Partner paid for girls online

[Zobear]

I'm not sure what I want to gain from this post, maybe just to get it off my chest, or if anyone has been in a similar situation what they done etc.
As the title suggests, my partner paid for girls on OF. I found out while I was pregnant with our first, we weren't living together at this point.
I saw a notification pop up that a subscription of £1.35 was about to come out. I stupidly didn't think too much about it but then later did some snooping, got onto the account but I couldn't find anything, confronted him about it, we argued, he said it was something from before we were together, we then decided to sort it out and I deleted the account.
Fast forward 9 months (after still thinking about this) I snooped and found that he had spent thousands on this website while we were together and while I was pregnant, the dates he had done it were after things like my birthday, Christmas, going on holiday together. It really made me sick to my stomach. In one single day he had spent over £500 on this site. Yuk. We argued again, I was more annoyed that he had lied saying it was before me. (Granted it started before me but still..he continued it while we were together) he even done it at bloody work.
Anyway, silly me worked it out with him, all the promises la-de-da. Fast forward a few months, he started searching these girls on google, images and videos all sorts (and I'm pregnant again with our second.) Whew the hurt i felt. I lost my sh*t.
Silly me again, I've stayed. I'm still hurt. I look at him so differently now, I feel like I'm not good enough, my looks aren't good enough for him or my body. It's a horrible feeling.
He's accepted he had a problem (I've called it an addiction) I've told him point blank he's out if he pulls any of that ever again.
If we ever have any petty arguments I'm bringing it up, I don't stop thinking about it, I cry often over it and I'm not quite sure how to stop feeling this way? Or even stop thinking about it. In my head he's cheated on me. And in a recent argument he said he paid to chat to them. So paying to chat to these girls online while with me.
He says I need to stop thinking about it because it's going to loom over us and break us apart, but I can't help it. It makes me feel physically sick. Literally it crosses my mind daily, I sometimes hate him for it. No idea what to do about it.
So there's my rant 🙃 inputs welcome but please no hate on me

This is exactly how I feel.
Are you still with him? I'm sorry you've been through it too

You found out he was using these sites and you stayed.
You didn't trust him so you snooped and found not only was he was still doing it but it was a much bigger problem, in monetary terms, than you originally thought.
You believed his bullshit and not only stayed but decided to have another child with him.
You still didn't trust him, snooped again and found out that despite his promises and having children to support he is lying to you and still spending money on OF.
And you still haven't ended the relationship.

What reason does he have to change? You have shown him time and again you are not happy but you're not going anywhere.

He will not change. If this is not the life and relationship you want for yourself you need to leave. You have full knowledge of how he behaves so if you stay you will be choosing a deceitful man who would rather throw money at strangers for wanking material than use that money to support his family.

He is what he is, it's your call.

I understand why people are saying leave, of course. However - you have two children with this man. Perhaps if he were to receive help he might have a chance to prove himself to you (I understand he has let you down multiple times) but PROFESSIONAL help, therapy. It depends on how many ‘second’ chances you want to give. He’s acting like he’s got 9 lives, maybe you ought to put the fear in him?

On the other hand, I totally get why you would want to leave. It’s so sad he would place these women who just want his money above you. The modern world is a miserable place at times. I would withhold any sex until you feel like you’ve come to a decision. Hold your power! Be strong, it’ll be ok ❤️

As you have said silly you.
youre in this situation because you made the choice to be. You have all the information at hand, proof so what can anyone tell you?
if you stayed through the worst then nothing will make you leave. Don’t you want better for yourself, your kids? This man won’t change but you can choose how your life turns out.

Its not difficult, and you sound like you have a head on your shoulders ( no married/no bank sharing) but get ride of the lying, cheating bastard.

Yes. It’s pathetic I know. I don’t want him.

Yes silly you indeed. He's shown you exactly who he is and you're still with him? Honestly, just leave. You deserve SO much better than him!

My concern is this will eat you up inside until you're just a shadow of your former self.

OP the damage has been done and I'd bet a winning lottery ticket that you will never ever feel the same way about this man again.

I can imagine you're thinking of all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't leave - giving birth to his child without him there probably being right at the top of the list. For this reason, you will stay. It will happen again, but even if it doesn't. Can you spend the rest of your life with someone you despise?

Leave. You can support yourself and your kids. His attitude, if you stay together will pull you apart. You know he's a shit. He wants to belive he isn't. I, personally, think he is. But you both have different opinions on what makes a sound partner. Trying to make yourself different to suit him diminishes you. If you are smaller, then you are less effective as a parent. Again, my personal opinion, but he knows he's horrible. Just hoping he can pressure you into putting up with it.

This will eat away at you - you will resent him and hate him . That's not a relationship you want to model for your kids.