To sometimes really dislike my child?

[arcticfoxx]

I know that sounds like a bit of a provocative title.

I always used to hate ‘I love you bur u don’t like your behaviour’ much loved of old. Mostly because IMO it’s difficult to disassociate someone from their behaviour. No one’s saying ‘that serial killer is a great guy apart from when he’s off killing people!’

But my five year old … I love him, I do, but while I used to think that love would be enough to get us through the tough times it isn’t always and I do find some of his behaviour: the way he speaks to me and his anger / aggression levels so very hard to tolerate and it makes me feel like I don’t even like him.

I guess I’m asking how normal it is; I feel like as a parent I should always have his back and see the best in him.

I mean, it isn't HIM you dislike, is it? It's his behaviour that's the problem and I feel certain you aren't alone so please don't beat yourself up.

Would you say his behaviour is more extreme than any other NT 5yo?

Hard to say … I don’t know what they are like at home!

yes to always having his back

but no to always seeing the best in him if he’s behaving rudely and aggressive

Whenever I feel like this about mine, I try to remind myself that the behavior isnt specifically aimed at me, or meant to hurt me, although it often feels that way. Its just a small child with an undeveloped brain and absolutely not to take it personally. As in, sometimes they truly behave like abusive, gaslighting narcissistic twats. ( did you throw that on the floor? No? But i saw you do it. No! Argh! ) but they are not terrible tyrants, just kids. Then I sometimes feel better.

So he’s only like this at home?

Yes, I say that in the OP

haha thanks @dairydebris

i have a toddler as well and I do think sometimes I’m guilty of treating ds as older than he is.

Whoops apologies no I don’t

What do you say in the Op?

Is he only like this at home?

So yes he is largely only like this at home, primarily aimed at me but sometimes at DH too. Mostly me though.

I think stages of this is normal, my nearly 13yo is driving me mad at the moment. Obviously I still love him but I'd be lying if I wasn't tempted by the idea of boarding school right now 🤣

It’s horrible isn’t it? Because while you do still love them in the moment the dislike sort of takes over and the love is buried. Or that’s how I feel, anyway.

Yes, they are annoying and very unfiltered at home.

It's why adults dont have children as friends 🤣

It's exactly why people say they are cute "when they're sleeping".

Actually I think it's really important that parents are able to see the worst in their kids as well as the best. Because unless we can be clear eyed about their behaviour/attitudes, we can't support them to change.

My eldest was incredibly challenging around 6 and 11. Absolute dream at school but rude, challenging and aggressive at home. We had to work really hard and really consistently to tackle it and stop it becoming embedded. He's now 14 and is honestly a total delight - funny, loving, helpful. He's still a teenager and sometimes overreacts or is rude - but the apologies are almost always fast in coming and it's not his standard behaviour. (NB he's not perfect. We get a lot of grunts, "whaaa?" shouted from the next room and we live in a fug of Lynx Summer Fresh.)

Some kids go through incredibly difficult stages and it really does wear you down. With support and consistent boundaries and parenting I think most do come out the other side though.

@JassyRadlett can you remember how you handled it?

I never thought I’d be a parent walking on eggshells but I am a bit. Consequences are meaningless as he’s so foul in that moment if you say ‘right no TV’ or whatever it just exacerbates the situation!

You probs aren’t gong to like this, but yabvvvvvu. Stop it now. It’s foul for the child. Your analogy is dreadful too. I doubt any serial killer is particularly nice, apart from when they are killing.

your child will, almost by definition, act up with their ‘safe person’, ie often their mum/primary carer. It’s how they test boundaries, or even check out your love, esp with a toddler in the mix. Kids aren’t mature, they are kids.

Focus on really seeing the very best in your child. Catch them doing good things. Even if it’s only one ok thing in a list of shit things. I wish you all the best, and you’ll be ok. It’s damn hard looking after 2 small kids. But it’s not your child’s fault. You may need more help.

Mostly because IMO it’s difficult to disassociate someone from their behaviour

I would agree if the “someone” is anyone aside from my own child. And I do find it a heck of a lot easier, for example, to forget all about past rudeness or poor behaviour and just move on.!

stop it now it’s quite hard to stop a feeling.

I clearly wasn’t saying ds was like a serial killer. What I’m saying is that a person and their behaviour are hard to separate. To a certain extent we are our behaviour. And unfortunately I’m not seeing a very nice side to ds at the moment.

I don't always like their behaviour but I always like them. My mum didn't like me, it destroyed my self-esteem and confidence.

Parents are not saints - it's hard to like anyone who is rude, aggressive, shouts at you etc even if that person is your small child! Don't beat yourself up over it - you still love him, you just don't like his behaviour when its horrible! That just means you're human 🤷‍♀️

My advice is to not feel like you have to walk on eggshells - you need to have firm consequences and stick to them, regardless of how he responds. He needs you to be the leader, even when he pushes back against it. Be calm, be firm and once the tantrum is over, move on and reconnect with him, play a game or go for a walk or run around in the garden. Having fun together is the antidote to the difficult bits like having to discipline him!

First, you have to force yourself to separate the person from the behaviour. You have to. Unless your child has an underlying personality disorder (very rare) the this is a phase that's being caused by something - probably a lot of things. You're the adult and you need to be disciplined with yourself as well as him. He is controlling this behaviours to a greater or lesser extent elsewhere and letting them out at home - this means that he's feeling safe at home, and that's a good thing.

Think about what's happened to his life in a pretty short space of time - starting school (and tbh I think R to Year 1 is a much bigger jump than starting reception - not sure what year your son is in), there is a toddler in the house pulling focus and attention and loading expectations on him to be the "big boy". School is a lot, being a sibling is a lot and losing your "cute little kid" status can be a lot.

Second, you have to be totally, totally consistent in your parenting. Pick two or three behaviours you want to tackle and be absolutely disciplined and single minded about it. Both parents need to be totally on the same page and also be willing not to give a fuck if things are exacerbated in the immediate term. You have to go through this to get to the other side. You are in charge. Stop walking on eggshells, parent fairly and consistently and deal with the consequences as they arise, even if it gets worse before it gets better.

Third, give him chances to be brilliant and amazing or at least for him to feel like you think he is. We had marble jars for years - just like with the bad behaviours, we'd pick a handful of good behaviours (usually about five - enough not to overwhelm) that when we saw them, a marble would go in the jar. A full jar gets a prize (money was always favoured by our kids, followed by a trip out to spend it on nonsense.) Make sure he gets one on one time with each parent doing something he really enjoys. Absolutely shower him with praise for the most minor of good behaviours. Don't fall into the trap of only being able to see the bad - you have to train yourself to be able to see the good!

Crap I somehow responded to my own post not yours! Sorry!

The one thing I didn't say was being really up front about the behaviours you're going to tackle and what the consequences will be. "We really don't like when you do X. It's not acceptable in our house. If it happens, Y will be the consequence. It won't matter if you scream or shout, that will still be the consequence."

And then stick to it ruthlessly but also fairly - ie don't double the punishment in the heat of the moment, and stay absolutely calm yourself. You need to model how to deal with difficult feelings constructively.

It isn’t so much that he pushes against consequences, more that he doesn’t take them in when he’s in the moment.

Just now for instance he kicked his wellies off (I actually hate it when he does that) one hit me in the face and I said ‘ouch, ds, that hurt,’ he just went ‘URR’ at me (a sort of angry noise) then ran off and any attempts to follow him meant he just yelled at me.

I probably am dealing with it all wrong. I just feel like I’ve lost control of him somewhere along the line.

Thanks @JassyRadlett , that’s helpful. He’s just so angry all the time. And seems like he hates my guts (I’m sure he doesn’t but it feels like that.)

I've been thinking about this while doing the grocery shopping and actually your last two posts have illuminated something for me.

I wonder if you can't see the wood for the trees any more? Everything is an issue and annoying you - so you can't tackle the really fundamental ones.

The wellies thing is a really good example. First, don't sweat the small stuff. And kicking wellies off really is the small stuff. For him it's more fun and it's easier! Let him have it. And in your response to him, work from the assumption that he didn't try to hurt you. Always assume good intentions. So instead of "ouch, that hurt" (which if he was already feeling guilty/worried/sure he was just going to get into trouble will have just reinforced all that), you could have gone with "my goodness your kicking legs are strong. I bet you didn't realise that you could kick the welly so far it would hit me! Next time make sure you're not aiming in my direction, ok?"

He sounds like he needs an outlet when he's feeling really wound up. Can you give him something he's allowed to punch or a room he's allowed to shout in when he's feeling really angry? My second kid has BIG feelings and giving him places he was allowed to express them really helped on the way to learning to regulate them.

Overall - remember that something is causing these behaviours, and it might now be at a point where your reactions are feeding them further. Allow yourselves to reset, choose what you're going to focus on and don't sweat the rest for now, don't take it personally - remember that the fact that he's focusing these behaviours on you is a sign that he feels safe and secure to do so with you.

And remember that five is a really, really little kid even though it's easy to lose sight of it.

Thanks @JassyRadlett . It’s true I’ve been feeling a bit more emotional lately, Christmas was just so hard it drained me and I just haven’t recovered. Added to that I feel so guilty about so much at the moment.

You’re right and I didn’t handle the welly thing well. I just sort of reacted because it did hurt, you know? (Got me right in the nose!)

He’s always so much worse at weekends and holidays when DH is around, not that I’m ‘blaming’ DH, but he is