Why do kids always pander to the mean kids?

[Scrubadubdub1]

There is a really nasty piece of work in my 9 year old DD’s class. She starts rumours, she puts “friends”down and always has to be better at everything and will very bluntly let them know it, she enjoys watching others discomfort to the point it’s almost disturbing, she is extremely cutting but will claim “it was just a joke” then turn the tears on and claim “so and so is being mean to me!!!!”, if anyone else is ever receiving praise or attention even if this is when they’re upset, she will find a way to engineer the spotlight back onto herself. She is insufferable. As you may have guessed, my DD has been upset too many times to count by this horrible girl, I have spoken to school numerous times and they have been totally ineffective.
Im doing all I can to build up DD’s confidence and make sure she has fun things planned for weekends, she goes to lots of clubs, but what absolutely baffles me is how this kid is pandered to by the others in the class. She’s invited to every party, despite being such a piece of work. She’s never called out on anything. I don’t understand how nobody sees through it, I know full well enough of them have been on the receiving end of it. DD tries her best to stay well away from her, but because this girl seems to have everyone in her thrall, I do worry this means DD is then by default avoiding most of the girls in the class at break times as they’re always with the mean girl who she wants to stay away from.
someone with experience of this stuff, please shed some light or impart some wisdom to make me feel better about it all please! DD is genuinely the most lovely little girl, she’s so kind and gentle, and in summary it really winds me up that she finds herself on the edge of the class in a bid to avoid someone who is truly horrible and I can’t see how nobody seems to see it!

I think sometimes bad behaviour goes unchallenged because its difficult and upsetting to take on. So people take the easy option. I know someone like this- she has been awful her whole life and got away with it for years. I once asked one of the adults in the family why they let it go and they said it was just easier.

@WhatIsTheCharge your comment really rankles me - I know plenty of only children (am a teacher) and this isn’t a reason for this behaviour

Some good books

https://www.amazon.com/Bullies-Bigmouths-so-called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840#averageCustomerReviewsAnchor

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stick-Up-Yourself-Personal-Self-Esteem/dp/1631983229

I talked a lot to my kids and my youth group about healthy friendships, resilience and fake friends. Not being nice to people who are mean, ignoring vs confronting etc
Quite a hard social skill tbh it's very tricky but you sound like you're doing all the right things

I said what I said because I was responding to the OPs first post, and it could have been six of one and half a dozen of another at that point.

Obviously you have had the benefit of all the OPs subsequent updates which does indeed paint a different picture.

I think you should tell the school that this child is causing problems and ask the form teacher to separate her from your child, and keep them apart. Tell the other parents (quietly!) that you've done this.
During my teaching career, I once had a Year10 class turn on the sweet-faced bully in their midst. Her parents complained loudly about Miss Precious being victimised, but I had great pleasure in telling the avenging deputy head that she'd had it coming. It cost me my coffee break, but it was worth it...

As PP said: no one wants to be on the receiving end. But sadly if they are cool enough ( sporty, rich, attractive, funny) they will get away with it and still have friends/ be a leader/ popular person. You need to help your kid understand that not everyone will be a good friend and find friends elsewhere. It can be tricky if kids still want to hang around with that mean kid and they become a whipping boy / girl.

There is one of these in DD's year. Apparently if someone refuses to play with her she tells on them and they get into trouble. If they play with her and don't do what she tells them, she tells saying they have been mean and they get in trouble. I said to her to not worry about gettting in trouble and i would back her but the thought of being told off gives her anxiety. So DD and I worked on a strategy where if this girl asks to play she says OK in a very neutral way, and then plays with her in a very 'boring' way, not saying no but not showing much enthusiasm. Basically does enough to not get in trouble but this other child quickly bores of her and leaves her alone.

Because when we did Brexit, we no longer have the same access to Europe’s markets and rely more on America economically than we did previously. Farage’s party have been paid off with Russian money and Brexit hurt us economically and politically.

I don’t mean that’s the reason for the child’s behaviour…..I meant the mum.

The way OP describes the mum’s unhinged behaviour seems to me like she’s not used to dealing with child-on-child conflict in her own house, so her DD always needs to come out on top because that’s the status-quo at home. If the child doesn’t have any of the normal, sibling spats at home, mum doesn’t experience refereeing that. So when her kid feels slighted or upset at school she can’t handle that either

The kids are scared of her.
If they're her friend, she's more likely to be nicer to them. If she's not their friend, she'll be even more horrible to them.

Dd at primary used to read in the library or hang out with the gentler boys.

At 17 Dd is extremely popular now because she is kind, good fun and glamorous. The mean girl who is not any of these things is now quiet and meek. Time may well resolve!

@TheaBrandt1 this is what I can’t get my head around, DD is genuinely so lovely. She is kind, caring, friendly, doesn’t take herself too seriously, very pretty/well presented, she is known as a soft touch in her class because she doesn’t argue back, she doesn’t run to the teacher to tell tales, basically however much role play I do with her, chats we have, however much I encourage outside of school activities and friendships and make sure she is always really well presented, whatever I do to try and build/protect her self esteem, it doesn’t seem to work and she gets continually targeted by this horrible girl and any other kid who fancies joining a pile on ☹️

Well the mother sounds like a nasty piece of work herself! Who the hell flags down other parents cars to demand why her child hasn’t been played with?! She’s manipulative and also teaching her child the same shitty behaviour hence she also has a victim mentality. Hideous.

I can guarantee that the other parents are wary and intimidated by the mother and don’t want to get on her bad side either. Which is pathetic but from experience, a lot of parents toe the line and keep quiet because they don’t want their child to become ostracised/unpopular.

so it’s no wonder that the kid is turning out to be a little shit. She’s observing and learning all of this from her own mother!

the problem is that this kid sounds so sly and devious that she’s probably doing things that the teachers aren’t seeing. Having said that they should take your concerns seriously rather than just brushing it off.

Really not sure what the answer is apart from your daughter keeping a wide berth or alternatively a hard slap or punch might just do the trick. The nasty little bitch deserves it.

Jelaousy?

Had experience with a similar scenario, twice. Parent was as much work as a child, queen bee type of dynamic and there was no point approaching them. Finding a group of friends who were not bothered with being 'popular' and more able to resist the pull into the drama circle helped, but yes, it was frustrating and difficult experience on both occassions. Happened around the same age too as your DD.

They’re afraid of being the next target, so they suck up.
There was one such in my form at senior school. She was a tiny little thing, but absolutely poisonous. She gathered a little coven around her, who joined in with her nastiness and bullying.

It died down a bit as they got older, at least by 6th form, but that chief bully went on to be a primary teacher, and I’ve often felt for the poor kids who were landed with her.

thanks for your replies. I just feel really sad for DD. She’s so kind, and she deserves better than to be born picked on by a child who I’m sure has narcissistic traits, and ignored by the rest of the class because theyre either too busy doing their own thing to take any notice of the kind, friendly kid who never causes any issues or they’re frightened of being a target.