Partner paid for girls online

[Zobear]

I'm not sure what I want to gain from this post, maybe just to get it off my chest, or if anyone has been in a similar situation what they done etc.
As the title suggests, my partner paid for girls on OF. I found out while I was pregnant with our first, we weren't living together at this point.
I saw a notification pop up that a subscription of £1.35 was about to come out. I stupidly didn't think too much about it but then later did some snooping, got onto the account but I couldn't find anything, confronted him about it, we argued, he said it was something from before we were together, we then decided to sort it out and I deleted the account.
Fast forward 9 months (after still thinking about this) I snooped and found that he had spent thousands on this website while we were together and while I was pregnant, the dates he had done it were after things like my birthday, Christmas, going on holiday together. It really made me sick to my stomach. In one single day he had spent over £500 on this site. Yuk. We argued again, I was more annoyed that he had lied saying it was before me. (Granted it started before me but still..he continued it while we were together) he even done it at bloody work.
Anyway, silly me worked it out with him, all the promises la-de-da. Fast forward a few months, he started searching these girls on google, images and videos all sorts (and I'm pregnant again with our second.) Whew the hurt i felt. I lost my sh*t.
Silly me again, I've stayed. I'm still hurt. I look at him so differently now, I feel like I'm not good enough, my looks aren't good enough for him or my body. It's a horrible feeling.
He's accepted he had a problem (I've called it an addiction) I've told him point blank he's out if he pulls any of that ever again.
If we ever have any petty arguments I'm bringing it up, I don't stop thinking about it, I cry often over it and I'm not quite sure how to stop feeling this way? Or even stop thinking about it. In my head he's cheated on me. And in a recent argument he said he paid to chat to them. So paying to chat to these girls online while with me.
He says I need to stop thinking about it because it's going to loom over us and break us apart, but I can't help it. It makes me feel physically sick. Literally it crosses my mind daily, I sometimes hate him for it. No idea what to do about it.
So there's my rant 🙃 inputs welcome but please no hate on me

Leave him
he doesn’t love or care for you or your children
he’s a pig
do you work? Your post suggests you aren’t married to him so that’s tricky
but honestly he’s a liar, cheat and spends family money on OF
he’s consistently shown you who is and what he values - listen to him and leave

I do work, on maternity leave though. More than capable of providing for myself and the kids, so I'm not afraid of that. It's just hard?
He literally put himself into debt for it. Which he's now paying off monthly but he has no money each month after our bills but I have no sympathy for that. We aren't married no.

In my experience, once the trust is broken, it’s gone. In my experience it just leads to terrible ongoing resentment which will break yous up in the end anyway.

With hindsight youve given him more chances than a lottery win. I suggest you think seriously about your future with this cretin and draw a line under the relationship.

Future proof yourself; when he’s old, grey and cant get it up and probably needs your support, you might still look back and resent the secretive $hit he’s been dipping into when you were at your most vulnerable.
I know what I’d do.

No hate on you but we live by the choices we make. You are choosing to stay with someone who treats you and your family this way. You are worth SO much more than this horrible person. Your good nature and ability to forgive is being taken advantage of. Do you have some family you could stay with or who could support you in telling him to leave? Think of how much better your life will be in 6 months, a year, 2 years when you are away from him. He WILL do this again, the trust is gone.

This man is a loser.

You need to get away from him as quickly as possible or he will destroy your self esteem and raise your DC to believe that women’s bodies can be bought and sold.

I don’t know how far along your pregnancy is, but you need to sort out some fail safe contraception as this is not a good father to your DC.

He doesn’t love you, he’s not kind to you, he’s a liar and a cheat and you deserve more than he has to offer, please believe that and don’t let him drag you down.

Sorry but its over. He has a porn addiction, he's spent thousands on it, its affecting your self esteem, what's to stay for? Years of feeling not good enough? Worrying where your money is going? Don't put yourself through it. You can get over a heartbreak quicker than you can get over your savings being spent and feeling like you are not good enough.

Just FYI it was his own money he spent not mine, I won't get a joint account. My money is my money not his, never will be

Well you’ve already shown him twice that you’ll stick around when he does this, so prepare for him to carry on. He might try to hide it a little better next time, but that’s the best you can hope for.

Let’s be honest he’s not going to change is he so you have a choice, accept this is who he is, it will happen again

or leave

i would be doing the latter

Good of him not to spend your money though. That’s real gallantry.

If it's not cheating if the woman's consent is purchased, how far is he allowed to go? 1:1 sexual chatting which for the price presumably allows him a happy ending online is cheating.

Relationships can recover from cheating with accountability and hard work from the cheating partner. "Get over it or you'll ruin us " is not accountability. If you want a happy relationship with someone who respects you, you have to refuse to be in one where you're not respected. Maybe he ends up growing up and you get back together. Maybe by that stage you're happy without him. But you can't just get over this.

Exactly this. I read something along the lines of ‘You’re only a victim once. After that you’re a volunteer’ and it applies here.

Emphasising that I would never use that phrase if there was DV or physical abuse of any sort.

But this is a sort of emotional abuse surely.

It probably does cross into that with the arguments etc, fair enough.

He's ruined two pregnancies for you which should be about showing you he loves you at your most vulnerable. I'd find this unforgivable. It's causing you a lot of pain clearly. Get rid of him xxx

Please leave. You and your children deserve better than this. And there are good men out there.

OP you’ve said in updates that you have separate money and that you can afford to be on your own. I think that helps you leave and it’s ducks in a row time.

It’s a MN classic but you definitely deserve better than this creep. He’s disrespecting you (massively) and the women he’s buying.

So he spent money on women online to watch them perform sex acts? Money that he could have been spending on his children. He spent so much money that he is now in debt. Have I got that correct?

Why have you not left already?! You have said you have your own financial independence, he is a waste of space that has made promises multiple times that he has broken, and that’s let alone his actual behaviour which is grim. Know. Your. Worth. 🙄

Sorry you are going through this.

The thing that stood out to me was this:

“I've told him point blank he's out if he pulls any of that ever again.”

but if he’s done this twice and you have take him back, is he really going to take this threat seriously?

I personally couldn’t live with this on my mind every day. peace of mind is invaluable. I’d leave (easier said than done I know)

Why are you still putting up with this behaviour? Let alone having a 2nd child with him?
If you are financially independent leave asap.

What do expect people to say?

I’m sorry OP, but have you no self-respect? How can you let a man treat you like this?

I do get frustrated with the sheer amount of weak-willed women who tolerate these waste of space men. Do you think so little of yourself??

This won't stop. He also can't possibly love you if hes doing this.

Don’t end up like me. I stayed twice (well actually I stayed because it’s my house) but I should have insisted he stayed gone and changed the locks. You won’t get over it fully. It’s been 5 years since the 1st time and 2.5 years since the 2nd time and sometimes when I think about having sex with him I think ‘nah, you wanted to look at someone else while I was downstairs looking after our kids didn’t you?’ That’s not normal. I don’t even look to see if he does it now (probs does and even if he doesn’t I will never believe him) because I don’t actually care and I wish he would leave. So yeah, go now while you can, I doubt he’ll change.

He's not bringing much to the party is he
You'd be better off without loser boy.