How do you get over bad parents?

[Chefpig]

Honestly I've had counselling and although that was effective whilst I was actively engaged, once it stopped, I was was back square one.

My mum has put men before me, chain smoked costing a fortune, yet couldn't afford food and clothes for me. If the men in her life wanted something, she'd bend over backwards getting them what they wanted even if it meant going into debt and asking me for a loan for tens of thousands of pounds.

One thing that sticks in my mind is when I was a young child I had pets. I loved animals and still do. Once I was an adult she told me that my hamsters who she kept in the shed, which was cruel anyway, she forgot about them and they starved to death. It's horrific stuff.

We moved house and she refused to let me take my beloved cat, instead leaving him behind saying the neighbours would look after him. I went back from him and walked round the streets calling his name but he didn't come. I found out soon after that he'd been killed by a car.

These examples haunt me and I blame myself.

My mum can't have loved me can she?

If I try and raise things with her she brings up things she has bought me and helped me do.

How do you get over the shortcomings of parents?

It sounds like going back to therapy may be beneficial to you.
I have found it life changing, but I go regularly and have done for a long time.

I’d cut her off, she sounds atrocious.

She sounds like my mother, death by a thousand paper cuts.

Thank you for your advice. It's so expensive though. How often do you go?

I agree, it’s definitely expensive. Maybe you could look for one that works on a sliding scale?
I go weekly, have done for 2 years now. I had 5 years of weekly therapy about 10 yrs ago too.

I always feel guilty when I think about cutting her off. I try but I cave every time as her husband is useless and doesn't care really so she doesn't really have no one otherwise. I don't neither to be honest but the awfulness from the past comes into my head and it's all consuming.

I know my extended family would be horrified at me cutting her off but they don't know what she's like. They all think she can do no wrong.

I also wonder what she may do to my house in retaliation as she has a key. I can't change the locks as I rent.

I am so sorry that you had such a miserable and unsettled childhood, some women are just not cut out to be mothers, you deserved better. Maybe your GP could put you in touch with a counsellor, but ultimately it is up to you to be kind to yourself, surround yourself with nice, caring and happy people, make it your aim to make the most of your life, you only live once, don't let this poor excuse of a mother ruin your adult life, she ruined your childhood, try to draw a line under it, counselling may help, but don't rely on others to change things around, you have survived years of unhappiness, now give yourself the chance to be free of your miserable past and be the person you want to be. Sending you all the luck in the world and a big hug 🤗 xx

Is she still horrible to you now? Or is it all in the past, so that you could work on “moving on”?
I should have gone no contact with my father a very long time ago, but was only able to after my mother died. Best thing I ever did, I feel free.

It's confusing isn't it, when they're so awful, but have occasionally done nice things.

You are obviously a better person than her, just because you feel guilty if you don't look after her somehow. Can you do that, but at a minimum? Keep her at arm's length? Her treatment of your pets is just awful.

Thank you so much. I don't know how to move on. I always think that it's not too bad neither and that she's my mum and I should love her and what she's done is acceptable and I'm the one who's in the wrong for disliking her and for calling her out. I call her out and she gets so dismissive, so aggressive and says I need a doctor for bringing things up. I'm also terrified of anything happening, eg losing my home and having no one to advice or to help. I work hard and have a good salary so no reason this should happen but life changes so fast.

Thank you 😊 I feel keeping in contact with her is detrimental to my wellbeing and all the bad stuff she's done whirrs in my head constantly.

sorry To hear you have been treated this way and your pets too that’s so cruel.
Do you have pets or children now? All the hate she gave your give that to your pets and children the way you wanted her to treat you.
school of life on YouTube gives great free counseling advice.
limit any time with your mother and maybe where you feel would be a happy place for you a coffee shop etc and if you still find that hurtful then just limit seeing her till you feel ready. This is your life now and your free of her so enjoy it with plenty animals and peace x

I call her out and she gets so dismissive, so aggressive and says I need a doctor for bringing things up.

Classic behaviour by an abusive person. I think it's called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

She's dismissive - that's the Deny part. She's aggressive - that's the Attack part. Then she says you need a doctor for bringing it up - that's the Reverse Victim and Offender part.

Go low contact OP. You sound like a lovely person whose childhood has been damaged. Don't let her continue to do any more damage.

Thank you everyone.

I want to go no contact. Maybe as a way to close the door for good on all the hurt? I don't know. I've attempted suicide in the past because of the feelings I have towards her and her behaviour.

I do have pets now @mumpea and I love them with all my might. I check on them numerous times a day even when I'm at work. They're amazing. Cuddling up with them is the best feeling in the entire world.

Moving on doesn’t mean thinking that what she did is acceptable. You can recognise the hurt she caused and the pain you felt, while also recognising her limits and her circumstances at the time, while also wanting something of a relationship with her. What she did were her actions alone, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sometimes it’s can help to think of children you know who are the are you were. Would you hold then responsible for their parents actions, would you expect them to be able to influence their parents or keep themselves safe? In adulthood we often ascribe capacity, knowledge or wisdom to our child self that just isn’t realistic, it’s a protective thing but ultimately not helpful in the long term.

Therapy isn’t just a space to talk about what happened, it’s a space to understand the impact it had on you, to create a more accurate narrative and to change. That means you really challenging the idea that her behaviour was acceptable, or your fault or that you had any power to change things as a child. You can change now, as an adult, but that means accepting things as they really were, including your mums behaviour and her limitations - not making excuses for her or ascribing motive, because you’ll never really know. But accepting it had an impact and working to heal from that. It’s an active, purposeful process and not something that comes from sitting with a therapist for an hour a week, as helpful as that can be.

My mother is horrific. My “childhood” was very sad. She has never told me she loved me.

As well as going NC and having therapy, over the years I have made really great friends who are old enough to be my mum. They are sort of lovely surrogate mums/aunties and they share their wisdom with me and give me the support I believe other women get from their mothers.

That might be something for you to consider? 💐

Low contact. Otherwise you will just keep being reminded of things and since your mother won’t acknowledge or change then you’ll just repeatedly end up stuck in a cycle of trying to build a relationship and then ending up hurt again. Like you I keep some contact with my parents, but just enough to know where they are and that they aren’t going to come cause problems for me.

She can still be quite critical but after I snapped at her a few years back after she yet again criticised my appearance, she toned it down.

She's still selfish and controlling. Everything has to be on her terms or her husbands. She'll start an argument out of thin air and especially can go off on one at her husband. He doesn't always deserve it. I get told off for singing in their company for example or for being too loud or for passing wind which happened by accident as I bent over recently in my own home. The list goes on. If I bring up any of her behaviour she won't ever apologise or explain her actions. She will make out like I'm neurotic and shut the conversation down.

I've had depression for years. One time I was really bad with it and she offered no comfort. Basically told me just to get on with it. That I was pathetic. Another family member came over crying her eyes out and my mum couldn't do enough to console her.

I'm so sorry for your experiences. It sounds like you have found some sort of well deserved happiness at last.

Did your parents ever seek revenge for you cutting them out of your life?

I can't get over it and it's tearing me and my life apart. I sabotage every relationship I have. I'm so angry inside.

My parents separated when I was five and my dad died a long time ago.

My mum has tried to cause problems for me but only one of my four siblings has any contact with her. She is also NC with her only sister and was NC with her own mother before she died.

Be brave. Cut her off and be free.

It’s not about “getting over it”, I think we often don’t really know what that means. It’s about understanding the anger and self sabotage - what it is that drives it in you. So yes, your childhood sounds awful, but that’s not the end of it. Really exploring your anger - at her, at you, at the unfairness of it all, at people who knew and didn’t help etc. Being able to feel it, in a safe place, with a safe person can help you move through the anger. In that sense therapy is the place for you to allow yourself to actually feel it - not just talk about feeling it - with someone who can give you the space, support and safety that your mum simply can’t.

Therapy can also help you make sense of what it means to you and how you’ve adapted your thinking to cope with abuse. It’s not about pretending it didn’t happen, or was ok, or that you’ve forgiven. It’s learning to lessen the impact on you, seeing what you take into relationship as a result and learning how to feel safe.

I’ve been there, it’s hard hard work, but worth it.

Oh this is so difficult OP. I've been non contact with my parents (mum & step dad) for almost 27 years. I had a tricky childhood & they were alcoholics, I was 20 at the time & had moved out of the family home a few years before. It was a silly argument but for me the root of it was my anger at them, the cruel & damaging way they treated me & the constant drama. I just had enough & I wanted peace & it came quickly, I focused on building my own life, career, home & relationships outside of my family & I've never looked back. This approach is not for everyone but for me it's been the best thing. I don't think or speak about them really & I don't speak badly of them either, I just want my peace xx

Is it your mum who keeps in touch with you or the other way around? If it's you, would you be able to manage to stretch out the time that you contact her, eventually leading to very minimal contact?

Have you looked at MIND https://www.mind.org.uk/ Are there any counselling groups local to you?

Its lovely that you have your pets to love and keep you company