My daughter has been in a committed relationship for over a year and, during that time, has unofficially moved in with her partner. Initially she stayed at home once a week, then gradually less and less, and this pattern has been consistent for a year. Over time she has moved all of her belongings to his home, to the point that when she does stay here now she has to bring a large amount with her, even for a single night.
She works part-time and is actively seeking full-time employment now that she has completed her college course. I do not receive any financial contribution for her and I want to be clear that this is not a financial grievance at all.
I have four other children living at home. I share with my two younger disabled children under ten, and my two older boys aged nineteen and fourteen also share. As the only girl, my daughter has always had the smaller bedroom to herself.
She stayed over last night and became very upset that her fourteen-year-old brother had slept in her room. He struggles with disrupted sleep because his nineteen-year-old brother works irregular hours and disturbs him when coming and going, so I allowed him to use her room as a sleep space when she isn’t here. This was discussed with her and she agreed in principle. However, she still becomes upset if the bed hasn’t been remade or if he hasn’t removed the items he uses to sleep before she returns.
I am very conscious of not wanting to make her feel displaced or unwanted. When I moved out with my boyfriend as a young adult, my own mother was extremely firm and immediately gave my bedroom to a younger sibling. She told me that adult choices come with adult consequences and that the family home couldn’t be treated like a hotel. At the time I felt this was harsh, but I can now understand her perspective — while still wanting to hold space for my daughter’s emotional needs in a gentler way.
My dilemma is this: what if her relationship doesn’t work out and she needs to come home? Should her room be preserved for her indefinitely in case that happens? How long is it reasonable to wait before reallocating her bedroom to one of her siblings when we are already overcrowded? Or should I avoid doing that altogether?
I ask for kindness when reading this, for me and for her, particularly regarding our living situation. We have all had a very difficult journey, and none of this is by choice or due to careless decisions. I previously part-owned a suitably sized home, but I was subjected to severe domestic abuse and had to flee with my children into refuge accommodation. I lost everything when I left, as the property was in his name, and we were subsequently rehoused by the local authority. That history shapes many of the decisions I am trying to navigate now.