Feel DH went behind my back

[Djw12]

My husband and I agreed to go NC with his mother last year, after she deliberately lied about me and I caught her out (not the only reason, but this was the final straw) . I was able to prove that she was lying and deliberately trying to turn my husband against me. Once DH came to realise what she gad been doing he declared that we would not be doing anything with her and not taking our children around until his mother could apologies and admit to what she did. Anyway no apology came and we have been living a very peaceful drama free life. Yesterday my DS had been off school with his my DH in charge and i formed me that DH had taken him over to grandmas house for tea whilst i was in work. This felt like a massive, massive punch in the gut. I feel like DH went against everything we discussed and agreed on when it came to the children and I feel like he exposed our DS to someone who cannot be trusted. AIBU to feel like this? I wish for more than anything for our children to have a decent relationship with their only living GM, but at the same time I feel like it cannot be done whilst she has the ability to try and turn peopke against me with her lies! I know full well that a few more visits like that would end up with her getting back into DH head and DS’s head! For context DS is 9 and was glad to see his GM, I just wish he could have told me he planned to do it. AIBU?

I absolutely wouldn’t trust her to not do the same thing with your child.
I would be livid if I was in your situation.
sorry OP.

I absolutely wouldn’t trust her to not do the same thing with your child.
I would be livid if I was in your situation.
sorry OP.

It’s interesting that this isn’t as uncommon as what I thought. I am navigating this experience too and it’s bloody tricky.
keeping boundaries decision key. Trying to be you and DH as a team solving problems together rather than it being ‘them and us’ seems to be helping. It’s made me realise I hate key dates like birthdays, festivals etc as that’s when contact with the DCs occurs.
it is definitely a relief that I am NC though.

When you say “DH and I agreed” did you mean that you laid down the law and DH went along with it for an easy life?

That’s what I often interpret with these kinds of statements.

I get you’re pissed off but it’s very easy to go NC when it’s not your mum isn’t it?

No, did you not read the part where I said it was DH desicion ?

It sounds very controlling that you're not letting your DH see his own mother, I'm sorry. Who cares what she tells other people? It's all crap and if they believe it, more fool them. I'm NC with my sister but my DC know that I am more than happy if they see her - as long as nothing comes back ie she said X Y or Z about you. She's their aunt and loves them.

You could end up backing yourself into a corner here that you can't get out of.

I have never once stopped my husband see his mother, not once, I’ve encouraged him to see her , but we agreed that she was not a safe person for our children and they would not go round

Also my own mother passed away, so it was even more important to me that I had a good relationship with her and my children had a good relationship, but she threw it back in our faces time and time again.

Thank you, my own mental health has improved so much since going NC it was definitely the correct decision, but the grief and guilt and wonder about doing whats right for the children is all consuming, and its bot nice when someone indicates that I am controlling for something that is not my fault.

I agree with everything ou have said. Obviously in a perfect world we’d want to be accepted by our in laws and for their behaviour not to be so damaging but unfortunately we have to protect our mental health and our little family. We can’t control their actions, only our response to their actions.
it’s not helpful when people assume that this is a decision that you’ve come to lightly when in reality it’s the final step and reluctant solution to being treated awfully.
DH and I are trying to adopt the approach that in order for something to happen you need two ‘yes’ answers. The whole in laws wanting access to my DC whilst being horrid and in one instance threatening violence towards me is a sword of damacles hanging over my head.

I was going to ask about dementia. Honestly the things my mil said and did before we realised she was not well were very similar

Whatever the reason your DH is clearly not in agreement given he went behind your back on this. He clearly wants your child to see his mother so you need to go back to the drawing board. The example you gave re uploading a photo, i’d be concerned about possibility of dementia too. That seems very odd.

Its honestly so strange she is adamant that it is reality despite providing her with the proof otherwise. If it were just this one instance i would be worried, but her stories seem to be fabricated on purpose with the intent of turning my husband against me. I have been accused of all sorts..

You are and your not let them get on with it andeave you out of it .
Let DH and son see her but completely free if you .
Wouldn't give her the ammo ,,she obviously knows it will cause hurt and trouble that he's had to go behind your back don't give her the sat5

Satisfaction .
Sometimes no reaction is the most powerful one