Daughter half moved out - what about her bedroom?

[ElatedAzurePlayer]

My daughter has been in a committed relationship for over a year and, during that time, has unofficially moved in with her partner. Initially she stayed at home once a week, then gradually less and less, and this pattern has been consistent for a year. Over time she has moved all of her belongings to his home, to the point that when she does stay here now she has to bring a large amount with her, even for a single night.

She works part-time and is actively seeking full-time employment now that she has completed her college course. I do not receive any financial contribution for her and I want to be clear that this is not a financial grievance at all.

I have four other children living at home. I share with my two younger disabled children under ten, and my two older boys aged nineteen and fourteen also share. As the only girl, my daughter has always had the smaller bedroom to herself.

She stayed over last night and became very upset that her fourteen-year-old brother had slept in her room. He struggles with disrupted sleep because his nineteen-year-old brother works irregular hours and disturbs him when coming and going, so I allowed him to use her room as a sleep space when she isn’t here. This was discussed with her and she agreed in principle. However, she still becomes upset if the bed hasn’t been remade or if he hasn’t removed the items he uses to sleep before she returns.

I am very conscious of not wanting to make her feel displaced or unwanted. When I moved out with my boyfriend as a young adult, my own mother was extremely firm and immediately gave my bedroom to a younger sibling. She told me that adult choices come with adult consequences and that the family home couldn’t be treated like a hotel. At the time I felt this was harsh, but I can now understand her perspective — while still wanting to hold space for my daughter’s emotional needs in a gentler way.

My dilemma is this: what if her relationship doesn’t work out and she needs to come home? Should her room be preserved for her indefinitely in case that happens? How long is it reasonable to wait before reallocating her bedroom to one of her siblings when we are already overcrowded? Or should I avoid doing that altogether?

I ask for kindness when reading this, for me and for her, particularly regarding our living situation. We have all had a very difficult journey, and none of this is by choice or due to careless decisions. I previously part-owned a suitably sized home, but I was subjected to severe domestic abuse and had to flee with my children into refuge accommodation. I lost everything when I left, as the property was in his name, and we were subsequently rehoused by the local authority. That history shapes many of the decisions I am trying to navigate now.

There is not a chance I would consider a 17 year old staying with her (also 17 year old) boyfriend at his Mums house as “moved out”.

I understand your dilemma but I don’t think treating the situation as if she’s a 25 year old who’s moved in with a potential husband is the answer. So really good advice already here regarding a middle ground of sorts.

Given your overcrowded position I think she is being selfish. I would ask her to let you know exactly when she is staying overnight at home and have some of her bedding ready to go on when she comes. When she’s not there someone else who is sharing can use it.

Could you think about a move-round?

Oldest two boys get the two smallest rooms upstairs so they have their own rooms, youngest two boys share the largest room upstairs. You and DD share the dining room downstairs.

Then, you find a bed solution for her where the bed can always be nicely made and no one else sleeps in it, plus some space which is always hers to store her things (maybe some sort of pullout under your bed plus a drawer in your chest of drawers or some sort of day-bed with drawers underneath) as the issue seems to be other people using her stuff.

This stays available for the next few years so she can always come back when needed, but the reality is that you have your own room the vast majority of the time, and only need to share with her when she visits.

she has even said that I can then move into her room with my remaining five year old and she could have our old bedroom…

Well for starters you should pour a bucket of cold water over that idea and make it clear that she's lucky to have the room that she does. She can either move home and make the financial contribution that she does to her boyfriend's mother, which will also lend some weight to your housing situation or she can gracefully accept your choice.

I would also move the 19yo into the dining room due to his unsociable hours. I'd only reconsider if those hours include overnight work and he is sleeping in the day as trying to keep the downstairs quiet would be a nightmare. If that is the case, he or the 14yo should take her small room permanently. Dining room becomes guest accommodation which will give you some flexibility. I'm assuming in this case, your current preference is to co -share with the twins due to their age and needs.

I grew up in a large family. Rooms were never "ours" but were reallocated on a regular basis due to need, exam years being a particular example. My room was gone within hours of moving out to uni / a shared flat. Why should I have and or begrudge it to a sibling living there full time. It's simply selfish.

One of my autistic children is due to go into residential care this year and she has even said that I can then move into her room with my remaining five year old and she could have our old bedroom…
It’s as though she’s keeping one toe in here and one over there so when she says things like this I think the relationship is more to suit her rather than how she feels about the boyfriend. (She can’t cope with my son who is autistic who is loud and disruptive in the home)
Very difficult for me. She would not be open to moving into the dining room.

She's being very selfish and entitled actually.
She's moved out and is still dictating what the arrangements at home should be. She's even got eyes on your room which is a bigger room. She doesn't want to move into the dining room.

I understand about wanting to keep a space open for her if it all goes wrong with the partner and she's still young, but at the same time it is very unfair to the others who are all crammed in sharing (and you are sharing with two of them) with a room standing empty all the time. She needs to start thinking about the others more as well. Of course there will always be a place for her there and you can adapt the arrangements when she comes back but the way she is behaving at the moment is not ok.

I would suggest you convert the dining room asap into a bedroom. One of the older boys moves in there. You then use her room when she isn't there or one of the 5 year olds does. One of them will be going into residential care soon so that would mean everyone who is living in the house full time has their own room. And when she turns up to stay now and again, you share with the 5 year olds and she uses the small room. If the relationship goes pear-shaped you can move back into your room with the 5 year olds and she goes back into her room.

She will have to accept that and understand that it isn't an option for her room to be standing empty while others are struggling for space. You need to tell her that and if she doesn't like it, tough. I don't know why you are putting up with this to be honest. All of you have been through a lot by the sounds of it, not just her.

Agreed. She is still a child, I would be very wary of backfilling her space to the extent that she feels like she has permanently moved out and can’t come back. It is all very well saying you’ll always make room for her etc, but that feels very different. I would not accept her drifting into a permanent move with. Into a home with someone else this young, especially when the mum likes her being there for financial reasons.

I would create a room for her somewhere/somehow and keep the dynamic being that she lives with you, but stays there sometimes.

1. You are obliged to provide a home for her until she turns 18 so postpone any conversation until after her birthday.
2. Most Housing Departments will consider you adequately housed. Dining rooms are luxuries and count towards available bedrooms.
3. If your child does get a residential school placement you will still be expected to house them during the school holidays and some weekends

Perhaps your eldest son might appreciate the privacy of a downstairs bedroom? He could sort the room out.

My DS2 moved out about 6 weeks ago, last week DS3 moved his stuff into the room even though my eldest still has stuff in there 😂

My DS1 moved out about 7-8 months ago into his girlfriends and they are in the process of buying a house, he came over the other night and said he has having a night out and he will be staying at home Friday (home, as in our home). He will need to stay in DS3s old room now. If DS2 has to move back in he will go into what was DS3s room.

They are not entitled, they've moved out and understand the consequences and that the rooms will not be kept as shrines. They all still have stuff at home but it gets moved around, boxed or bagged up and stored. Empty rooms will be made up as spare rooms and they will have to use them.

This. She is also avoiding all the day to day responsibilities of sharing a home with her family and helping to run the house and do meals [as I would hope her two other brothers do too].

So in effect, she's treating you like her hotelier and gently pointing out that you've already exited an abusive relationship and she needs to consider how she is treating you and her siblings might not be a bad idea.

Convert the dining room into a bedroom and move one of the teenagers into it so the older boys have a room each. If you have a table, move it into the living room - your need for bedrooms is higher than your need for a separate dining room.

It's likely this additional room is why the council gave you that property - many 3 bed council properties with separate dining rooms are given to larger families so it can be used as an additional bedroom to create a 4 bed house.

Keep your daughters room as her room, but you sleep in there when she's not there. This will give you a some space from your younger 2 kids.

Talk to your daughter about how her room will be used when she's not there because you don't have the luxury of leaving a bedroom empty. It could become a Mum and daughter bedroom - there if she needs it, but there for you too. She may feel better sharing her room with you than her brothers.

I think for now your 19 yo and 14 yo should help you turn the dining room into a bedroom for either yourself or the 19 yo. Then the other should have your DD’s bedroom.

Your DD has moved out and chances are she’s not going to live full time at home again. 17’s can be self absorbed and only think of themselves - you’re the parent, you need to do what you have to do to ensure those living in your home can be comfortable and why should one bedroom in a crowded house go unused. (Has your 19 yo any plans to move out?)

I know you feel bad giving it away but be careful you don't favour her part-time preference over your son's full-time need for that room.

I do wonder if you would have had different responses if you had said in the opening post that your DD was 17 and has been living with boyfriend part time since 16 to avoid difficulties at home.

I worry this could set her up for a pattern of relying on men for accommodation that could be really damaging. Particularly as she could be more vulnerable due to witnessing DV.

I also find it very grim that a (then) 16 year old was potentially having sex with a similar age boy as her only perceived way to live in a calm home.

I wonder if there are other options.

Could she work with women's aid or similar to build her self esteem and boundaries?

Do your boys have any support from social services? Could they support with independent, safe accommodation for your daughter given you are overcrowded and your boys complexities.

Could you insist on her being home a couple of days a week to support her? I realise she could vote with her feet and refuse, but it might help her to figure out what she wants from the relationship and feel wanted at home.

@ElatedAzurePlayer Can the dining room be turned into a bedroom for her when she is home? Could it be done in a way that it can still be used as a dining room for the most part, but then used as her bedroom when she is back for the odd night? I understand why you are feeling the way you are about not wanting her to feel unwanted, but she also needs to understand that you are all living in a cramped way for about 90% of the time which is crazy when there is an empty room, and she has two bedrooms.

Slightly different, but my ds moved out, firstly to uni then was home for a short time afterwards until he moved out with his gf. They are in the process of buying a house, but until that happens, his room is still his. However, I use it as my craft room and we store things in there to give us more day to day space. These things get moved back onto our room when he is back, so just cramped for a short time as opposed to the whole time. When his house goes through he will move out all his stuff and the room will become my full time craft room and a guest bedroom, which he knows and understands it's unreasonable to have it as just his room when he no longer lives here.

Your history is also your daughters history and will play into her being protective over her bedroom. However, you are overcrowded and the spare bedroom is needed, I would sensitively talk to her about her siblings difficulty in sharing a room and that you will now need to give the room to one of them but let her know that if she ever needs to come back home you are always there for her and can make adjustments for her to stay.

It’s not her partners place - it’s a 17 year old child staying at another 17 year old child’s childhood home. She’s staying with her BF’s mum as often as allowed because clearly home life is quite difficult.

Sounds to me like she's using the boyfriend as a place to stay ,untill her brother goes in to residential care ,then she's going to drift home permanently and demand that bigger room you have .
Not good really

So you share a room with your two disabled under tens, your two teenage boys have to share and your daughter who doesn’t live there has a room which lies empty a lot of the time? Is that right?
Although she’s very young to moved in with her boyfriend it seems a committed relationship and I’m sorry but your home is too crowded for her to have a room just sitting empty for her. You need to sit her down and have a kind, gentle but firm conversation with her about your need for someone else to have the room full time as you just haven’t the space and everyone who lives with you has their own needs. Obviously if the relationship ends you’ll need to rethink but in the mean time let her know she’ll always have somewhere to sleep if she needs to stay (eg sofa). When I moved out I never expected my room to be kept and my two younger sisters to continue to share!
You have a tricky set up but my feeling is that your two teenage boys should be separated and the 19 year old is the priority for having his own space. Either the 14 year old also gets his own room and you continue to share with the younger two, or one of the younger two shares with the 14 year old (depending on space and the sex of the little ones which you haven’t specified).

I think so too.
I think clearing her room for one of her brothers is effectively pushing her out.
17 is very young, and it wouldn't be that unusual for 17yos couples to split up.
You don't want her to feel she can't come home.

Its a difficult one.

At least she's with the boyfriend in his family home. I think that's a reasonable solution

Talk to her, and say you need to use that room but if circumstances change then she can have the room back

@Emmz1510 How old were you when you moved out the family home, and where did you move into?

Because those are things that could be hugely different

How ridiculous. You sound like a teenager.

I would make the dinning room into the oldest boys bedroom he works shift patterns this would be the most suitable for him and the 14 year old getting disturbed , I would then take the smallest bedroom myself unless your 5 year old definitely has to sleep with you due to their needs if they do keep a bigger room and put the 14 year old in the smaller room if you can get away with the 14 year old staying in their room their in now as you’ve moved the oldest to the dinning room and you need to share with the 5 year old then you can keep the smallest room for your daughter , maybe also consider a pull out in the living room . But she needs to be aware that she cannot keep that space forever as you’ve moved need it.

Sounds as if your daughter has already been forced out of the home.

keeping an unused room is madness but this may be the nail in the coffin when it comes to her ever calling it home again.

She definitely can’t commandeer a bedroom and rarely use it. You quite simply don’t have the luxury of letting her do that and it’s completely unreasonable of her to expect it.

Ive just read the post where she’s suggesting she moves back in to a bigger bedroom when your son leaves. Absolutely not. She seems to be taking advantage of your nature here.