Feel DH went behind my back

[Djw12]

My husband and I agreed to go NC with his mother last year, after she deliberately lied about me and I caught her out (not the only reason, but this was the final straw) . I was able to prove that she was lying and deliberately trying to turn my husband against me. Once DH came to realise what she gad been doing he declared that we would not be doing anything with her and not taking our children around until his mother could apologies and admit to what she did. Anyway no apology came and we have been living a very peaceful drama free life. Yesterday my DS had been off school with his my DH in charge and i formed me that DH had taken him over to grandmas house for tea whilst i was in work. This felt like a massive, massive punch in the gut. I feel like DH went against everything we discussed and agreed on when it came to the children and I feel like he exposed our DS to someone who cannot be trusted. AIBU to feel like this? I wish for more than anything for our children to have a decent relationship with their only living GM, but at the same time I feel like it cannot be done whilst she has the ability to try and turn peopke against me with her lies! I know full well that a few more visits like that would end up with her getting back into DH head and DS’s head! For context DS is 9 and was glad to see his GM, I just wish he could have told me he planned to do it. AIBU?

Have you asked him why he didn’t speak to you first? Sounds like your child wants and deserves a relationship with their grandparent though, so you need to work on that. DH can facilitate it though, you don’t need to see her

I did, he didnt have a real reason. My children do deserve a relationship with their grandmother, but so much harm has already been done because of her. The arguments myself and DH used to have because of what she would start! Little seeds here and there, I couldn’t bare her doing it to my children and I couldn’t bare for them to go through the pain and disharmony we have had to go through because of her.

Also i don’t think DH would be able yo safely facilitate it,

What did she lie about?
this is a recurrent theme I see on here “DH and I have agree we’ll all go NC with his mum because of how I feel she treats me” then the thread like this of upset because dh and dc want to see the grandma, but the op never says what grandma did!

Clearly DH has just told you what you want to hear re his DM and doesn’t want to cut contact with her. If that’s the case you need to find a way to facilitate it without you seeing her because you can’t ask you DH to abandon his mum unless he’s 100% on board.

You really need to speak to your DH, but I don't think you're unreasonable. Has he apologised for going behind your back? I think there are two issues you need to try resolve with him: 1, the concerns about his mum and 2, the fact he's betrayed your trust.

thats a tough one OP.
i’m NC with my partners mum, however he and the children (fully facilitated by him, if he’s not around it doesn’t happen) still see her.
my eldest was quite affected by her behaviour towards me, I did encourage her to maintain contact with her, but I am on high alert and the second anything else has a knock on effect to my children I will be having a discussion with my partner about contact going forwards.
did you ask him why he didn’t discuss it with you first?

I agree with the PP it really depends what she did. There is a world of difference between telling you DH that you have hired a hitman to kill her trying to cause a rift between you two or telling DH that children need protein when you want to raise them vegan.

Clearly the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I can’t bear dishonesty or cowardice, and he’s demonstrated both.

How long have you got? Ill tell you the most recent one, She made up a story of me uploading an indecent image of her and posting it for all to see, which was ridiculous because “all” could clearly see that no picture was there, but we are all wrong and she is right. I am not a spiteful person, i could never understand all this no contact business people did, and would always think there was a way to sort things out, then i met my MIL… and there is just no speaking to some people.

I don't know why you feel like he went behind you back, as he most definitely did that! That would leave me wondering what else has he omitted and lied about

Thank you, its such a hard hard position to be in, i want to protect them because I just know she will throw in little white lies here and there to try and turn them against me. She does it with all women in their family apart from her own daughters. I know my DH idea of facilitating would be drop them there and leave there! I did, he couldn't give me a real explanation as to why he did it,

Children can’t know what they don’t know. If grandma is an abusive or tricksy bitch a 9!year old should certainly be safeguarded and kept from her. People are who they are. The title grandmother doesn’t convert someone harmful into someone safe.

Exactly, he can understand to a certain extent, but he could never grasp the full extent of the damage that woman has done, and i dont want them to be exposed anymore to it.

Was he simply too lazy to cook tea that day?

Oh sorry, we call “tea” an afternoon snack, like a cup of tea and a cake mid afternoon, not evening meal

Why should a grandchild have a relationship with someone who is awful to his Mum? Think about this, what message are you sending him? You should want to protect him from this woman so he doesn't see her. And whilst we are at it why is your husband happily seeing someone who is causing pain and upset to the woman he is meant to love?

Your husband is no doubt suffering FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt, google it, This is all he knows, this is his circus and his monkeys but you don't have to subject your child to this person. And yes, I am the child who was taken to the grandparent who hated my other parent. It was awful, the snide comments about someone I loved.

Maybe DH hasn’t actually been properly doing the NC?

Or does mil live nextdoor & just noticed GC was off sch.?

He betrayed OP's trust though, and undermined her. He should be adult enough to discuss with her and keep to any mutually reached agreement. Is he a mummy's boy OP? Do you think he has your back in the issue with his DM? 😥

He used to be, very much so, what she said went, if she said something about a person, that would be very much gaspel, the amount of people he doesn’t like because his mother says so….I thought he had my back, until yesterday now I really dont know. I know he doesn’t believe his mother does these things on purpose, he even suggested dementia, but then i remind him of all the other people she has done this to years ago…

Your H agreed no contact was the best thing to do.
If he was having doubts about this then of course he should have been discussing things with you and not going behind your back in the way he did. That was a real betrayal of you and he has undermined your relationship by doing that.

Given what you have said about his Mother's behaviour and attitude he would have to present some really, really compellimg reasons to reverse the NC you had both decided was for the best. But he should be presenting these reasons to you and reopening the discussion, not unilaterally breaking your agreement.

Really difficult for you OP. You must be feeling quite isolated within your own small family if DH is not reliably on your side when needed. You need to draw a red line about your DC never being alone with her so that she can feed them negativity, so he or someone else you trust would need to always be there when they see her. Could you trust him to keep to that agreement? Not ideal as she could still influence them, not only against you but perceiving others through a negative lens, which is a toxic mindset to pass on to children. And if he did not defend you in their hearing, that would be a terrible message to pass on to them.
Best of all is to go NC with her properly, or bite the bullet and make short visits to her yourself with DC to ensure they are not being influenced in your absence. 💐

Thank you, im feeling really flat and let down. Also feel that this is teaching DS “sides” like, its ok we dont have to listen to mum and we dont need to tell her things..

This sadly. He made an agreement and without discussion not only saw her without an apology to you but rewarded her by taking the grandchildren. I drew my line in the sand. My ex husband started off saying he wouldn’t see them then phone calls started then he would go and then he would want to take the children but ‘leave me at home’. I refused but that is actually what his mother wanted me to breed and then she wanted a relationship with the children NOT me.

What he did is unforgivable in your relationship between you and him a total betrayal.

Do you mind me asking what happened next? This is exactly what MIL wants and would love, that I am out of the picture and she gets them all to herself to feed them false narratives all she wants to her hearts content and its really quite scary.