How unreasonable am I being? (Funeral related)

[Bizn]

DH’s aunt died a few weeks ago and her funeral is on Monday. DH told me 2 weeks ago the date and time of the funeral. I met her once but obviously he wants me to go with him.

Since the funeral date was given to me we’ve had Christmas and various other things - this morning I was asked if I could pick my grandson up from school Monday evening. I completely forgot about the funeral and agreed as well as arranging to take grandson for a treat after school which he’s looking forward to. My daughter has now committed to an appointment Monday evening.

I’ve mentioned to DH twice that I’m picking him up from school Monday - he’s not mentioned the funeral once so clearly he hasn’t twigged on either.

I’ve just seen the scribbled note with the funeral details on. I really don’t know what to do! I suffer with social anxiety and I’m autistic so naturally, I’d prefer not to go at all. I don’t know his family other than his mum and sisters - I’ve now committed to DD and DGS and on top of this I literally have nothing to wear for a funeral.

DH still hasn’t mentioned it!

How unreasonable am I being to tell him I can no longer go?

Your husband can go on his own.
I would not miss time with my grandson.

@Bizn you say, do you still need me to come to the funeral only I’ve made a mistake and told daughter I’ll do abc and now she’s booked to do xyz.

Im going to the funeral, DH has just bought me a new outfit bless him. As far as funeral attire goes - DH has been told it’s a black tie job. I’ve bought black trousers and a black woolly coat - top wise … black top would be too much right? I’ve not been to a funeral for many years.

thank you all for your thoughts and advice

Sounds like you need to get yourself a family calendar. Everything needs to go on there and then you won’t miss anything.

DH can go on his own surely?

You need a calendar and to get organised.

The replies on here make me laugh. If roles were reversed you would all be saying DH is unreasonable and should be there to support his wife.

You have over committed for which you should apologise - but really for an aunt you have barely met that’s / suggests he barely kept in touch with / i would suggest he can go by himself / with the rest of his family
wdit missed the update

Sounds like a good solution - and well done for conquering your worries.

Any smartish top would be fine with your new trousers and coat.

What time is the funeral abd how far is it if you/hubby are driving?

I don’t get why once you knew you didn’t say to dh ive fucked up. Sorry. Said I would look after grandson

instead you said nothing and expect him to say something

Any smart top should be ok with the black coat. Very chilly at the moment (esp if it’s church) so maybe a smart jumper?

So do you say to your daughter you can’t now pick her child up

confused

I would not.

Suddenly the outfit is the most important thing? Now you’re happy to go because you’ve been bought new clothes? Very strange. You just dress smartly and (if applicable) in dark colours. New clothes are not needed - unless his aunt is a minor royal?!

I am glad you are supporting your husband though, but I do think “where’s bizn!” “Oh she’s on grandma duty as Susan needed help with the little one today and there was no one else coukd step in . She sends her condolences “ is fine too.
i am assuming the aunt was elderly and people know that life goes on.

Have you got a white/cream/grey blouse or jumper? Or even light blue , purple is also considered a funeral colour as long as it’s not too bright

No Im definitely not happy to go, im absolutely dreading it and am an anxious mess. The clothes was just one small part of the anxiety lifted off it but the rest is still there - believe me.

sorry I had not understood you were so anxious about it. I thought the dilemma was the diary clash. As you are now committed, how about this?…. Put on new clothes so you feel nice, focus on the singing snd readings to give your mind something to do. Let your husband tske the lead with seeing people snd just be with him and nod snd smile as needed? Could you make an early dart after the service to help with the childcare so you don’t need to mingle at the do? Perfectly reasonable . Good luck

Unfortunately not as the family are big drinkers and it’s a pub do afterwards … I’m teetotal so I’ve been drafted in as transport home 😭 honestly I could cry. I’m so socially anxious and socially awkward

When I read this, for a minute I interpreted ‘black tie’ as dinner jackets, etc. - seemed very fancy for a funeral. Then the penny dropped!

So who is picking up the grandchild ?

It's an aunt he's not close to. Not every adult needs "support" all the time. I see from the OP's update she's going..personally I'd have kept the childcare arrangement.

I’m teetotal so I’ve been drafted in as transport home 😭 honestly I could cry.

Is that the reason your husband wanted you to go?

Op, for the social awkwardness thing...one thing that usually works if you really have to go and interact is to ask questions. Most people like talking about themselves so practice an interested face and feed the questions about what they do, how they knew X, what their kids are up to, whatever. That way your contribution is "really?", "tell me more?,"do they enjoy uni"?, " what are their plans for...". and so on. Lots of smiling and encouraging nods.

Or, he realised OP had forgotten and kept his powder dry waiting for her to realise and correct it. I’ve had people like this in my life, that agree things and then let you down. No point arguing the toss, just watch and wait and eventually assess whether you still want someone who forgets important things around you.