To sometimes really dislike my child?

[arcticfoxx]

I know that sounds like a bit of a provocative title.

I always used to hate ‘I love you bur u don’t like your behaviour’ much loved of old. Mostly because IMO it’s difficult to disassociate someone from their behaviour. No one’s saying ‘that serial killer is a great guy apart from when he’s off killing people!’

But my five year old … I love him, I do, but while I used to think that love would be enough to get us through the tough times it isn’t always and I do find some of his behaviour: the way he speaks to me and his anger / aggression levels so very hard to tolerate and it makes me feel like I don’t even like him.

I guess I’m asking how normal it is; I feel like as a parent I should always have his back and see the best in him.

Yes of course, you're human and it hurt!

In these situations I still often have the mantra that the behaviour might be aimed at me, but it almost certainly isn't because of me.

Always start from the position that he's not acting with malice or doing it because he hates you. There will be a hundred different reasons that probably have nothing to do with you.

It's hard when they are at this age and their worlds just explode in size and complexity, especially if they were quite compliant toddlers and preschoolers. We become less the centre of their universes, but we're still "home base" and they rely on us for so much - including a safe place to offload big feelings.

I've just read back my posts and god I sound like a know it all granny, sorry! I have made PLENTY of mistakes along the way to finding what worked with my kids.

OP I’m with you, my son has just turned 6, I am totally with you on this. I guess all we have is hope that things will improve with age (in the meantime pass us the wine!)

Sounds counterintuitive OP, but could you lovebomb him for a couple of days to reset things.
Then just repeat over and over to yourself, 'its not personal, he is a child, I am the adult in the room.'

He sounds unhappy and frustrated at home.

is he getting enough physical exercise over the weekends? To really tire him out!

how is home like generally?

What’s the issue with you saying ‘ouch that hurt’ as a response to having a welly kicked into your face?!

fair enough he didn’t mean to do it, but you didn’t bollock him and I don’t think you should have to walk on egg shells to the extent that you can’t even say ‘ouch’! Surely it’s teaching him a bit of self awareness and encouraging him to be a little more careful in his actions.

I would really encourage you to be consistent in your boundaries. Yes encourage and praise when it’s due but equally he needs to learn actions have consequences. My son was similar at this age and he did come out the other side but it takes a lot of effort and perseverance.

the problem is he doesn’t really care about any consequences or they lead to further problems which you then have to consequence … I’m lost to be honest.

Today we were at a birthday party and he wouldn’t stop being (sorry) a complete dick at the table. Grabbing the child next to him, banging his (plastic) knife and fork on the table, swinging his legs so that he was kicking the other kids then he tried to blow the candles out on the birthday boys cake … I was absolutely mortified tbh. I guess I should have taken him out but I’d have had to physically carry him and I had two children there and for all sorts of reasons it wasn’t possible.

You needed to remove him calmly the second time he kicked someone. 1 warning, calm and very clear- 'do not touch anyone else's body at the table. If you touch someone else's body again, I will help you stop by taking you home.' Then follow through. Calm, confident, and always do as youve said.
Its pretty bad he tried to blow out birthday candles. He's in danger of becoming unlikeable to his peers.
Think not in terms of punishing him, but helping him with his behavior til he gets it.

It wasn’t possible @dairydebris

It was a tiny party room. I’d have had to force him by lifting him out; he’d have been kicking and screaming and probably kicked a few kids in the head (not intentionally but y’know) and most importantly really … way to ruin the birthday boys party.

I did address it. I didn’t stand there helpless and shoved his head away from the cake so the video wasn’t ruined … but yeah, mortification.

Sorry. If you want to really address his behavior you'd have to find a way to remove him from this, even if difficult. I'd have asked the near children to get up to let me through abd carried him out kicking and screaming if necessary. Its the only way to show this behavior will not be accepted. Its the natural consequence. If you can't be trusted to behave then you cant join in. And calmly leave.

I think things were better when kids feared their parents' disapproval. Including for the kids. Must be terrifying just being treated like the magic powers child in the twilight zone.

@dairydebris forgive me but I didn’t read it; it will just upset me and make me feel bad. I’ve told you it wasn’t possible to remove him; either you accept that or you don’t, really. It is one of those where you’d have to know the venue, size, proximity to the car park etc and I had another child too so I’d have had to drag ds out leaving child2 there alone then leave ds in the car alone while I got child2. Neither option is one I’m happy with.

perhaps most key though is this afternoon has been a lot easier … I think pelting about a soft play with his friends did him good. So that’s positive. And I’m actually feeling more positive too despite the food mishaps and I will also say in the interests of fairness ds and one of his mates were kind of winding one another up - it was very much six of one half a dozen of the other. I don’t think he’d have been that much of a pita in isolation. It’s one reason I’m going to choose his secondary very carefully!

I haven’t seen it @Pavementworrier but you know some children are more defiant and tricky than others. And if I think about some kids who have actually been properly abused by their parents - who you’d think are terrified of them - they are often the worst behaved.

problem is I get into a negative cycle easily with ds (don’t do that, get down, leave that alone, get off her, put it down, get DOWN) and don’t acknowledge the good. And there is good. But he’s definitely having a challenging period!