How do you get over bad parents?

[Chefpig]

Honestly I've had counselling and although that was effective whilst I was actively engaged, once it stopped, I was was back square one.

My mum has put men before me, chain smoked costing a fortune, yet couldn't afford food and clothes for me. If the men in her life wanted something, she'd bend over backwards getting them what they wanted even if it meant going into debt and asking me for a loan for tens of thousands of pounds.

One thing that sticks in my mind is when I was a young child I had pets. I loved animals and still do. Once I was an adult she told me that my hamsters who she kept in the shed, which was cruel anyway, she forgot about them and they starved to death. It's horrific stuff.

We moved house and she refused to let me take my beloved cat, instead leaving him behind saying the neighbours would look after him. I went back from him and walked round the streets calling his name but he didn't come. I found out soon after that he'd been killed by a car.

These examples haunt me and I blame myself.

My mum can't have loved me can she?

If I try and raise things with her she brings up things she has bought me and helped me do.

How do you get over the shortcomings of parents?

You sound like you need the therapy to help you navigate relationships better. Good relationships with people are beneficial, I wonder if you feel subconsciously that you don't deserve nice relationships, that people won't consider you worthy enough, etc? So then you behave in ways that ruin things maybe.

I do think long term you would be far better off if you cut contact, then you don't have to experience your mother's abuse over and over again. The fault in this dynamic is hers, there was nothing wrong with you but there is something wrong with her that she couldn't cherish and love the child she had. That wasn't anything to do with you, but a serious flaw in her. The way she treated your pets was utterly disgusting, that's not something a normal person would do, let alone a parent to her child's beloved animals.

The thing is, you can't change her. You can't make any difference to the way she responds to the world. The only thing you can change and have agency over is yourself. You can decide that you've had enough of her and take steps to move away, create some distance between you, either physically which takes time, or simply psychologically. You can change the locks of your house (as long as you provide copies to the landlord or their agent, it's OK) so you know she can't get in.

I myself am angry at the things my mother did when I was young. She allowed her children to be abused and suffer. She has never apologised or expressed any remorse for what happened, and I realise she's not going to. Her way of dealing with it is to pretend it never happened. Utterly infuriating and I can't forgive while she takes that stance. But, I have decided that I'm going to try to let go of the anger because it's just not benefitting me. It's only me the anger and resentment is hurting. I need to move on, put it in a box and try to forget about it and get the most I can from life. I know I won't be able to completely, it will rear its ugly head again in future. But I'm not going to let it ruin these better times for me.

I can only suggest you find ways to do the same. We can't change the past, but we can change our futures. You deserve better, and a better life is one without your poisonous mother in it. You know the saying: "Feeling resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". We need to stop taking sips of that poison and be free, live our best lives as they say.

Going low contact is a good idea. It's way less stressful than cutting parents off, and you don;t feel guilty.

It helps to work out your own boundaries of what you can manage and what you can't. Decide never to give or lend her any money ever again. just make that decision. If she pushes, say, I can't, so please stop asking.

You ask if she loved you. It's hard to know, when parents don't show love, but if she didn't show love it is incredibly important that you come to fully accept this isn't your fault or a sign you are inherently unlovable.

It sounds so cliched but the best advice truly is to learn to love yourself, properly and totally. then you are never without a really reliable good friend. To do that, ensure you have what you need - warm, suitable clothes that fit and make you feel good; everything you need for good grooming and self care; a clean comfortable home; healthy food, some savings to cover a crisis. Start ticking these things off one by one. Never ever put your mother's demands or needs before these. they should be your priority from now until you die. For you and for any child you have. No one else, unless your and your DCs needs are very well met.

And be compassionate towards yourself if you struggle - just be really kind and take care of yourself, as you might a small child or a good friend going through a tough time. Do it always, not sometimes. It is so hard at first and then it becomes second nature and life gets way easier..

You can change the locks - just keep the barrel and replace it when you leave. You can also tell your landlord why and offer them a key if you have a good relationship but it's not compulsary.

Thanks everyone. There's some great advice I will look into.

One thing that really bothers me and takes up a lot of my mind space is that she will never say sorry. At all. No matter how many times I have tried to bring up stuff she has said or done, she refuses to speak about it and she will not utter a word of sorry even though to me it's blindingly obvious she was hurtful and in the wrong.

I'm totally NC with my dad and stepmother and very LC with my DM. If I spend time with any of them I feel my mental health slipping. No amount of therapy can help if the problem is right there in my face. My depression is pretty much gone when they are.

Thanks @Thepossibility for sharing that. Do you ever feel guilty got cutting them out?

I could have written your post OP . My mother always put men before her children , broke up the family home to run off with the first one , has had 4 marriages and now alone . I imagine she has been impossible to live with . The closest description of her I’ve heard was on a Mel Robbins podcast describing emotional immaturity. . Her personality problems have dominated my whole life . Fastforward to now and she is alone in her 80’s . Still as awful as ever , it’s when she doesn’t get her own way or people have a differing view she just can’t cope with it and explodes . Yet now she’s old there are times she is mellow . I have distanced myself tbh and limited the contact to Xmas , birthdays and the odd day throughout the year . This helps . I have friends who fill the void of family . The conflict is awful between the hate of what she put us through vis a vis being an old vulnerable woman .
These nasty parents should pay more attention to not having support in elder years when they treat their kids badly .

I wondered if this could give some clarity @Chefpig 🌸

Hi op i have a narcissist for a mum and an enabling dad. As a mother, my mum has been an empty void all of my life, only really interested in status. Completely different from me. I was never a good enough extension/ mirror for her and she preferred my brother. There was a lot of emotional neglect as a child, my mum would often ignore me, would humiliate me by laughing at me and getting my dad to laugh at me too. I have never ever been out to coffee with my mum. We have been out to lunch the two of us once. She has never loved me or wanted a relationship with me. She uses the highlights of my life to show off to family and friends.

I have had some therapy and I think the answer is you can learn to understand that the neglect is not your fault and it is who they are. You can learn that this has sadly shaped how you deal with life and from this you can make changes. You can express the pain of not having parents who truly loved you but this grief will always be with me a bit and I will forever need to release the emotion of this loss.

I am now fairly low contact with my parents because whenever I see them my mum ia still trying to be nasty and make horrible comments (I can't tell you the number of times she has asked me why I have such wonderful children, she genuinely doesn't understand why I would) j just feel that every single time I see her she has been practising insulting me, its so odd.

My parents are old now and who knows how long they have left. It will be a relief for me when the end comes. Sorry op it is very very tough indeed. Therapy goes so far but in my experience it never completely eradicates some of the sadness of not being loved by the two people who were supposed to x

I'm sorry for what you have been through @Chefpig
There is a long running thread on Mumsnet called
But we took you to stately homes
Run by Attila the Meerkat.
If you have a read on there you may get some help. At least labels to box some of your upset in. For example 'flying monkeys' for people who your mum would use to get info out of you etc if you went NC.
I would highly recommend a look on it.

I struggle with contact with my mother. I'm 54. I'm quite happy not seeing it thinking about her she drains the life out of me. I have wasted so many years of my life trying to please her, support her financially, emotionally. She has drained me. When I have tried to visit it soon ends up feeling like I can't ever again.
I haven't had counselling but, it may sound a bit naff, there is a song called The Greatest Love of All by George Benson (and Whitney Houston did a version), the lyrics are beautiful. Not a miracle cure but it's a mantra. And if you haven't had parental love you do need to learn to love yourself, live with your self, like your self.
You are doing so well in your life. Change the locks as previous poster says if you don't feel safe.
Have you got a dad? You don't say whether you have children? If not I would go LC at the very least before you do.

People think you feel guilty if you are NC you won't be you just have more positive energy for yourself.
Have you got any hobbies or side hustles or extra hours at work you can throw yourself into?
Speak to your GP about your mental health you may be better with something to help you like sertraline - obviously I have no idea whether you would.
Be kind to yourself.

Do you have children OP? I’ve found certain things come back to me when my children reach the age I was when experiencing things so be prepared for that.

For me, it’s always been important that I break the cycle. I am a completely different parent to my own children, I give them everything I needed as a child. That’s really helped me heal and move on knowing I’m doing a really great job.

I’ve also come to a place where I have lower expectations of people and accept them for who they are and where they’re at. Lower expectations means less disappointment.

There is some very loving advice for you on this thread, OP by several people who understand. May I offer one bit, you must learn to focus on yourself and learn to let go somehow of the bitterness thst poisons your heart. Distance helps. In my case, an ocean.
Do remember that you have to love yourself and take care of yourself, because noone else is going to do it.

Hello Op - I haven't read the whole thread but will do later. I am sorry this happened to you.

I have total empathy with your situ - I also have a terrible parent.

Agree with the posts about therapy and cutting them off. You will get comments and judgement about cutting her off, but that will fade over time. My ethnic origin is not from the UK and culturally we do not do this to our parents, especially daughters, and I was heavily judged. However over time, people saw his behaviour as his crutch had gone (us) and we did get some support - even if from a distance. My point, once cut off, it's still painful but it gets better. My head space is so much clearer and I have emotional capacity for my own family.

Therapy is essential. And you may find you will need this on and off for the rest of your life. I do. I was in it for a long period about 7 years ago and now back in.
One thing you will have is triggers. Learning to understand and accept them so you can avoid / adapt to them will help.

It's a painful process but hopefully leads to a more calmer headspace in the long term.

I also tried to get the parent to acknowledge their behaviour and I got their story and made out they were the victim.

You are welcome to DM me anytime if you want to chat.

Remember you are strong and you survived this. You deserve peace x much love x

People who have very loving parents typically eventually lose their parents through death and they never get over that as such but mostly they grow around the loss and learn to adapt and move on in life.

Having an expectation of getting over the neglect you experienced is probably unrealistic. But you can adapt and move on from it. In my own situation I have been NC with my own parents for 8 years. That was about me. If I had them in my life I would have really struggled to emotionally detach which I needed to do. I would suggest that you start figuring out if you can emotionally detach from your mother. We all have an internal pre programmed idealised view of family and motherhood and fatherhood and how relationships should be. There is significant grief in letting go of this as a possibility just like when people in loving families lose a parent, we lose a fantasy parent.

Then focus on developing your own life with very few pockets in it available to your mother. Get hobbies and interests, develop yourself as a person, get a job and life you are content in and your mothers significance and the grief you feel will fade into the background. It is hard but it is definitely doable. You are currently stuck in the anger phase of complicated grief. You can pass this but you will circle back to it from time to time.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate each any every message of support.

Therapy, moving away and NC. Also lots of self compassion.

Having left for university at 18, I concluded I was finally free of them, that I was never going back, that I could live life as I wanted to from that day, and never be miserable, frightened or lonely again.

I sort of shook them off. It was a fabulous day. 😊

Ira very hard but you are never going to get an apology so you have to learn to let it go. Therapy helps so much with this.

The guilt is awful. She's not always horrible.

I feel like I'm going to hell even though she has been damn horrid lots of times and no one needs to feel they're walking on eggshells with their mum. I do. So many times.

You accept that some people just aren't cut out to be parents and will make mistakes.
It's nothing to do with you as the child - the failings are those of the parents.

Therefore, just stop engaging with your mother. You owe her nothing, and she is not your responsibility.

You're an adult now, OP - you don't need anything from your parents. I guess you can treat their faults as a learning experience, but make your life as it suits you and the friends and others who support you now.

Tell her you need the key, say you have locked yourself out or something.

Get a ring doorbell or CCTV so you have evidence if she tries to come in.

Block her phone number(s) and start to live your life.

I don't think you ever get over a toxic parent.

Sometimes. But when I actually see DM these days I recognise that I feel my mood and self esteem dipping while she is there and especially after she is gone. Even if she doesn't say anything that bad my brain just automatically dwells over all these bad memories and feelings that stir up and that really don't bother me if I don't see her.
I think it's my responsibility to keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy and I can absolutely only do that by going NC and very LC.

I can relate to feeling like this. I feel totally inadequate. If I know she's coming, I'll rush around and make an even clean and tidy house even cleaner and tidier or do my hair a different way because she's critised me for this in the past. Her house is filthy by the way! There are so, so many more incidences of where she's criticised me or my way of doing things than times when she has complimented me or told me she's proud of me. She doesn't ever tell me she loves me apart from a few times when she's said it jokingly. She certainly won't put herself out for me.