Thoughts on this please. Feeling guilty.

[podge98]

Dd is 3 (4 in march) and attends a private pre school Wed-Fri as these are the days that I work. I have been considering putting her in on a Tuesday too so she’d be doing 4 days a week. However I am battling with myself over it and would appreciate some perspective. This is my reasoning:

Pros:
Currently I use a Tuesday for boring jobs. I catch up on housework, do the food shop, life admin stuff etc. I find myself getting really stressed and distracted with her around as she constantly demands attention. It would be really good to just be able to crack on with these necessary jobs and even start some other projects (like mass decluttering) which I never get time for.

She’d be actually doing something fun and educational rather than sat about waiting for me to do boring jobs and then going to Asda!

It would help gradually build her week up in readiness for starting full time school in September.

I might even be able to do some things for me! Like the gym or a haircut or whatever that I really struggle to find time for now.

Cons:
The main one is guilt. I feel like I’m putting her in pre school when she doesn’t really need to be there for my own benefit, and I won’t get this time back with her when she starts school.

Cost. We currently stretch the 30 hour funding so she can go during holidays and this covers her 3 days but anything above that would be chargeable - probably an extra £100 ish per month which is doable until September but again feels like an unnecessary cost.

I’m worried it would be too much for her and she’d be exhausted by the end of the week.

Your thoughts would be very much appreciated!

Could you put her in half a day so you can blitz some jobs? I’d say do it if you can afford to. Your head will be clearer and stuff done so when you are with her you can focus on her.

what’s 4 days at preschool?

A lot, in the time experience of a child.

Your post didn't specify how long each day is. If it's full days then I think you should do a half day on your extra day off so you get your jobs done then spend time with her. There is nothing luxurious about cleaning the bathroom or going to Tesco. It's work too. If it's a part time like a 3 hour session I think 5 days would be OK, then one morning would be your work day and one morning to yourself for whatever you please. I work with this age group in a sessional service and they are generally better off being with us every day otherwise they miss out. If its a good school it should be fun and stimulating and better for a child to be there than at home, then she will have the afternoons with you anyways. You'll be happier and more attentive and she will be more relaxed too. I think its worth the money as it's only for a short period.

I am not an advocate of home schooling.

I am glad your DS flourished, along with the millions of others, my own included.

But! Almost four is only three. Very small.

They do better at home at that age.

But the OP does not have to be hands on - a regular sitter could be a viable option if they have some extra money.

So you are basically saying no preschool and deferring children who are summer borns?

I went to a nursery school for mornings from three in the 90s even though my Mum was a stay at home Mum. Even non working parents get 15 hours. That's because preschools have lots of proven benefits (I say this as someone who doesn't think external childcare before two is ideal but I get that lots of people need it- myself included). An extra day will help OP be able to manage her life a bit more and won't harm her child in any way, it might even be beneficial.

I’ve recently changed my hours at work so one day I can do the school pick up, and the other day I finish at 12:30. My eldest is in school till 3 and my youngest can be in nursery til 6 that day (I never leave them til 6!) but you would not believe the improvement on my mental health, the house hold, the general house tidiness, and my ability to be more of the mother I want to be by having those 2 and a half hours a week to myself.
sometimes I blitz the house, sometimes I do the food shop and errands, some times I help my elderly neighbours to appts, and sometimes I have a lunch and walk with a friend, or like today I get my nails and brows done.

i work in a senior role and nearly quit under strain and stress fr balancing home and school last year. I’ve become more efficient at work as I have to get the same stuff done in less time (declining meetings others put in that could be an email for example) amongst others. My mental health is so much better now for the balance. I am less stressed and tired so when I have that time with my kids I really am present and not dragging whinging kids round Tesco getting flustered and forgetting stuff, or not keep interrupting the game to switch the washing over.
game changer.
do it. If it doesn’t work for you both, revert back!

As someone who always had to work f/t once mat leave ended I struggle to see the draw of putting her in pres-school so you can do housework. Spread the jobs out a bit across the weekend -Mon/Tues, sharing with dp of course, and also outsourcing where you can - online shopping isn't a big additional expense. Everything changes once they start school so I don't know why you wouldn't make the most of this time, unless you feel it's making you ill and you need the break more urgently. I do agree with the pp though- you've already made up your mind.

She’d be actually doing something fun and educational rather than sat about waiting for me to do boring jobs and then going to Asda!

I actualy think it is good for children to understand the essentially boring nature of life, to be able to entertain themselves in a supermarket queue, to have time to day-dream...

If she enjoys nursery I'd send her in.

To answer some questions, I do have a dh but he works full time long days and isn’t around during the weekdays. We have older dc who have activities on the weekends so it’s often a case of divide and conquer. He will support me on the odd occasion I want to get my hair done or something but I just feel like one day to myself during the week would help me to get on top of things and feel more in control. Dd does enjoy nursery but I don’t know if 4 days would be too much. She currently does 8-4 to fit in around my work, but if I put her in for an extra day I’d just do a 9-3 slot so slightly shorter.

Lots of different opinions which reassures me it’s not a clear cut choice. At the moment I’m edging towards keeping her home and maybe reassessing after Easter as by then I do think it would also be in her interests to get used to a fuller week ready for school. I can admit at the moment I’d be doing it for my benefit more than anything and I’d probably end up feeling guilty about that.

You will miss her once she is at school.

Do it!

I had a day off to myself while DC1 was in nursery and it was so good for my MH. Much harder when i had DC2 and lost that day. It’s important to continue to think of yourself and remember that you also matter.

Which many kids do and are completely fine.

Yes but not always wanting a kid in tow while going round a supermarket is also valid. Don't let yourself be guilt tripped OP. You having a bit of admin time while your daughter is in an environment she likes and which will prepare her for school is completely fine!

@Allswellthatendswelll
So you are basically saying no preschool and deferring children who are summer borns?

I am not sure how you arrive at that statement from a post that starts with "I am not an advocate of home schooling...."

That children do better at home at that age is established.

That is not to say that any other choice is bad.

Agreed.

Part of what makes the human such a successful species is our adaptability.

I am not saying all children need to be home, all mothers need to home with them and all children from formal, non family care are not fine.

I am saying children, at that age, do better at home.

Could you compromise and do a half day? Although nothing wrong with doing the full day. But it you are deliberating, Could it be a possible option?

I wouldn’t say at age 4 tbh. Mine certainly needed more stimulation and company.

Mass decluttering can wait until your daughter goes to school when you'll have 2 free days? Admin and grocery shopping deliveries can be done in the evenings? I am all in favour of having time to do things for yourself though, hairdressers etc, so I would consider an extra half day preschool or similar, it would still give you lots of time with your daughter and time to yourself too. I wouldn't be paying £100 per month for the privilege of doing the dusting/ shopping in peace, personally.

3 ime is usual for pre school even for non working parents i don't think you have anyrhing to be guilty about, i used to work in early years and 3 year olds really was the norm.

Based on what evidence? I'm confused at how you've reached this conclusion.

Get a cleaner and order online food just do that anyways to make your life easier (if you can)

If you’re worried about £100 extra honestly don’t put her in the private education system.

Is this your final child? That would alter my decision.

However my final child she was and still is a joy to be around gives me no grief or hassle 🤣 I enjoy her company and chatting to her. We used to go swimming, garden centres, farms, costco etc I loved it so I kept her at home (she did go to nursery 3 days which the pre school set minimum hrs and home 2 days with me).

Also, it depends how far the pre school round trip is - sometimes more hassle than it’s worth. No grandparents around? Start of term everyone exhausted after Xmas and this weather doesn’t help!

I think you will know if you need extra mental health space or not - only you can decide.

All children adjust to school even the ones that haven’t set foot into a nursery.

Work out what you need to make you happy

No grandparents. I never get a break. I think this is impacting my temptation to do it. But like you said, I do enjoy her company it’s just really hard trying to get anything done!

Can you put her in pre-school for an extra session on an adhoc basis? That’s what I do and it works quite well. No ongoing financial commitment, but I have the flexibility to do so when I need some time to do bits for me or at home?

She’d be actually doing something fun and educational rather than sat about waiting for me to do boring jobs and then going to Asda

Its ok to be bored sometimes. And to learn to be alone and entertain herself.

Spending time with you, chatting/doing jobs is invaluable. Yes, it will slow you down. Does it really matter if you wait until she starts school to declutter?