You change forever after losing loved ones?

[Chinsupmeloves]

Silly question I know, of course you do! However, when it becomes more frequent and the bereavement is for especially close loved ones, this hits so hard.

Once upon a time you were young and carefree, your main focus in life was yourself and how much you could enjoy it. Then as you get older you start to lose loved ones, both family and friends. Some were older and natural causes, others were young sudden and a shock.

Does anyone else feel a sort of 'compound' grief? Each loss reminds us how fragile and unpredictable life is and the weight missing them becomes that bit heavier.

When in the deepest mourning, the world goes on around us but we're not in it. Experiencing this detached sense of being is profound and has a lasting effect.

Then, of course, we have to move forward and continue to function for our families and work. Meanwhile there is another hole in our hearts and it's hard and cruel.

I know most of us will experience this, unless very lucky, but it will happen at some point.

Sorry for the long ruminating, back to the point, has bereavement changed your longterm perspective on life? Time may heal a bit but you never forget and to live in a new reality of those you loved so much not being there anymore.

Xxx

My DH died by suicide last year, and it has changed my outlook on life fundamentally. Watching my DDs grieve him has been the worst experience for me.
I find it hard to feel happy without guilt that I’m still here and he’s not kicking in straight away, even though it was his choice to not be here any more.
We’re all in therapy individually, which is helping, but it’s still very hard.
Love to everyone else grieving on this thread 💗

Sending hugs, I think the loss of a child goes deeper than any of us can imagine and I am truly sorry you’re having to navigate this. 😔

I lost a baby at my delayed 20 week scan. The process of giving birth was extremely traumatic and I nearly died. If that was not enough, I grieved in the most awful way possible afterwards and you can see the change on face in photos. I couldn’t even find joy in my living child. I just hung on to that grief and it broke me. When my mum died 8 years later I just knew I couldn’t step on that path of grief and actively took steps to make that grieving process different. I still grieved but I was so scared of that pit of despair sucking the life out of me I knew it had to be done differently. I have changed since my mother left our lives but I forced myself to live this time.

I’m so sorry, but pleased to hear you seized life.

Being widowed at 45 after 22 years of marriage changed me. That is the sort of grief that most people never experience. Completely different to losing your parents and grandparents.

Yes. Only because you realise it’s actually not that big a deal after the first loss which can floor you. Now it’s just a fact of life and I don’t worry about losing others or dying myself.

It’s only been six months since I lost my twin. I’m so devastated I can’t imagine life ever getting back to ‘normal’

Yes. I don't think I will ever be the same since losing my Dad. Three years on, I still feel a huge Dad shaped hole in the pit of my stomach. Just days before he died, and we knew the end was coming, I promised him I would be happy. That promise has stuck with me and gave me the strength to leave an abusive relationship shortly afterwards. I am happy now and in a lovely new relationship. I hate that my dad died worried about me and isn't here to see how far I have come since. I still can't think about my Dad without filling up. So yes, losing my Dad changed everything for me.

My friend died at 24 in a car accident. I will never stop thinking of her mother when the police knocked at her door. Ever. I think about it often.

My dad died young of cancer. He died 4 weeks after suspected diagnosis – didn’t even live long enough to actually be diagnosed. I haven’t ever stopped thinking about those 4 weeks.

What age of person who died are you talking about?

When my brother died 30 years ago, I was consumed by ideas of death (not suicide or fear of my own or others' deaths). His death, though premature, was entirely expected. In a significant way I feel it has disfigured me: I think about death so frequently. My life has been useful, generally happy and so I didn't languish. I've lost count of the number of deaths since, including my parents, MIL, relations and friends, so many untimely now I think of it.

After my DH died suddenly nearly 10 years ago it was very different. Looking back I can see I was in shock for days and days, though I worked and lived my life through it all, and still do. The bits that he made, the fun bits, are all gone. My life has a hole in it. He would be so pissed off about me feeling this way.

Ah, this hit me. I don't know why. I lost my mum and brother as a young teen so I know premature death. What you said about your husband is really sad. I'm sure he would just want you to be happy. Easier said than done though right?

Absolutely agree with this. My entire life I’ve never known a life without death.

Also; everything changes us. Good and bad experience. They all make us who we are. Death is 100% part of life.

I lost my dad when I was 10. It literally destroyed me. I've not been the same since (33 years later)

A friend whose child was born profoundly disabled described the feeling of life before and after as like walking through a door that no one else in your world can follow you through. You’ve stepped into a new version of reality where you’re essentially alone with your thoughts and emotions, and though you may be physically surrounded by friends and family, only other people who’ve experienced the same thing can truly see and hear and understand you.

I think it’s a good way of describing all kinds of traumatic events, including very significant bereavements. We’re all walking through those doors and crossing those thresholds at different points in our lives, but some people find themselves having to do it frequently, and some people have to cross thresholds where mercifully few of us can follow. We’ll all experience the loss of a parent, but those who lose a child move through a door into a completely different world. And losing someone to old age, no matter how deep and lasting the grief, is very different to the shock of losing someone suddenly through illness or accident.

It can place you at a distance from those around you who haven’t necessarily experienced such loss, and feel very lonely and isolating, leading to that feeling of ‘compound grief’, and of living life in a slightly altered state of consciousness.

Life’s hard, but much harder for some than others. Sending love to everyone who is grieving or struggling x

My dad died when I was very young, I lost a much wanted baby at 14 weeks and then my husband died a year later when I was 27. His death completely hollowed me out and I've never been the same. Grief takes you to some very dark places and it's always there, reminding you of its presence no matter how hard you try to ignore it.

I’m so sorry for your loss x

I've recently lost my sister. Mostly I'm the same person but something deep down has changed. There's now a more 'fuck it, what's the point?'approach alongside I'm going to do everything I want. It's early days so I don't know if this feeling will last.

Goodness, hat’s a very unfair amount of loss for you to bear @smallglassbottle my heart goes out to you 💛

My Father died in an RTA aged 22. I was 12 weeks old. I have 1 photograph of him holding me. My Mother had a breakdown from which she never really recovered so in some ways I lost them both (she somehow blamed me & I had an awful childhood). In 2022 my Partner died. 6 weeks later my mother died. Both were complicated by covid. In 2023 my 19 y/o son nearly died from heart failure, post covid. He had very poor treatment & is still not fully recovered. I'm scared he won't outlive his grandfather (whom he looks so like). Last summer I began to have aortic spasms. My heart literally hurts. Grief steals lightheartedness.

Yes. Parents dying caused the grief you'd expect, but it was something I dreaded from childhood and expected. When my friend died suddenly it just seemed so unnatural. I dread thinking of the future and who'll be gone in another few years. It's like people are being picked off randomly.

I think you are lucky. Losing parents is hard but the natural order. Losing children or young siblings or young husbands or wives is another pain entirely.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and when I have more time tomorrow I endeavour to reply personally.

As I had expected, so many personal experiences and impacts. It can make you more hardened at a young age, nothing could hurt as much, completely understand. Also, it's always a part of us but move forward; some can compartmentalise, others carry the weight forever.

Guess I just admit I'm struggling, not woe me, I just do yet hide it. I'm finding it hard to get over losing close loved ones. The most recent has been my BFF, same age as me, huge hole, such a cruel and senseless end to a vibrant life, leaving DC, her parents saying goodbye to their daughter 😢

I lost both my parents in my 30s. Both losses changed me in different ways and changed my relationships with others still here forever I saw unpleasant sides of some people and confirmed the people I can truly count on.

I lost a sibling when I was 12 years old - it does change you as a person but also as a family. Our family was never and could never be the same again, it's been many years now and we still feel the loss. My parents were forever changed after losing their child, there is a sadness that you carry that never goes away.