages this all the time! Pretty sure I used to have a life that didn't involve horrible indoor soft play and being shouted at all day.

How do people manage to not get frustrated?

It's fine.

It would also be f8ne to tell her that you don't like her behaviour.

Thanks. I do but it makes 0 difference.

It’s fine, it’s just what kids of this age are like

It’s ok to get frustrated and it’s ok to walk away from her to take a breath. When you say you repair why does that involve? Do you correct her behaviour in anyway or tell her during the time it’s not ok?

I have a 2 and 4 year old and it's so hard not to get frustrated. Ive found that I deal with it far better if my own tank isn't empty. When it is it's so hard not to blow up but I know it's not going to help either of us if I do. When they're behaving that way non-stop then I need to try to take a step back and think where it's coming from. A one-off tantrum can just be a tantrum but if it's all day it's likely coming from something else whether hunger, tiredness or something else. Sometimes it's really hard to work out what though. One day my 2 year old was like this all day and I couldnt work out why, then at bath time when I took off her clothes I realised that her sock had a little tiny plastic label still in it, but cut and pointing inwards, so it had obviously been irritating her all day but she wasn't able to tell me (despite having good language).
Do you have someone who can take over for a bit for you to decompress a bit?

I explained why I was frustrated and apologised for getting frustrated. Hug. Then go do something else.

I don't know how to encourage her to explain what she wants without shouting. She gets so overwhelmed so quickly.

Fwiw definitely NT.

Thanks for the solidarity. Thing is my tank was full! I'd finally had some time to myself yesterday after a long stressful Christmas. But I think that almost made it worse. I was so relaxed yesterday.

Then I feel guilty for not enjoying this.

I think muttering under your breath was fine. Even if she had heard it I don’t really see a problem! But as she didn’t hear it, and all you did was walk away for a minute, I don’t think you should have apologised to her. You had nothing to apologise for

But I acted in an angry manner, which upset her. So I feel like the apology was warrented.

Why did you apologise for getting frustrated? You’re allowed to get frustrated (and react appropriately). Equally you’re allowed not to enjoy certain times with your children. Not every moment is “making memories”, sunshine and rainbows.

I had three under three (all single births) and some (many) days were pure shite.

Is it not kind to apologise when you get frustrated with someone?

It's ok to show human emotions to your kids, it's ok for your kids to realise you have a limit, you're not a bad person for getting annoyed by annoying behaviour, nor for letting your kid see that annoyance.

Kids at that age can be annoying and irrational. You're doing fine.

I don’t apologise for getting frustrated no, as I certainly wouldn’t want to teach my daughters to apologise for having normal emotions/reactions. That leads to people pleasing.

i would apologise for behaving inappropriately if I was frustrated but walking away and breathing deeply in a separate room isn’t inappropriate.

The trouble is you didnt deal with badbehaviour in the moment. You tried to please and appease her all day until you inevitably reached breaking point. Why do you think ignoring bratty behaviour is 'saintly'? it isnt, you are letting her down by not addressing it!

Did she apologise to you?

I didn't ignore it but I wasn't able to stop her doing it. How would you respond to her behaviour?

You have just reminded me of the time DS had a total meltdown about the colour cup I put his water in. I asked him which one and he couldn't make his mind up so I choose, he'd been having a bad day anyway and I don't think anything I did would have made any difference he was just heading for a big meltdown anyway.

It must have been bad as even his older sister reminds me of it sometimes.

Maybe she was just tired and couldn't cope with today. I do think like us they have bad and good days, just at that age they can't express it very well. Or even understand they are having a bad day and it comes out in tantrums.

I to found some days difficult when the kids where little. So take a deep breath do something to chill out and relax, as she's probably just tired.

Interesting. I'd deffo always apologize for being a bit shitty

No. Should she for developmentally normal behavior?

Honestly if the current parenting thing is to never show you’re annoyed with children when they’re being horrible and to,apologise if you do, no wonder teachers struggle and so many parents seem to find raising children a challenge.

I told my 5 year old he was acting like a horrible little boy on Friday. I've felt awful since. I don't shout and I talked it through with him after - don't like the behaviour but love him very very much - but I feel so bad.

no one is a perfect parent OP

Seriously? Yes, she apologises for bad behaviour. You apologising to her for your behaviour and not expecting her to do the same is bonkers

Arguably you getting frustrated with all day non-stop crappy toddler behaviour is also developmentally normal. so if you apologised so should she.

And yes I would expect my 3 year old to apologise to me for bad behaviour, if I was apologising to her for my reaction to her bad behaviour.

I’ve flipped off my kids behind their backs when they’re being horrible so you’re basically a saint in comparison.

Yes. The summary of today is that she had a tantrum and you apologised to her. That sends the wrong message. She needs to understand why you were frustrated and how her actions caused your reaction. You could say 'she's only 3' but she is old enough to have a basic understanding if you keep it very, very simple. You're on a slippery slope if the outcome of her behaviour today is for you to apologise to her.