Advice please. How to approach a big conversation with my husband

[EmberR]

I’m looking for some advice and suggestions please. My husband and I have had a difficult 12 months. We still love each other. No one has done anything so awful we want to walk away. But there’s some unsaid hurt, frustration and anger we haven’t addressed.

I want to initiate a proper honest conversation but I keep chickening out. When do you start it. How do I make it kind and open and not end in he said she said. I wrote a letter. Do I give him that first or read it out?

He doesn’t like to talk really and just tries to placate me and move on. But I have to say these things as it’s heavy on my heart.

Any advice please. Do I just launch into it? Do I fuel it with a few drinks (awful idea maybe). Do I try and make it light hearted. I find men are just so hard to talk to Thanks

I feel you - this is hard! Could you & would he commit to a few counselling sessions? So much easier with someone professional to direct the conversation.

otherwise you could write what you have to say & ask does he want to read it or you speak it & would he rather talk about it or have some time to process it & come back to discuss.

good luck - it’s hard but necessary 💐

In the past, I gave a bit of a warning. I.e. "I would like to talk to you this week. When would be a good time". So we'd agree a date. I then kick off with "I want to have a positive conversation about our relationship to see how we can solve this/move forward together". We usually agree basic rules, for example neither of us can answer "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" when asked a question.
It's not comfortable the first time you do it. But it gets much easier from there.

No alcoholic drinks during the conversation (but you knew that).

Letter - maybe, maybe not? Something that has been written down can't be erased. But a letter can be a good way for you to gather your thoughts. Perhaps write a letter, and don't give it to him. Write it for yourself.

Perhaps just start the conversation - sometime when you are both calm.
Say what you want to say, and be prepared to listen to him, too.

Good luck! I wish you both all the best.

As he doesn't like to talk, try and set a day/evening for it, so he's not caught unawares or exhausted from work.

Good luck, be honest with how you feel and keep it factual with no shouting.

If not successful, call time on it and schedule another time when you've both calmed down.

Thank you for the kind and useful advice. I don’t think the topics I want to raise will cause shouting. I just think they’re hard to hear and we might not be on the same page. My biggest fear is hearing him disagree with what I want in life. And then what…..

I did suggest counselling a while ago and he said no. He didn’t ferl comfortable. It’s weird because I’m normally a good confident communicator with friends and at work. Just with him I can’t get my words right

Sometimes I find doing something else, like being out for a walk, makes it easier to start. Less intense than sat facing each other. The other thing I notice I struggle with is talking in absolutes: “you never do x” “I always have to y” etc. stripping those absolute statements out makes me focus on what I’m actually trying to say rather than ending up in a rant

Counselling. Both for guidance through these conversations and because you’ve gotten to a point in your relationship where you’re unable to communicate. AND because you’ve had a rough 12 months.

Couples start counselling way too late, often when too late for counselling to be effective to help. It’s seen as an either a failure or a saviour rather than a practical tool.

Failing that, try to go somewhere neutral off home ground.

I agree the walk and talk or not just talk facing each other is easier. Maybe that’s a good option. I try and talk to him at night time in bed as it’s dark and we can chat quietly. But he hates it as he says he can’t have conversations that stop him sleeping.

I feel I’m always tiptoeing around his needs to try and find the right time to approach things that matter. And it just builds up

A technique from couples therapy, is tor you each to have an amount of time where you speak, and the other listens, and then you swap. Might that be a useful idea?

You can go to counselling on your own, even if he won't go. I think it would be helpful tbh

But he hates it as he says he can’t have conversations that stop him sleeping.

Why do we just roll over and accept this as just men being men? You’re not asking for the world, it’s a conversation. Words are free ffs.

Part of being an adult and being married is accepting you have a responsibility to be communicative to another person. Why do they even bother getting married in the first place is they just want to sit in passive silence and tension? I guess they wouldn’t get 50% financial contributions to their home and their cooking/washing done for them if they were single 🙄these types of men get married for all the wrong reasons

I'm so glad I wasn't brought up with men like this, luckily got a dad and brothers I can talk about anything and now an amazing DH and we both will talk about everything from woman's problems-money ...surely that's part of good relationships you should be able to talk with zero problems or nervousness

This will entirely depend on what the topic of your conversations are, but I find the pub an excellent place to talk (context is key - not a hugely busy one!) .

Me and my husband explicitly say if we want to discuss something and will use it openly, not to ambush, but it's less threatening and we're in public, so less chance of anger/tears and there feels like an end time so it won't be an endless loop.

You can't do it several drinks in either, it has to be straight away. If you are both adults, who don't have struggles, a sip of drink is generally not a problem - again it depends on you though.

For some people this may sound horrendous, but we're nearly 20 years in and our communication is excellent!

Have you managed this for really serious conversations?

I agree that going for a walk might make it easier, if you can find a place and time that's sufficiently private. I'm with him on the not wanting to have serious discussions in bed or right before sleeping—but if you need to talk, it has to happen some time.

Yes- infertility, marriage, parental illness, financial for example.

I don't think it would work for everything and both of us are very even tempered - I couldn't do it if there was any risk of a public scene!

Can you summarize the points you want to make here, and what the best /worst outcome for you would be.

I am a man and I am not very good at the communication thing either. I do the walk and talk thing, so can agree with that approach.

The other thing I've always tried to do is disconnect a behaviour from the person. You're great, but what you did made me feel.....

I am a processor too, so need time to think about a response. Quite often in these things, one party has been thinking about a topic for some while, whereas the other one hasn't, hence the need for processing time.

I also think that the initial response can often be changed once that processing has taken place. It can move from 'not in a million years' to 'having thought about it further, it may be possible'.

How's that helpful to OP?

I like talking while walking. Out on a walk, up a hill or along a river.

“just thinking about 2026…I’d like us to xxxxx more, what do you think? / how does it make you feel when XXXX / there were times when I felt xxxx and wanted to talk about that”

We usually say ‘I’ve got some things I’d like to talk about, when would be a good time this week?’ Completely understand the not wanting to talk at bedtime but it’s not ok to put it off altogether. Personally I’d choose time at a weekend rather than after work when everyone is tired. Agree with PP that walking and talking is a really good option.

I’d probably start the discussion with some sort of framework, so he knows the point of it and that it isn’t going to end with you announcing you’re leaving but that it is serious and you do have concerns. ‘Thank you for putting the time aside to talk. I’ve been feeling the need for a conversation for a while because there are things I want to get off my chest that need some resolution and I want us to go forward in a more positive way and not let resentment set in. I’ve been feeling a, b, c because of x,y,z’.

I’d also make sure you give him time to process and if needed suggest that you come back to anything he needs to think about more. ‘Ok let’s put a pin in that part for now but let’s come back next Saturday at lunchtime to talk about it again.’

Thank you all for your advice I really appreciate it.

so we had a talk this evening (not at night time in bed) and I raised the questions I have. He seemed to say he thinks everything is fine, we are in a good place and communicating well. I disagreed and stated why I have found things hard. I think he heard me but I feel a bit of a fraud. I have 1001 things flying around on my mind that hurt and worry me. And none of these seemed to be a thing for him. I felt so nervous to talk (so stupid really) and it was just water off a ducks back to him. He does care and was considerate but I don’t think I landed my messages. Might try again when we are out just us two. It’s so hard isn’t it

Well done OP, 👏.
Try and bring up as much as you want to talk about at the next talk and have a conclusion to review things at a later date, say 6 months or agree to prompt each other if slipping.
Don't let it be endless talks that are never resolved.

If easier, write it down and give him to read and then set a date to talk it through.
Gives him time to reflect and hopefully you end up on the same page.

You've done well and good luck for the mext talk.

I used to write out everything I wanted to say in advance and during the difficult conversation I’d even refer back to what I’d written as an aide to make sure my points landed. I don’t need to do that anymore, I guess it’s practise. You have to be willing to bang on a bit and not shut your emotions down so they fully understand your point of view and the impact. It’s hard at first but ultimately it brings you closer (assuming he’s receptive).

I have said to DH that we need to discuss a few things without getting angry with each other. I also find that it’s important not to accuse or blame even if you disagree. Often a compromise can be found.

My biggest fear is hearing him disagree with what I want in life. And then what…..

I think it’s important to realize that splitting up isn’t always the solution. Years ago, I made a move that I didn’t really want to, because DH got a job offer that he wanted to take. I genuinely considered separating as I really liked where I lived, enjoyed my job, etc.

But I found that I could adapt, made new friends, got a new job, and have made the best of it. The move did wonders for DH’s career, which has ultimately helped our family. It wasn’t worth throwing away a good relationship just because I didn’t particularly want to move.

I think it’s also important to accept that some people aren’t good in certain areas and there’s no point trying to make them change. My DH isn’t good at proactive emotional support, he just doesn’t know what to say if I’m upset, he sits there and looks concerned. 😂 So I vent to my closest friends instead, as they say all the right things and make me feel better. DH doesn’t have a clue.