How unreasonable am I being? (Funeral related)

[Bizn]

DH’s aunt died a few weeks ago and her funeral is on Monday. DH told me 2 weeks ago the date and time of the funeral. I met her once but obviously he wants me to go with him.

Since the funeral date was given to me we’ve had Christmas and various other things - this morning I was asked if I could pick my grandson up from school Monday evening. I completely forgot about the funeral and agreed as well as arranging to take grandson for a treat after school which he’s looking forward to. My daughter has now committed to an appointment Monday evening.

I’ve mentioned to DH twice that I’m picking him up from school Monday - he’s not mentioned the funeral once so clearly he hasn’t twigged on either.

I’ve just seen the scribbled note with the funeral details on. I really don’t know what to do! I suffer with social anxiety and I’m autistic so naturally, I’d prefer not to go at all. I don’t know his family other than his mum and sisters - I’ve now committed to DD and DGS and on top of this I literally have nothing to wear for a funeral.

DH still hasn’t mentioned it!

How unreasonable am I being to tell him I can no longer go?

I assume funeral then pickup isn't an option?

You just need to get on top of it now. ‘Oh no i just realised it’s aunts funeral on Monday but I’ve committed to look after grandson and I can’t give back word because daughter has committed to…. I did ok it with you but you must have forgotten. I’m so sorry but you’ll be ok with your mum and sister there right’

Unfortunately not as funeral is 3pm and school is 3.15

Very!

What time is the funeral? Can you not manage to fit both things into your day? I am surprised that you hadn't noted the date in your diary.
Could DGS go to an after school club and you pick him up from there?
You can wear anything, within reason, to a funeral, it doesn't have to be black.

They start 15 minutes apart and I don’t have a diary.

DH doesn’t either and has clearly forgotten too otherwise he would have mentioned it when I told him I’d made plans for Monday

Really unreasonable, the funeral is a one off and you've known it for weeks. I'd call your daughter and cancel, she can reschedule the appointment but the funeral is set. Would you be okay if your DH planned something else at the last minute when you were wanting his support?

Your daughter can cancel her appointment, your husband's aunt can't cancel being dead. You need to fess up now while there's still time for your daughter to rearrange things, missing a funeral because you can't write on a calendar or make a note on an app is poor form.

I would be disappointed if I was your husband. Your daughter needs to make othrr arrangements for grandchild.

YABU, does the school have an afterschool club?

I think you're being massively unreasonable and hurtful.

If i was your husband I also wouldn't buy that you forgot when you clearly didn't want to go.

It doesn't matter that DD 'committed' to something in the afternoon. YOU committed to a funeral.

@Bizn that's you told. Get thee to the funeral. Simple.
Childcare is not your problem. Show respect 💚

YABU, your daughter needs to sort her own childcare, be more respectful

Funeral was set.
Wear any respectable warm muted clothing.
Phone DD straight away and cancel.

Otherwise pick up GS at lunch time and take him to the funeral.
You committed to DH first.

My aunt died 6 weeks ago. My husband (married 40 years) met her twice. He offered to come, but I went by myself. He didn’t know her - and I wasn’t close to her, so it’s not an issue. Talk to your husband and see why he thinks is best.

you hardly know her, DH can go in his own

Oh stop it. He's forgotten too, he's obviously not that bothered. It's his aunt that OP met once, he doesn't need her there.
If it was even a slightly big deal to him, he wouldn't have forgotten about it.

Speak to your DH.

I would say you need to have a clear conversation with your DH asap. But tbh your excuses to try and get out of going are poor. If you don’t have a diary (paper or digital) how do you keep track of your own appointments etc?

If it’s his aunt, surely there will be other family members there to support him (whatever that means). Pick your grandson up but at least have the decency to tell him that you’re not going because you don’t think it’s necessary and don’t hide behind other excuses.

Best way to answer this is reverse it and imagine you were your husband - how would you feel?

You barely know the woman I don’t know why your DH needs you to be there, he is an adult. Presumably other family members will be going. They can’t have been overly close if you have only met her once!!

I think the best thing to do is go to DH and say you very upset with yourself but you just realised you've double-booked and can't let DD down, you're really sorry and feel bad as you know he wanted you to go with him. Is there anything else useful you can offer him like drop and collect him so.he can.have an excuse to leave quickly (for instance)?

She did actually!

Is there a reason that you don’t have a physical diary or calendar or use the obe on your phone OP because not using one seems to be causing you some stress and inconvenience.