You change forever after losing loved ones?

[Chinsupmeloves]

Silly question I know, of course you do! However, when it becomes more frequent and the bereavement is for especially close loved ones, this hits so hard.

Once upon a time you were young and carefree, your main focus in life was yourself and how much you could enjoy it. Then as you get older you start to lose loved ones, both family and friends. Some were older and natural causes, others were young sudden and a shock.

Does anyone else feel a sort of 'compound' grief? Each loss reminds us how fragile and unpredictable life is and the weight missing them becomes that bit heavier.

When in the deepest mourning, the world goes on around us but we're not in it. Experiencing this detached sense of being is profound and has a lasting effect.

Then, of course, we have to move forward and continue to function for our families and work. Meanwhile there is another hole in our hearts and it's hard and cruel.

I know most of us will experience this, unless very lucky, but it will happen at some point.

Sorry for the long ruminating, back to the point, has bereavement changed your longterm perspective on life? Time may heal a bit but you never forget and to live in a new reality of those you loved so much not being there anymore.

Xxx

I think you’re right when you say it’s a new reality. Time passes and you feel differently about the loss. The pain is much less sharp. More like a memory of a pain.

sorry meant to add: I don’t think it’s changed me as such, but I now have more empathy for people who have also suffered a loss.

Some of us live with grief from a very young age.

It's always been an old friend that's made me seize life from the off.

I agree. We lost both my SIL and my husband’s uncle to suicide within 7 months of each other, then another uncle to old age a year later. And that’s just on his side of things. The impact has been profound and I feel quite lost a lot of the time, because I have a teen son to support, as well as my husband, and had known all of them for more than 25 years.

We can never unhave the experience we now do. And we’re of course reaching a point where our parents on both sides are that much older and we will in a few years be the oldest in the family. Which is quite a sobering thought. I probably need counselling. Or therapy, or something.

Yes. After I lost my mum I lost my trust in life. Because that was when I really understood that no matter how much you do to protect yourself, how much happiness you have around you, death can come from nowhere and destroy it all.
Don't get me wrong, my life is happy now, I'm not preoccupied with dark thoughts, but I'm more wary, cautious and can never really let myself completely relax and look forward with confidence. Because that's what I was like before, and I'll not be caught off guard again.

Yes.
Rev. Richard Coles did a great documentary on grieving after he lost his husband; he said it was like becoming a member of some kind of terrible secret club, that no one understands unless they are in it.

I agree that it’s cumulative. I thought I would get better as a person, more empathetic, and maybe some people do, but I feel as if every loss makes me harder and more superficial.

I lost my beautiful nephew last year. Watching a child die has not only fundamentally changed me as a person, it's changed every aspect of my life, of my children's lives. As a family I don't think we'll ever be the same, even in happy moments there is always a heavy background of sadness. I think grief also changes how your brain works, I definitely feel very different.

No. Not in the slightest. People die. Both of my parents are dead. It’s part of life. My perspective on life hasn’t changed at all.

Hi,

I'm sorry your having a hard time there. It sounds difficult.

I had two massive bereavements before the age of 8 and it was very hard for a long time, and time didn't heal anything at all.

However, I went to see a very nice clinical psycholoigst when I was in my early 40s and over a period of several years she helped me to sort it all out.

In the end, the grief did completely resolve and the memories just went away. After that I was able to live completely in the present, in my current life, without my mind being dominated by memories.

It was much better and I would definitely recommend it.

I think the other thing after that is probably helping with youth organisations if you can. So many kids need a village around them and it's hard to feel sad with little kids zinging about the place.

Good luck there and I hope things look up for you.

For me yes. Grief has changed me forever.

Compound grief is a good way of putting it. I cry a lot more - at other people’s tragedies, at moments of unbelievable joy, at the poignant reminders of people I’ve lost. I am also more spiritual, more easy-going, less inclined to work my butt off for the Boss.

Yes and no. I lost one of my parents and a grandparent within a year and both were relatively young. While it was painful at the time, I don't experience a profound hole... but the experience of loosing both of them very suddenly and without warning reminded me that life is short and that I should live it to the fullest. So yes, I suppose, it changed me but maybe not in a way you mean.

My mum died young from cancer and that was obviously a huge shock. Since dad dropped dead from a heart attack I've just hsd a real.feeling of almost loneliness, despite having DH and kids, like I'm just alone in the world. I can't shake it. Over Christmas we spent a lot of time with inlaws and that has made it worse.

I completely agree. Both my parents are gone, one for 15 years and the other for 2. It sounds silly but I feel a deep pain of being an orphan despite being in my 40's. Grief sits with you forever..you go on and it may not feel so visceral, but then bubbles straight back to the surface like a gut punch when a memory or trigger pops up. People wonder when it gets better......any day now God willing.......

Yes i feel similar to you , to me the loss of loved ones over the years ,all elderly but still fun contributing members of our family feel like carrying a rucksack on your back and each loss is another weight in the bag, it's there with you and you carry it with a resignation that that's the way things are and there's nothing you can do but to carry on .
My family on both sides have been long living thankfully and didn't look or 'act' their age and the losses i have experienced i hadn't really prepared for , can you prepare ? even though they were elderly.
These losses have changed the dynamics somehow ie family gatherings and i sometimes long for the past.
I still have my mom and i feel for her too as the losses in our family must have had a profound effect on her she is stoic and grateful for the family we have, but i know she must carry her own rucksack.
As i get older i am acutely aware of the fragility of life but life does go on and there is a lot of joy still to come i hope.

My lovely mum died 4 years ago. I grieved her deeply and missed her every day. I don’t think the loss of her changed me as a person though.

My darling daughter died, aged 24, 2 months ago. I know that I am changed forever. There will never be any joy for me again. There is no prospect of recovery for me from this loss.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce I’m so so sorry

I think it does change you. We lost our daughter at 21 weeks, 22 years ago. Before that I was a happy carefree 22 yr old, I went to the darkest depths anyone can go to and came out a totally different person. While I am not miserable, i have good and bad days and no longer a happy, carefree person

I lost my mum and uncle a year ago within five days and it was very sad of course but they were both in their 80,s and had a lived a very good life
My Aunt died on new years day again very sad but she was 89 surrounded by her children ,I think in thees circumstances however sad death is part of life
Losing a child or someone young is different. And far more tragic.

This is what I came to say, too.

My husband of 40 years died 2 years ago today.

It has definitely changed me and our adult children. My life for a while was mostly in limbo, with stark moments of horrible clarity.

Everything we had worked towards was shut off and rebuilding a life, navigating a single future is brutal.

I’m lucky to have choices and security but emotionally, it’s like staring into the abyss, because you lose all your points of reference

I will be ok, but I will never be the same.

I agree. Grief has completely changed me & my life. I’m physically & emotionally different. I’m building myself back up, but I will never be the same again.

I’m in my 40s and have lost a parent, other relatives and friends my own age; those deaths are shocking.
I’m more likely to just do it now I’m acutely aware that time is finite. I don’t put things on the long finger.

My lovely dad died in his sleep suddenly age 79 4 years ago.
It has changed me a lot. We were very close and had a lot in common. I was the last person he spoke to on this earth.

I m 57 now and my mum is 84. I dread losing her but accept it will happen.

I think once your parents go it's so different. You are next in line. Nobody stands between you and death.

I will never truly get over it. I have lost my rock, the one man who loved and supported me and would have sacrificed everything for me.

My son looks very like my dad when he was younger and that is a comfort. He's also very similar in personality.

For context my dad did a lot of childcare and raising me when most men did not as my mother was ill a lot in my childhood.

I carry on his legacy. He was a good person who helped anyone and I try to do the same.

There will always be an emptiness in me now.

You're not wrong. I've lost very close people relatively young, in my 30's. It's hard, at first, not to ask "why me?". I used to be envious of many people I knew in their 30 to 60's and above who hadn't ever lost anyone close to them, that they couldn't possibly understand.

These days I wake up every day and I am thankful that I have lasted another day, that I'm still alive and still well aware that any time life can unexpectedly throw us a curve ball.