Why do kids always pander to the mean kids?

[Scrubadubdub1]

There is a really nasty piece of work in my 9 year old DD’s class. She starts rumours, she puts “friends”down and always has to be better at everything and will very bluntly let them know it, she enjoys watching others discomfort to the point it’s almost disturbing, she is extremely cutting but will claim “it was just a joke” then turn the tears on and claim “so and so is being mean to me!!!!”, if anyone else is ever receiving praise or attention even if this is when they’re upset, she will find a way to engineer the spotlight back onto herself. She is insufferable. As you may have guessed, my DD has been upset too many times to count by this horrible girl, I have spoken to school numerous times and they have been totally ineffective.
Im doing all I can to build up DD’s confidence and make sure she has fun things planned for weekends, she goes to lots of clubs, but what absolutely baffles me is how this kid is pandered to by the others in the class. She’s invited to every party, despite being such a piece of work. She’s never called out on anything. I don’t understand how nobody sees through it, I know full well enough of them have been on the receiving end of it. DD tries her best to stay well away from her, but because this girl seems to have everyone in her thrall, I do worry this means DD is then by default avoiding most of the girls in the class at break times as they’re always with the mean girl who she wants to stay away from.
someone with experience of this stuff, please shed some light or impart some wisdom to make me feel better about it all please! DD is genuinely the most lovely little girl, she’s so kind and gentle, and in summary it really winds me up that she finds herself on the edge of the class in a bid to avoid someone who is truly horrible and I can’t see how nobody seems to see it!

Also how do I help my DD stand up to her when she targets her? She will do sly shitty things like throw a ball at her then give her a loser sign before giving her little mate a thumbs up to signal she’d got her.
DD is very intimidated by her and doesn’t ever tell a teacher because she’s worried about the repercussions of being accused of “being mean to X” - I then speak to the teachers only to get stupid responses like “yes, this is girls for you…” 😳

Shit school ethos add to the problem as lots of schools push the "lets all be friends" and your DD is taught and expected to forgive the nasty action because its easier for the school to manage than try to get her parents to work with the school to stop her being a bully.

And mostlt parents of victims dont want to make a fuss because they fear she will focus on their child full time.

Have you been pushed into going into the school and getting them put their anti-bully policy to work and come up with a proper plan of action to protect your child?

If you have do you think they can actually manage to prevent your child being bullied?

@Shenanigany I don’t dislike the mum as a person, she’s perfectly pleasant to make small talk with, I don’t like how her daughter behaves and that she encourages her child to act the way she does.

Edited: Sorry, I thought you were talking about OP. My mistake.

This. I've met a few kids like this and it always ends the same, no one wants to be friends with them by the end

There's a mean girl in my daughters class ( Yr6 ) and she is constantly trying to draw DD in just so she can make a point of leaving her out or being unkind

My DD has got really wise to it now though & is polite but keeps her distance.

All you can do is encourage your DD to make friends with different children

@Shenanigany i do think flagging down cars to complain a child has played with someone else is unbelievable. And I do think the sense of entitlement is bratty. But when she’s not doing that she’s ok 😂

That’s bullying! And unacceptable! If the head isn’t going to do anything about it, go to the governors of the school. They will come down hard on the head / teachers to get this sorted.

This. I work in a school and it’s this.

These children don’t change as they grow up. They become draining, bullying adults.

@Shenanigany I know of at least 3 parents who have approached her to talk about her daughter’s behaviour and she shuts it down immediately and says it doesn’t sound like her. When I say fawning; I mean the whole asking is she ok routine - maybe the first 20 times, but when it’s every day for 4 years now, and she’s got a reputation for being unkind, surely just ignore it

A girl in my DDs class exactly like this! Even does the head down sad face coming out of class. Gets invited to all the parties, gets lesds in all the plays. Torments everyone in the class.
Edited to add: Createausername1970
What are you on about? Why should Ops DD make an effort to improve the relationship?

@RosieSpring how do you advise your DD to manage it? And are your school any better at sorting it out?!

It took at long time, my DD was coming out of school upset at least once a week. I kept talking to her and let her talk to me about it. Now my DD tells her you arent being nice to me today so I'm not playing with you. I did have to involve the school at one point and they dealt with it quickly. The only thing that worked was telling the school they have a duty of care and my DD was being bullied.

Why does Starmer pander to Trump?

There is a girl like this in DDs class. I encourage DD to play with the boys, didn’t make her invite this girl to her party, and when I can I make DH pick the kids up for school so I don’t have to deal with her mother lol.
I also taught her to greyrock this girl, explained it in a simplified way though as she’s 6, but it works alright for her. She knows DD isn’t a good target because she doesn’t react much. I think it helps she knows I won’t make her invite this girl anywhere and that even if her mum does whine at us, me and her dad won’t tell her off for not playing with her.

There was a girl like this in my class. Let’s call the bully Bella.

My family complained to the school but they did nothing, just the usual ‘girls will be girls’ nonsense.

At that time a new student with a learning disability joined us from another school. She appeared quiet and placid.

But when our resident bully attempted to tease this new girl in the toilets, she immediately kicked Bella in the stomach, winding her. Everyone watching did nothing. Then as Bella was doubled up, she was kicked in the face, breaking her nose. There was blood all over the floor. The school finally did a proper investigation. Bella never bullied again. Soon after, we all went to different secondary schools.

Years later, I found out from a mutual acquaintance that Bella’s father was abusive and her home life must have been unhappy.

It was a mess that could have been solved earlier if the school had acted properly in the first place.

So the moral of the story is to hold the school to using their anti bullying policy. Complain to the governors. Take it as high as you need to.

The child in me feels that Bella got what she deserved but the adult in me wishes she had been protected.

This, absolutely!

Mostly fear of being picked on, but my 11yo puts up with a mean girl because she's worried that if she doesn't she'll lose the whole friendship group and she doesn't want to risk it 😔

Sounds like the alpha girl at our school's mum. She will side with her dd no matter what. I wonder if she bollocks her when home but I doubt it.

Arrange to speak to the school with the other parents. This child is a manipulative bully and her mother is as bad. Go to the school , then the board of governors. Don’t let this drop as children like this can cause real emotional damage to others.

People are trying to avoid confronting the parent. Who may be similar. But bigger.

The school should be doing some lessons on friendships and what makes a good friend. I’m sure there’s lots of pshe lessons online if they cared to look. Unfortunately the other girls are weak, equally as bad or scared too. Hopefully the wee madam will meet her match. Or she’ll continue to bully her way through life. Please don’t let this drop.