Advice please. How to approach a big conversation with my husband

[EmberR]

I’m looking for some advice and suggestions please. My husband and I have had a difficult 12 months. We still love each other. No one has done anything so awful we want to walk away. But there’s some unsaid hurt, frustration and anger we haven’t addressed.

I want to initiate a proper honest conversation but I keep chickening out. When do you start it. How do I make it kind and open and not end in he said she said. I wrote a letter. Do I give him that first or read it out?

He doesn’t like to talk really and just tries to placate me and move on. But I have to say these things as it’s heavy on my heart.

Any advice please. Do I just launch into it? Do I fuel it with a few drinks (awful idea maybe). Do I try and make it light hearted. I find men are just so hard to talk to Thanks

You don’t go straight in for the hard conversation.

you first talk to him about what healthy communication looks like in a relationship. Does he have any idea? Do you have any idea?

You’ve both reached this point because you don’t have healthy communication methods in place. There are some interesting guys on insta who try to model what healthy comms look like in a marriage and they present it for both partners with a slight emphasis on men. I can find out their names if you’re interested? I can’t remember off the top of my head.

only once you’ve both agreed what healthy comms look like do you even approach the hard conversation. It might be months before you’re ready.

i wonder if he placates you as he doesn’t want to address his part in this or take responsibility? He placates you to avoid difficult conversations which, if they played out in full, might mean he has to accept things or open up.

he is placating in order to avoid going as deep as you need the conversation to go?

I'd suggest if you try again, be very clear what you want to achieve from the conversation. If its just to be heard, if its a disclosure of something from him, or if you're seeking specific changes from him.
Then, head off with the purpose of the conversation so he understands where it's going.
After that, keep it short and focused on the aim. Resist allowing it to meander or to trying to pack too much in. Remember, he thinks everything is OK, so he's not going to love the experience, and if it goes on too long, he may switch off or become defensive.
Say what you need to say, then stop talking. Let your key message stand and not be lost in a lot of other words.

@5128gap Good advice.

After 20-plus years, I’ve also become very easygoing about what DH wants to do as long as I don’t need to get too involved! He has a hobby that he’s passionate about, for example- I’ll go along sometimes, but most of time, I let him get on with it! He’s doing it this weekend, I’m doing my own thing!

See a counsellor if you aren’t sure how to approach it

Side by side conversations are Mich easier and less confrontational. When I needed to do this last year I got Mum over to babysit and told him we should go on a walk to clear the air. It was very helpful

Whenever I have something occupying my head and heart, I make myself start a conversation with my DP of 16 years because I can't have the conversation in my head over and over and that's what I will do (it's just how I am).
Just start talking.
"Darling, I need to get something off my chest/out of my head and it's important that you let me finish before you respond."

It's not easy but it's got to be done X good luck

I agree with not having big conversations at bedtime.
Personally I think it's the worst time to do it.__

OP the issues might be not so big for him but they are for you. That's the next difficult conversation to have.
Let him know that it's taken a lot for you to speak about how you feel and it's not to be minimised. He needs to hear you.

I don't think it's fair to set rules of a conversation when one of you hasn't been given information of what they are expected to answer.

When one person iniates a conversation they always are the more prepared and informed

Some really useful advice on here, I am reading along as your partner sounds a lot like mine, OP. Does he tend to cope by minimising and denying things? ‘Nothing to see here, there is no problem’? That might also explain why you’re feeling stuck and awkward when you are usually a good communicator.

How did you manage to get married without being able to communicate with each other? Baffling.

My husband is shit for ‘talking’ and often just glazes over and hardly says anything which is so bloody frustrating. Like yours he thinks everything is ticking along fine, which then puts me on the back foot and makes it feel like it’s somehow my fault for needing to bring things up.

We’ve been together 21 years and it’s only in recent years we’ve found a way that works for us. I write everything down that I want to say, which means it comes across neutrally rather than too emotionally (since peri kicked in I cry a lot and that really doesn’t help). I usually send it via text - it’s never that long. I don’t send when he’s at work either. I also explain that I’d like to discuss whatever it is I’m bringing up at some point and for him to read, digest and then suggest a time for us to talk. This means I actually get input and a two way discussion instead me talking and him clamming up.

I explicitly said "WE agree rules". These are our rules for every serious conversation. Regardless of who initiated it. Not replying "I don't know" to a question is not an unreasonable rule by any stretch of imagination. It simply an invitation to the other person to think about the answer rather than dismiss the topic and sweep things under the carpet. It's about shared emotional load and working together to arrive at a solution.

Just say it. No alcohol. No trying to placate or make light of it. Don't make an outing of it, or think you have to be in a special place. Do it while you're both in the kitchen making a cuppa, or something normal. And he's not 'men', he's just your husband.

I think when we first met there was nothing serious to discuss. We were honest about our hopes and dreams and communicated really well. But over the years there have been some pain and hurt that we’ve both brushed over. And that’s what is on my mind. But he says he is fine about them. For context if it helps, it’s things like we moved to a new city which I wanted and he wasn’t sure. Also I’ve wanted a baby and he hasn’t so I have been asking if he wants to try or not and he just couldn’t answer. Big big topics that are very personal and hard to discuss honestly.

Those are big topics OP, did he agree in the end or did you have the final say on the move?

Is he unhappy where you are and is there an option to move back?

A fair way would have been to trial it first before making the move, or agree to give it a certain amount of time and if not working, move back.

If he's not answering on the baby, that's actually an answer in itself. Reluctantly having a baby is a recipe for disaster.

Had he said he didn't want one yet or ever?

If he feels he's a passenger in your life, that's obviously not good but he has to come up with solutions and at least engage.

Good luck.